Complicated

I am confused. Heart broken and confused. Baba adamantly defends that he didn’t cheat on me. The other woman messages me every day – giving random updates about her life. And I know she is hurt. He hasn’t contacted her since she “alleged” his cheating. So I make the time to have conversation with her. She is a nomad – a loner and I feel bad. I have loved ones who make up for the lonely times – but she doesn’t. It’s hard – because had we met under different circumstances I think we would have got on well.

I don’t  know what to  believe any more. I have spent time with Baba since it happened. He was hospitalised a few days after it all happened. I should have left him to be cared for by his family but his sister called and said he was asking for me. I was so worried that I went. In hindsight, I am not sure if this was my best decision. But feelings don’t change overnight. And I would never wish ill health on anybody. If I can give the other woman the time to tell her story, I can give Baba the time to tell his side.

It’s hard because every time I see him, I want to hold him. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. He seems like a broken man. Is that my fault for being distant? I want him to get better. I want him to achieve all his dreams. The ones we spent so much time making. So what if they’re without me? I was stupid to believe that I was enough for him. But do I believe him? He’s had a difficult life. A childhood that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Sometimes I feel as though he doesn’t know how to appreciate love. Not his fault – but I have an overwhelming amount of love to give – to everybody but to those I care for – my love knows no bounds. As a result, it can be stifling. I don’t know. I am confused. And writing this post isn’t helping because I am at work and not writing properly.

The other woman seems so normal (but then I come across as normal to most)!). She’s also started writing a blog and shared it with me. She writes very well. I haven’t told anyone that I am talking to Baba. B would disown me. He knows what he’s losing. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I am a good cup of tea.

I realise I am being naive. And perhaps too kind for my own good but I don’t think I can change this. Everyone deserves a chance. I can’t promise you that I will be with Baba forever and I can’tr promise you that I will ever know the truth. I have to take a chance. I’m not sure with what yet. When I realise, you will be the first to know.

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” – Robert Muller”

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4 thoughts on “Complicated

  1. some decisions are made by the heart and those, you dont have to justify to anybody. even if its a mistake it is still yours to make. so do what feels right to you. be strong scrumpy. you and only you will know eventually if its right for you or not. take care.

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