I am confused. Heart broken and confused. Baba adamantly defends that he didn’t cheat on me. The other woman messages me every day – giving random updates about her life. And I know she is hurt. He hasn’t contacted her since she “alleged” his cheating. So I make the time to have conversation with her. She is a nomad – a loner and I feel bad. I have loved ones who make up for the lonely times – but she doesn’t. It’s hard – because had we met under different circumstances I think we would have got on well.
I don’t know what to believe any more. I have spent time with Baba since it happened. He was hospitalised a few days after it all happened. I should have left him to be cared for by his family but his sister called and said he was asking for me. I was so worried that I went. In hindsight, I am not sure if this was my best decision. But feelings don’t change overnight. And I would never wish ill health on anybody. If I can give the other woman the time to tell her story, I can give Baba the time to tell his side.
It’s hard because every time I see him, I want to hold him. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. He seems like a broken man. Is that my fault for being distant? I want him to get better. I want him to achieve all his dreams. The ones we spent so much time making. So what if they’re without me? I was stupid to believe that I was enough for him. But do I believe him? He’s had a difficult life. A childhood that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Sometimes I feel as though he doesn’t know how to appreciate love. Not his fault – but I have an overwhelming amount of love to give – to everybody but to those I care for – my love knows no bounds. As a result, it can be stifling. I don’t know. I am confused. And writing this post isn’t helping because I am at work and not writing properly.
The other woman seems so normal (but then I come across as normal to most)!). She’s also started writing a blog and shared it with me. She writes very well. I haven’t told anyone that I am talking to Baba. B would disown me. He knows what he’s losing. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I am a good cup of tea.
I realise I am being naive. And perhaps too kind for my own good but I don’t think I can change this. Everyone deserves a chance. I can’t promise you that I will be with Baba forever and I can’tr promise you that I will ever know the truth. I have to take a chance. I’m not sure with what yet. When I realise, you will be the first to know.
“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” – Robert Muller”