Today is a shitty day

You would have thought 4 weeks away would have been good for me. But 3 weeks having to pretend to my family that I was OK took its toll.

He called me whilst I was away – several times. Telling me loves me, misses me. I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.

Today I keep think about how could he do that to me? How can you hurt someone you love so bad? Was it my fault? Am I to blame? Why wasn’t I good enough? And I know none of the responsibility of his cheating is on me. But how can he seem to get away with it.

The lady that he cheated on me with (one of many) messages me. I don’t know if I reply so that through her I can still keep him close. I don’t want to know what is happening with him, but at the same time I do. She still sees him, talks to him and has him in her life daily. I cannot comprehend their relationship (she has a partner!). Out of the women that I know he has cheated on me with, it seems I am the only one with morals. Reading of quotes does not help me. I am constantly sad. I want this to go away. I want to feel loved – like I am good enough for love.

I wish I could explain to somebody how my heart aches. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about this.

I have tried so hard not to cry. But I need to. However, the tears are not enough. I do not know how to exorcise myself of him. Of the relationship. Of the good memories I have. I have deleted everything. But I miss him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I miss the moments that might have been genuine.

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4 thoughts on “Today is a shitty day

  1. Its okay to cry, it will make you feel better, and there will be a day that your heart decides that it’s done crying, and that you won`t shed another tear because of him. When that day comes you will feel a lot lighter and free. I’ve been there, so just letting you know that you feel feel strong after this, “this too shall pass”. *hugs*

  2. You know the basics: it was not your fault, he’s a terrible person, in the long run you’re going to be better off, etc. It’s just going to take some time for your heart to catch up to your brain. It will. I promise.

  3. Oh gosh, I can’t imagine how hard this is but you’re torturing yourself. You know that none of it is your fault and it’s OK to be sad as well – just give yourself some time and kindness.

  4. I will help you in anyway I can. We can chat if you like. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. But healing in these situations take time and effort.

    Hang on and you will be fine.

    Big hug and wish you strength! ❤

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