Why do I keep making the same mistake or taking the same decisions and expecting different results?
I am my own worst enemy. Remember the guy (because I can hardly call him the boy!)? He asked to see me shortly after the drama that ensued when she told her father about him. We went from talking every day for at least 12 hours of the day – to 30 mins of rushed catch up. Of course that was hard – but I told myself, you can do this. He wasn’t mine to begin with. I didn’t want to agree but of course my heart overruled my head. He got in my car and sat down in the passenger seat. I curled up cross legged in the driver seat facing him. It took all of my will power to not reach out and caress his face, touch his hand or have some form of physical contact. He looked tired.I told him as such “You look shit!”. He laughed – “I knew you’d be honest with me. How are you?”.
Oh the numerous ways that I could answer that. Was it ironic that I am so honest with him and in that moment I couldn’t be? I deflected and asked him “Don’t worry about me – how are you doing?” He took my hand up to his cheek – “I missed you. I didn’t know this was going to happen so quickly”
“But we knew it was going to happen and at least it has now – better for you.”
I leaned over to get my handbag from the back seat and he kissed me – it was unexpected. There was something so different about it. A sense of urgency. I should have pulled away – but heart on sleeve wearer – I know where my emotions lie and I couldn’t pull away. I didn’t know if this was my last time feeling his touch. So I let him. I let him kiss me, and when he hugged me tight – I held on just as hard.
That was nearly 7 weeks ago. And since then I haven’t given him up. We are so similar in so many ways – and we have so much in common – it is uncanny! Our outlook on life, our music tastes, our sense of humour – just – it all seems to click.
We have had some intense conversations – Does he wish he’d met me before her? A question I shouldn’t ask but I do – because I am tipsy and loved up and my emotions are not in check. “Yes” and so I berate him for telling me what I want to hear.
Our schedules mean we don’t see each other for a week. And the following I am away – in a country where the time zone is not convenient. When he calls, our conversation is cut short most often than not as I am on holiday with family. He texts me telling he can’t wait until I am back – missing out conversations. In all honesty, I agree with him – our conversations are the best – they are filled with so much randomness and rubbish. Silences are not common and if they are they are certainly not uncomfortable.
I see him the day I return home. And as we are there in each other’s company – he tells me something has changed. I ask him what? But he doesn’t elaborate. I can tell he missed me. And I can see in the way he looks at me (but I am crap at reading people – S and Baba clearly are testament to that!) that he cares for me. We have an amazing time together. I profess my love for him and he does the same. Later on, I realise the change he implied – it wasn’t lust any more. I don’t think it ever had been just lust. But now we’re fucked. Because he missed me more than he should have done. He missed my conversation. He missed me. And it works both ways. I missed him. I missed his conversation – but I have been missing his conversation since the drama unfolded. I have got used to it. But I never told him so.
Why are we like this? Because I know she has left her family for him. So we’re both shits basically.
It has become so bad, that I writing memos to myself. Because I don’t want to blog about it yet but I want to document how I am feeling. I want to remember everything. How I feel at this particular moment in time.
We said we would stop. I told him it would have to be him that pulls the plug – but the other day he changed the narrative – what if he doesn’t? And I said I don’t know.