Baba and I are over. Done with. Finished. Khalas It’s only hit me today. So much that I went to the toilet and cried. It was my decision. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt any less.
Things have not been great between us for a while. Ever since I started my new job but especially so in the last 6 months. Lots of travel and not enough time for each other. The last few weeks we have been arguing like crazy. And the man he has shown me that he can be is not somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want sympathy or pity. And if I write it down it will be real.
The relationship was abusive. Not physically. But verbally, mentally and emotionally. The last few months I have walked on eggshells around him. I didn’t dare say anything for fear of upsetting him. I know he has been given a bad hand in life – things that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but there was no need to take them out on me. It got to the point where I dreaded seeing his number come up on my phone. He tried to control me. I am not that girl. I refused to be.
When I told him I don’t want to be with him, he flew into tantrums, threatened to ruin my life, expose my secrets to my family. But what can he do that hasn’t already hurt me. I am hurting. I invested nearly 3 years of my life into loving someone and I didn’t really know them.
He owes me a lot of money. But now I am ready to cut my losses. I keep berating myself. I should have known better than to date him. And he might have been my rebound guy. But he also might have been THE guy.
I think I was charmed at the time. He said all the right things that I wanted (and needed) to hear.
Don;t get me wrong – we had some great times. I have a lot to thank him for. The first guy and only guy to call me beautiful. For loving me. Because I truly believed that he did.
It’s difficult. I am 32 now. My friends pretty much all married and at a different chapter in their lives. And here I am, picking up the pieces of my heart once again.
It was my birthday yesterday. Notmuch you can do when it falls on a weekday and that the first one of the week as well. Everyone was working so there was no point in me taking the day off of work.
Wasn’t the best birthday I have ever had. The AP kicking off and upsetting everybody. My mum writing an emotional message in my card about how me not being married is very upsetting for her. As you know being 32 and unmarried in Asian culture is a big no no. She’s upset at herself. All every parents wants is to see their children settled down. This set me off in tears for disappointing her. For not being good enough to attract someone of our own culture. She didn’t do it in a malicious way – my mother does not have a malicious bone in her body. I told Baba about this and he got upset because she doesn’t see him as a marriage candidate.
With the AP yelling at my non AP parent, Baba sulking, my family going through a stupid amount personal issues, there wasn’t much to celebrate. In fact, I may have cried myself to sleep.
But I am not ungrateful. I am loved by so many – it may not be apparent but there are people with much less than me who are far more thankful than I am. So I am thankful. Thankful for having my family around me, thankful I have a job, thankful that I am able to have a meal on my table when I feel like it. Thankful for being able to have lived another year.
Happy belated birthday to me.
Baba and I went to 2 weddings over the weekend for people that he knows. We hadn’t seen each other all week. I really think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Highlight was him making sure all my pieces of lamb were off the bone as he put it onto my plate. The simplest gesture with massive amounts of love.
On another note, S text me yesterday. I am used to the Happy New Year/Merry Christmas texts – I haven’t ever once responded to any of them. And I always assumed them to be generic – sent to everybody in his phone book. But this one, this one was different. “Hello stubborn female”. Really? What does he expect? For me to text back and forgive him? Let him back into my life.
I won’t respond but I hate when he does things like this. Throws me off my path in life.
It has been nearly three months since my last post. I haven’t really had anything to write about. I think that might be because I am happy. I mean, I am secure in my relationship (apart from when those odd moments where I feel as though I am not enough but those are quickly sorted with a chat and a few tears). Things at home are good *touch wood*. Work is going good – I’m being kept busy and there is plenty more travel on the cards. Things could always be better but I won’t complain.
The New Year came and went in spectacular fashion. I was at home on midnight NYE with my siblings and parents, watching the fireworks on the telly and gave them all a kiss before I headed up to bed at 12:30. I am the last of the great party people(!). A dying breed!
I cannot remember when I became so emotional. Seriously. It’s like my heart wants to burst at times. This morning, I dropped my siblings to a station (because of the crappy tube strike in London – bastards, the lot of them for making my siblings inconvenienced!) It was so early and cold and I felt soooo bad for them. I welled up a little bit. I know I mollycoddle them a bit. I don’t like to see them struggle. In fact, I don’t like to see anyone struggle. I am the same with all my loved ones. Even strangers. If I can help somebody – I will try my best.
There are times when I become so sad though. For no reason. Everything makes me cry. Happy things make me cry. SERIOUSLY! I am a wreck.
My evenings are spent playing Nintendo wii with the siblings. Baba is also busy – things have improved for him recently and i think he is at a better place in life. A happier place. His past has damaged him. I don’t think I was enough to bring him back from that. But he’s OK. And God willing, he will be OK in the long run. I have had doubts about us. The periods of time where I don’t see him but then I see him. I see the smile and eyes light up as he see me. The affection he showers me with and then I doubt my doubts.
I think I am appreciating religion more. Not so much my own but religion in general. I want to learn. I want to know everything about everything. And yet I need to find the time.
It is Baba’s birthday tomorrow and I have not organised anything. But that’s OK. Because I am pretty sure he’ll love me regardless!
AND – even though my siblings bully the shit of me (I’m the oldest!), they did buy me one ticket to go and see Beyoncé the day after my birthday. I am a happy bunny!
The AP will never change. And it saddens me. They should know better but they don’t. But the worst thing about this is how I feel. I expect so much. I see a few “dry” days and my heart leaps with Hope. Hope that this is It. This time my prayers will have been answered. And the feeling I get when it isn’t It. The feeling of despair as I listen to the arguments. The criticism. The same shit on a different day.
And then I get a reality check. I see the news. I read about the lives lost in Phillipines. And it puts everything into perspective. That God has bigger problems to solve than that of my alcoholic parent.
So I deal with it.
Oh you want me to go to Perth, Australia for business? And you’re going to pay for it?
But I’ve only been at the comapny 4 months – are you sure?
Wow – this is a great opportunity – thank you!
(How amazing that I get to go to the other side of the world ofr work related activities?! I think it’s my time to shine!)
A Love Like This Before.
I am completely in love with Baba. To the point that when I hear his voice, it haunts me. It makes me crave him. To be near him.
There is not a moment of the day when I don’t think about him. It is usually fleeting but he is always in my thoughts and I can’t help myself.
Our relationship is comfortable again and slowly but surely I am starting to trust him again.
I know this makes me vulnerable and I can’t be sure that this love will not be the love that breaks me. But whatever happens, I know that I tried. I have truly loved and hopefully won’t have lost.
Yesterday as I typed my (LONG) surname into an email, the spellcheck highlighted it. Now this is not strange as there are so many letters in it so sometimes I mistype them. As I checked, I coudl see that I typed it right so why hadn’t it been picked up by my aceepted words that are in the dictionary?
As I checked my email signature, I saw that I had typed my name in incorrectly the first time and this is what I had been sending out all this time.
#sadtimes when you can’t even spell your own surname.
My blogging has become so intermittent. I’m still reading all my regular blogs (thanks to Sarah and her blog roll!) but have hardly any time to comment or post myself!
The new job is keeping me busy and there is talk of travel to Australia – whether it materialises or not, the talk itself is enough to keep me motivated!
Baba is well. We are doing OK. Every day is hard. Purely because of the pressure I put on what I want out of this relationship. There have been times when I have questioned if I am with him because it’s better than being alone. I have read all the inspirational quotes about it being better to be alone but when we are together, it is so easy. Sometimes I think about if I just want to look after him. He is broken. I know I can’t fix him. But I want to look after him. Hold him and tell him that everything will be OK. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. I work so far from him now and seeing each other has decreased. I get tired. I can’t travel halfway across the city to see him. And the option of him coming to me is limited as I still live at home.
But that said – I am house/flat hunting! Property prices in London are CRAZY though! Partly because it is time to move out (but as an Asian girl who has been dedicated to her family all her life – this is so hard to think about!) but my family and I are getting on top of each other. What I used to appreciate as closeness is sometimes resentful. I don’t get the time to sulk after arguments. I am expected to be happy all the time. It’s hard. Sometimes, I want to sit in the living room and read my book. I just need some me time – ALONE. I know this sounds bratty. That isn’t my intention – you only have to read any of my family/sibling posts to know that I love them without a shadow of a doubt and wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them. But I want some space. To grow. To be able to enjoy my own company once in a while.
I have decided to give him another chance. Well not so much another chance. We’re trying to be friends. We’re going on dates. I know – fool me once shame on me… but I need to try. Because I need to be sure.
It’s been tough. I mean – trusting him is hard. I mean – he is trying very hard. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I don’t know if I’m handling this the right way. I guess only time will tell.
But in other news – I have a new job. It’s my last week at my current one and I can’t wait. I’m hoping this new job will stimulate me a lot more mentally so I can kind of remove Baba as my emotional crutch. I need time to do my own thing and hopefully I’ll get it. It helps that Ramadan is starting. We won’t have to see each other as much.
In more other news – a little FB stalking tells me that S is now a father. I am truly happy for him. I think he’ll be an amazing dad. I want to speak to him to congratulate him but I won’t. I just hope that God has a way of letting him know that I am really pleased for him.
A crappy crappy blog post but hopefully a little filler for the time being! :)