The AP will never change. And it saddens me. They should know better but they don’t. But the worst thing about this is how I feel. I expect so much. I see a few “dry” days and my heart leaps with Hope. Hope that this is It. This time my prayers will have been answered. And the feeling I get when it isn’t It. The feeling of despair as I listen to the arguments. The criticism. The same shit on a different day.
And then I get a reality check. I see the news. I read about the lives lost in Phillipines. And it puts everything into perspective. That God has bigger problems to solve than that of my alcoholic parent.
So I deal with it.
Oh you want me to go to Perth, Australia for business? And you’re going to pay for it?
But I’ve only been at the comapny 4 months – are you sure?
Wow – this is a great opportunity – thank you!
(How amazing that I get to go to the other side of the world ofr work related activities?! I think it’s my time to shine!)
A Love Like This Before.
I am completely in love with Baba. To the point that when I hear his voice, it haunts me. It makes me crave him. To be near him.
There is not a moment of the day when I don’t think about him. It is usually fleeting but he is always in my thoughts and I can’t help myself.
Our relationship is comfortable again and slowly but surely I am starting to trust him again.
I know this makes me vulnerable and I can’t be sure that this love will not be the love that breaks me. But whatever happens, I know that I tried. I have truly loved and hopefully won’t have lost.
Yesterday as I typed my (LONG) surname into an email, the spellcheck highlighted it. Now this is not strange as there are so many letters in it so sometimes I mistype them. As I checked, I coudl see that I typed it right so why hadn’t it been picked up by my aceepted words that are in the dictionary?
As I checked my email signature, I saw that I had typed my name in incorrectly the first time and this is what I had been sending out all this time.
#sadtimes when you can’t even spell your own surname.
My blogging has become so intermittent. I’m still reading all my regular blogs (thanks to Sarah and her blog roll!) but have hardly any time to comment or post myself!
The new job is keeping me busy and there is talk of travel to Australia – whether it materialises or not, the talk itself is enough to keep me motivated!
Baba is well. We are doing OK. Every day is hard. Purely because of the pressure I put on what I want out of this relationship. There have been times when I have questioned if I am with him because it’s better than being alone. I have read all the inspirational quotes about it being better to be alone but when we are together, it is so easy. Sometimes I think about if I just want to look after him. He is broken. I know I can’t fix him. But I want to look after him. Hold him and tell him that everything will be OK. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. I work so far from him now and seeing each other has decreased. I get tired. I can’t travel halfway across the city to see him. And the option of him coming to me is limited as I still live at home.
But that said – I am house/flat hunting! Property prices in London are CRAZY though! Partly because it is time to move out (but as an Asian girl who has been dedicated to her family all her life – this is so hard to think about!) but my family and I are getting on top of each other. What I used to appreciate as closeness is sometimes resentful. I don’t get the time to sulk after arguments. I am expected to be happy all the time. It’s hard. Sometimes, I want to sit in the living room and read my book. I just need some me time – ALONE. I know this sounds bratty. That isn’t my intention – you only have to read any of my family/sibling posts to know that I love them without a shadow of a doubt and wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them. But I want some space. To grow. To be able to enjoy my own company once in a while.
I have decided to give him another chance. Well not so much another chance. We’re trying to be friends. We’re going on dates. I know – fool me once shame on me… but I need to try. Because I need to be sure.
It’s been tough. I mean – trusting him is hard. I mean – he is trying very hard. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I don’t know if I’m handling this the right way. I guess only time will tell.
But in other news – I have a new job. It’s my last week at my current one and I can’t wait. I’m hoping this new job will stimulate me a lot more mentally so I can kind of remove Baba as my emotional crutch. I need time to do my own thing and hopefully I’ll get it. It helps that Ramadan is starting. We won’t have to see each other as much.
In more other news – a little FB stalking tells me that S is now a father. I am truly happy for him. I think he’ll be an amazing dad. I want to speak to him to congratulate him but I won’t. I just hope that God has a way of letting him know that I am really pleased for him.
A crappy crappy blog post but hopefully a little filler for the time being!
I am confused. Heart broken and confused. Baba adamantly defends that he didn’t cheat on me. The other woman messages me every day – giving random updates about her life. And I know she is hurt. He hasn’t contacted her since she “alleged” his cheating. So I make the time to have conversation with her. She is a nomad – a loner and I feel bad. I have loved ones who make up for the lonely times – but she doesn’t. It’s hard – because had we met under different circumstances I think we would have got on well.
I don’t know what to believe any more. I have spent time with Baba since it happened. He was hospitalised a few days after it all happened. I should have left him to be cared for by his family but his sister called and said he was asking for me. I was so worried that I went. In hindsight, I am not sure if this was my best decision. But feelings don’t change overnight. And I would never wish ill health on anybody. If I can give the other woman the time to tell her story, I can give Baba the time to tell his side.
It’s hard because every time I see him, I want to hold him. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. He seems like a broken man. Is that my fault for being distant? I want him to get better. I want him to achieve all his dreams. The ones we spent so much time making. So what if they’re without me? I was stupid to believe that I was enough for him. But do I believe him? He’s had a difficult life. A childhood that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Sometimes I feel as though he doesn’t know how to appreciate love. Not his fault – but I have an overwhelming amount of love to give – to everybody but to those I care for – my love knows no bounds. As a result, it can be stifling. I don’t know. I am confused. And writing this post isn’t helping because I am at work and not writing properly.
The other woman seems so normal (but then I come across as normal to most)!). She’s also started writing a blog and shared it with me. She writes very well. I haven’t told anyone that I am talking to Baba. B would disown me. He knows what he’s losing. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I am a good cup of tea.
I realise I am being naive. And perhaps too kind for my own good but I don’t think I can change this. Everyone deserves a chance. I can’t promise you that I will be with Baba forever and I can’tr promise you that I will ever know the truth. I have to take a chance. I’m not sure with what yet. When I realise, you will be the first to know.
“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” – Robert Muller”
There are things that make me smile and reaffirm my faith. A’s son is gorgeous. And as he sent me a picture of him – we both made the same comment. Even after all this time, I realise why he’s my friend!
I don’t know why my heart and head can’t both tell me the same thing. He denies everything. I have no concrete evidence but I see no other reason why she would lie to me. He tells me he’ll prove his innocence. But I can’t believe that.
He ended up in hospital last night. His sister phoned me this morning. I couldn’t not go. And I dragged myself to be there. His whole family were there. I have met them more times in the last week than in the last 15 months. I don’t know. I need to break this hold he has over me. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy but he seems insistent that I am a part of his future.
Me? I want to be wrong. But if I was wrong in my accusations, what does that say about our relationship? I just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate.
He cheated on me. And with that my heart is crushed.