2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

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4 thoughts on “2017

  1. Big hug! I completely know how you feel. Relationships never worked for me and I’m struggling now as well, on my own.
    When I’m on my own, I feel lonely, no one to talk to about the little things that happen everyday and I miss being loved.
    But we also need to realise that no matter what, at the end of the day we only have ourselves and our families.
    So, chin up. it’s easier said than done. But try some interesting recipes, go for a walk, watch a movie, adopt a dog and life will make you feel OK again.
    Talk to me anytime, ok 🙂

    • Thanks LD! I guess I focus on the being lonely part too much. But that said, I have an amazing bunch of family and friends and whilst it isn’t the same thing, it’s just as good! We’ll be fine!

  2. Wow, so many big changes in your life since you last posted! Congrats on having the courage to leave a job that didn’t make you happy. That can be a hard move to make! Hopefully the new job with the previous employer will gradually shift into something you feel better about!

    Moving out on your own is great, too! You’re right about the cooking being a pain, though. There were many nights where I had cereal or popcorn because it was easier, but I secretly miss that flexibility sometimes. 😉 There are a lot of benefits to living on your own and in spite of my initial hesitation when I did it, I grew to really love and appreciate it!

    Congrats also on your WW success! That’s awesome. Slow loss is the way to go on that front, as that’s more likely it will stick!

    Finally, I totally identify with the questions about motherhood, as it’s something I struggled with for a long time. I think so much of it does have to do with the expectation that as a woman we want kids and our lives should revolve around having them. Ultimately, that was not my path, but I still struggle sometimes because I feel like the world wonders about me a little for the choice. It’s a very personal one and something that you can only look internally and situationally to decide. If I had ended up with someone who didn’t have a child, my path may have been different, but you just never can tell!

    So glad you’re doing well and making positive changes in your life!

    • Bluemoon! I love when you comment – your posts always make me smile. Thank you so much for your vote of confidence! Hopefully I will get used to cooking – I just need to make sure I always have bread in the house in case all I want is toast for dinner! 🙂 Wishing you, BF and J a beautiful 2017! x

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