Over

Baba and I are over. Done with. Finished. Khalas It’s only hit me today. So much that I went to the toilet and cried. It was my decision. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt any less.

Things have not been great between us for a while. Ever since I started my new job but especially so in the last 6 months. Lots of travel and not enough time for each other. The last few weeks we have been arguing like crazy. And the man he has shown me that he can be is not somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want sympathy or pity. And if I write it down it will be real.

The relationship was abusive. Not physically. But verbally, mentally and emotionally. The last few months I have walked on eggshells around him. I didn’t dare say anything for fear of upsetting him. I know he has been given a bad hand in life – things that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but there was no need to take them out on me. It got to the point where I dreaded seeing his number come up on my phone. He tried to control me. I am not that girl. I refused to be.
When I told him I don’t want to be with him, he flew into tantrums, threatened to ruin my life, expose my secrets to my family. But what can he do that hasn’t already hurt me. I am hurting. I invested nearly 3 years of my life into loving someone and I didn’t really know them.

He owes me a lot of money. But now I am ready to cut my losses. I keep berating myself. I should have known better than to date him. And he might have been my rebound guy. But he also might have been THE guy.
I think I was charmed at the time. He said all the right things that I wanted (and needed) to hear.

Don;t get me wrong – we had some great times. I have a lot to thank him for. The first guy and only guy to call me beautiful. For loving me. Because I truly believed that he did.

It’s difficult. I am 32 now. My friends pretty much all married and at a different chapter in their lives. And here I am, picking up the pieces of my heart once again.

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8 thoughts on “Over

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. They’re always hard, but they sting a little more when you get to your thirties and feel like your life isn’t where you thought it would be. I got divorced right before thirty and had two breakups after that, one of a two year relationship. It’s hard, but you will pick up the pieces and you will move forward again! It’s better to get out of a relationship that’s bad for you at 32 than to stick with it hoping for it to fix itself for twenty years and realize how much time you’ve wasted!

  2. You are strong and you did the right thing. He wasn’t the one but there will be more and better men. 32 is just a number. Besides im pretty sure you’ve accomplished so much with your life. Getting married is just an existential status. What matters is who you are and what you’ve achieved. When its your time you will choose and maybe settle. Or maybe you wont. The beauty of breaking up is that the future becomes more open and exciting if you are willing to see it that way. Just be the wonderful strong successful woman you are and you will find so much happiness.

  3. Most of what I read sounds similar to my last relationship, only it was (thankfully) much much shorter. Part of the travelling from my end too, seemed to have been the cause, apparently. But from my end, I’m glad it’s over. I know your must’ve been different with three years of your life with him, but one of your newer posts tells me that you are stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. <– all that coming from someone who just dropped by your blog. Hugs!

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