I love my friends – B, A, R, RL, SS and all the other random initials you might have seen on here.
I went out on Friday night without them though. Because I know that when we are out, we stick together. We have our own jokes, our own terminology for things, our own little quirks and I am comfortable around them. Friday night was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Invited out for a birthday party of a boy I didn’t know by a girl who I’ve only recently met is not ideal – social butterfly or not!
But I went because as much as I love my friends, they are at different stages to me and trying to talk to them about how I feel makes me scared. Afraid that they’ll judge me. Thinking that I should have moved on by now.
I met a girl. Someone whom I’ve seen around at other parties. We share mutual friends and have said hello to each other more than once but we’ve never had an actual conversation. But Friday night, I was able to share my fears of loneliness, dating sites, marriage and the future because she is in the exact same boat as me. And it happened so easily. We spoke about our pasts and I mentioned the ex because even though it’s been a while, there is still some pain. My physical insecurities are so rarely voiced in public – in fact not at all. I don’t share with anyone how I feel about myself but with her I did. Not because I want her to become my lifelong friend. But because it felt good to be able to share that with someone who I don’t know. Someone who I don’t care if she’ll judge me or not.
I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that with the usual lot. Not because they wouldn’t support me but because they’d know me at my most vulnerable. And I’m not sure if I want them to see that side of me.
I’m not sure if I want anyone to see that side of me. The side that actually cares. The side that is so lonely that it’s sometimes in despair. The side that matters.