There are things that make me smile and reaffirm my faith. A’s son is gorgeous. And as he sent me a picture of him – we both made the same comment. Even after all this time, I realise why he’s my friend! 
Confused
I don’t know why my heart and head can’t both tell me the same thing. He denies everything. I have no concrete evidence but I see no other reason why she would lie to me. He tells me he’ll prove his innocence. But I can’t believe that.
He ended up in hospital last night. His sister phoned me this morning. I couldn’t not go. And I dragged myself to be there. His whole family were there. I have met them more times in the last week than in the last 15 months. I don’t know. I need to break this hold he has over me. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy but he seems insistent that I am a part of his future.
Me? I want to be wrong. But if I was wrong in my accusations, what does that say about our relationship? I just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate.
Too Good To Be True
He cheated on me. And with that my heart is crushed.
A Catch Up
This is going to be a very haphazard post. Believe me – there will be no flow to it. In fact, it’ll be lots of little snippets of what has been happening. I might just even bullet point it in chronological to form some sort of order.
- I’m another year older. Oh my God this sucks. I didn’t want to celebrate too much this year and in a bid to introduce baba to my family, I invited a few friends over for lunch/dinner. Baba agreed and in the days leading up to it, I was overcome with nerves. My mother has spoken to him on Skype before so that wasn’t so bad – but he’s never spoken to my father. And we all know that fathers are the ones boys have to convince if they want to marry their daughter (not that I’m saying we will get married but “if” opens a whole world of possibilities! Thankfully he was the first to arrive with flowers for myself, my mum and my sister. And then my mum had to rush off. So once my other friends had all arrived, we sat and chilled. After food was served, my friends and I retreated to the living room. I thought baba would join us but instead he spent the next four hours talking and joking with my dad and my siblings (and my mother once she’d come back!). I would like to think it was a success, but you can never be too sure! I also received a very beautiful cake courtesy of baba. In fact he may have come out of this alright!
- I hate my job. Seriously – the new job is not how I thought it would be. There’s not enough structure to the role and I really need that with a job. Especially a new one. I’m only 6 months in but I would like to apply for a new one.
- The AP has cut down on their drinking. It’s been great *touch wood* – I don’t know how long it will last for but at this moment in time I am so content with it.
- Baba – we have out ups and downs – we are a flawed couple. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me but sometimes I think our differences will be our downfall. I am scared of getting hurt. Scared that I have become this vulnerable. That he has this effect on me. We have been together for a while and I still get butterflies every time I talk to him and he is on my mind constantly – this can’t be good for either of us.
- Random snippet of conversations:
- “You are so beautiful. I was looking at photos of us together – we are so hot together” – modesty at its best!
- “You will make a better man out of me – and for that I love you.” – causing my heart to burst with love.
- “I know I do stupid things – but I can’t lose you. Please don’t hurt me” – causing my heart to break.
Confused and unsure – not a good place to be in right now.
- There was a Jodeci/Blackstreet/SWV concert on over the weekend. Many of my friends went but apparently Jodeci were so bad, they got booed off the stage (one of them may have even fallen off the stage!). I was working with a girl on the weekend who is 21 and I mentioned about the concert. Her response “Who’s that?”. She didn’t even know what Sweet Valley High was! This generation is a lost cause! To be fair, she didn’t know that Egypt was in Africa either and I shouldn’t judge but come on?!!!!
- The weather in Britain is cold. I want the spring to start. I miss the sun. It’s getting everyone down – I really want to wear a nice skirt or a nice shirt that is not layered up with thick woolen tights or with jumpers masking it! I want to be pretty again!
And that sums up what has been happening (in a nut shell).
Happy birthday to me!
The Aftermath
I hate Valentine’s Day. No seriously. I hate it. And I’m not even single. It’s such an overrated event. I’ve never liked it. Bad memories and feelings of rejection for never receiving a card (Yeah, I should let it go but I’m crazy like that!).
I didn’t organise anything with Baba last year for Valentine’s Day. We’d just started dating and I wasn’t sure what to do. In the end, I got him a card, socks and a world’s best boyfriend mug. In return, I got nothing. That’s right – nothing! And I don’t rarely hold it against him because he was in the midst of organising his sister’s engagement.
This year, I didn’t want to do anything again (yeah, I’m crap like that). He asked me if we were doing anything and I said no. I said I’d put his card in the post and I’d see him another time. So he took this as an opportunity to invite me for dinner and so I said yes. But then on Wednesday, I called and said not to worry – we’ll go out for dinner another time. I had bought my mum a rose, some chocolates and a card and wanted to spend it with her.
He called me on Valentine’s day and said to meet him after work. I caved because I didn’t get around to posting his card and wanted to drop it off.
So cue my lunch being spent trying to find an appropriate gift and a rose. In the end, I gave him a beautiful (well I think it is) photograph of us taken a few weeks ago.
I gave him his gifts and listened to him tell me he didn’t get me anything. And as I wasn’t expecting anything, I wasn’t too bothered. I said we should get ready for dinner and then I could go home. He went into the other room and came back with a single rose, a box of lindt lindor chocolates (the way to my heart – he knows me so well!), some perfume and a beautifully arranged selection of roses and lilies that he had arranged himself (inclusive of vase). It was so thoughtful and lovely of him that I may have fallen in love with him all over again. Is that sad and soppy?
He’s a charmer – that’s for certain. And I am smitten. Of that I am certain.
Special Day
I can’t believe a year has gone so quickly. This time last year we celebrated your birthday – the first of what I hoped was many to come. When my plans didn’t work out. But we still celebrated.
Today, we celebrate your birthday. You don’t really celebrate because let’s face it – you’re old. OK – fine! You’re older. But I celebrate it. With a little too much enthusiasm. Because without this day, you wouldn’t be in my life. I honestly don’t know what life has in store for us baba. I don’t know if I am strong enough to be with you. My heart and mind are so conflicted. Things have not been easy for us recently – I would be a fool to think they were. Maybe I am the saboteur. Maybe.
I love you. Of that there is no doubt. But sometimes love isn’t enough. We both know this.
Happy birthday my baba.
Sleep When You Should Be
Baba is a night owl. When we first starting dating, we did the whole late night phone calls and texts. As our relationship has progressed, this has obviously toned down (awww I miss the joys of the honeymoon period). However, Baba’s night owl traits continue. Regularly, I will wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning and see missed calls/text messages at completely un-Godly hours of the early morning.
Sometimes, I will get a text saying “love you” which always makes my heart swell. And most often than not, in a sleep induced state and with only one eye open, I will text back – “love you too”. This is the way we are.
But the other night, I awoke in the middle of the night and sent a text “kiss. x” to Baba. Or well it looked like Baba in my induced state and with only one eye open. And I realised as soon as I pressed the send button that it wasn’t Baba but a male acquaintance. I was mortified. Quickly sent him another text to apologise (he must have loved me texting him at 2:00am!) and then sent the kiss text to Baba.
Moral of the story – sleep when you should be. Don’t text.
Weakness
Mine is my loved ones. I rarely stand up for myself anymore. Choosing to weather the storm rather than brave it. Choosing to let them have the last word. Choosing to be weak. Let their words and actions get to me. I don’t have the strength to fight back. I am weak. And I am sad that this is who I am. That is how people see me. That my heart breaks so easily.
Recognising Faithfulness
Baba: What you wearing?
Me: Jeans and a jumper – it’s cold you know!
Baba: No… what are you WEARING?
Me: *realisation dawning as to what he’s asking me* Oh……… *describes very unflattering unmatching underwear*
Baba: Oh yeah, you’re not sleeping with anybody else if your underwear isn’t matching!
Me: Hahahahahahaha. You know me so well!
Things Not to Do on a Wednesday Morning
Try to heat crystallised honey on a metal spoon in the microwave (even if only for 5 seconds), try and take the spoon out and burn your thumb.
Why? Because it hurts like f**k.
