This week has been bad. Baba and I are going through a very rocky period. We spent the weekend together and I said how I was fed up of having to financially support him all the time. I know he has his own shit to deal with but I was really struggling this month. I really dented his ego. And I don’t think he’ll ever be able to forget it. I have been so emotionally weak and I am disappointed with myself. Questioning my whole existence. It didn’t help that I was racially abused by some customers at work last night. They were drinking on the premises when they shouldn’t have been. And when I confronted them about it – got verbally abusive. One comment that sticks out is how they made a reference to my complexion. A quick search on the blog for “complexion” will quickly tell you how that is such a big deal for me. I let it get to me. I could not stop the tears. It was the release of the trauma of the whole week. Overworked, unloved, relationship troubles. I really just needed somebody to talk to. I haven’t opened up to anybody. I have nobody to open up to. My blog – the one thing that I had was taken away from me. My friends – busy with their own lives. I have no doubt that they would be there for me but I’m not giving them that chance – I am not going to be a burden for anybody. My siblings – I am not going to let them see how weak I am. I need to stay strong for them.
Baba – no. I am tired of all the arguing. The lack of trust on my part. I know he has given me no need for me to trust him but he gave me his FB password. And if he had anything to hide, he wouldn’t have given it to me. But I am a girl and I am insecure. If anything, I contributed a great deal to the downfall of this relationship. But that is here nor there. I haven’t said it out loud yet but I seriously think I am done. We are not good for each other. I am definitely not good for him. I have been caught up in the whole someone wanting to be with me despite what I look like. Despite what I am. Despite me being me. Everyone wants to be loved and I really thought I had that.
I Googled signs of depression earlier this week. That can’t be a good thing can it? I don’t think I’m depressed. I just needed somebody to talk to. I spoke to B briefly this morning. I miss her. But I finally admitted to everything. What has been going on. None of the usual “I’m fine” BS. And it is a relief. I feel so much better and having spoken to her.
I believe in God. I had a conversation with him last week. Why does he think that I am not good enough to be a wife to somebody or a mother to somebody? Why create me if there is no purpose to my life? And then the Hindu in me kicked in. That I must have done something so bad in a previous life that I deserve this.
I know that there are people out there that have problems and woes 100 times worse than mine. That I should be thankful for have what I have. But it is how I feel.
I can only hope and pray that this feeling of despair will get better.