Self Diagnosis

This week has been bad. Baba and I are going through a very rocky period. We spent the weekend together and I said how I was fed up of having to financially support him all the time. I know he has his own shit to deal with but I was really struggling this month. I really dented his ego. And I don’t think he’ll ever be able to forget it. I have been so emotionally weak and I am disappointed with myself. Questioning my whole existence. It didn’t help that I was racially abused by some customers at work last night. They were drinking on the premises when they shouldn’t have been. And when I confronted them about it – got verbally abusive. One comment that sticks out is how they made a reference to my complexion. A quick search on the blog for “complexion” will quickly tell you how that is such a big deal for me. I let it get to me. I could not stop the tears. It was the release of the trauma of the whole week. Overworked, unloved, relationship troubles. I really just needed somebody to talk to. I haven’t opened up to anybody. I have nobody to open up to. My blog – the one thing that I had was taken away from me. My friends – busy with their own lives. I have no doubt that they would be there for me but I’m not giving them that chance – I am not going to be a burden for anybody. My siblings – I am not going to let them see how weak I am. I need to stay strong for them.

Baba – no. I am tired of all the arguing. The lack of trust on my part. I know he has given me no need for me to trust him but he gave me his FB password. And if he had anything to hide, he wouldn’t have given it to me. But I am a girl and I am insecure. If anything, I contributed a great deal to the downfall of this relationship. But that is here nor there. I haven’t said it out loud yet but I seriously think I am done. We are not good for each other. I am definitely not good for him. I have been caught up in the whole someone wanting to be with me despite what I look like. Despite what I am. Despite me being me. Everyone wants to be loved and I really thought I had that.

I Googled signs of depression earlier this week. That can’t be a good thing can it? I don’t think I’m depressed. I just needed somebody to talk to. I spoke to B briefly this morning. I miss her. But I finally admitted to everything. What has been going on. None of the usual “I’m fine” BS. And it is a relief. I feel so much better and having spoken to her.

I believe in God. I had a conversation with him last week. Why does he think that I am not good enough to be a wife to somebody or a mother to somebody? Why create me if there is no purpose to my life? And then the Hindu in me kicked in. That I must have done something so bad in a previous life that I deserve this.

I know that there are people out there that have problems and woes 100 times worse than mine. That I should be thankful for have what I have. But it is how I feel.

I can only hope and pray that this feeling of despair will get better.

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7 thoughts on “Self Diagnosis

  1. I don’t know what’s going on with you and Baba, but I have been in that position before when you’re financially supporting a boyfriend, and it becomes more than just financial support. You also absorb the stress and it wears on you emotionally. And then physically and mentally. It affects everything, so I know what you mean when you say you are tired and worn down.

    Despite what you look like? Girl, you are beautiful. From inside to out.

  2. I am really sorry to hear you are going through all this. Hope it gets better. I have that exact same conversation you have been having with God too. I have to believe that there is someone out there for all of us, that God will eventually introduce us to at the right time. I just wish he’d hurry up about it though!

  3. Hey there, I hope you are well. I was just reading this article and thought of leaving my two cents hoping that it might be able to shed some light.
    I think you supporting your BF is a wonderful thing. And he is so lucky to have someone like you in his life.
    But since stone age men have been hard wired to provide and protect. So not being able to do so and having to obtain support from the person he should be providing for, must be completely destroying him. Which in turn affects the way he behaves.
    Even he might not know what he is going through. It is just nature.
    I hope this helps and I do hope you are having a great week.
    Take care and big hugs.

    • Cj – I actually love you – have I told you that? Because if I haven’t, I should have done. When I first read this comment, it made me feel so much better. The more I read it, the more I sympathise. Thank you for comments. They always make a difference. 🙂

      • Aww ty! I am glad my two cents helped. I actually found the book “What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You and Your Father Didn’t Know: Advanced Relationship Skills for Better Communication and Lasting Intimacy” by John Gray quite insightful. In fact this book changed the way I behave and interact with the members of the opposite sex. Hope you are having a lovely week. 🙂

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