I don’t know what I am doing really. I have been consistently writing memos to myself. I read them back to myself – and out of 30 – 2 are maybe “sad” – the others all the happy moments.
The guy and me did this thing in the beginning – “Are you happy?” we would ask each other – giving us the opportunity to be honest with each other. And we used to ask each other this pretty much every week. And my answer has always been yes – his too! Cue about 4 weeks ago, he raised the point that we hadn’t asked each other in a while (maybe a month) and I knew why – because I was genuinely happy – it never crossed my mind that I should ask. I told him as such and I told him that he hadn’t asked either and he said the same. We have been genuinely happy – the situation is so shitty. But when we spend time together, when we talk to each other – we are happy.
He has become more familiar now – conversations are littered with “baby” and that in itself is enough to melt my heart – I am trying to not get attached. I mean, I am attached but I know what the outcome is.
I started writing this in February – and I never got around to publishing it. It is now almost mid March and nothing has really changed.
Our conversations are very candid. We are honest with each other and that is a breath of fresh air to me.
I wish things could be so different.