Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

The Guy and me are done. It was easier than I thought it would be. Helped by the fact The Boy was in the picture. Has been since that eventful night when I met him back in May.

The Guy – An Update: Following your civil ceremony, I didn’t see you. I haven’t seen you. We speak on the phone – infrequently – The Boy taking up all my time. You ask to see me and I keep making excuses. When we do talk, you mention that you miss me but I can’t say I feel the same. I know the date for the Hindu ceremony is set. And I am happy for you. Between May and now, we have seen each other on a night out – except I am with The Boy – that is the one brief time.

You call one evening – drunk(!). And you tell me that I don’t have time for you any more. And that you’ve slept with someone else. And it doesn’t hurt me. I am not upset but disappointed. I can’t criticize because that will make me a hypocrite. But I don’t know if you tell me to make me feel some kind of way!

It is scary how easy it was for me to stop contact with you – if you read any of my previous posts, I thought I was in Love! We arrange to meet up – I wanted to wish you well. But then you text me in the day to tell me you can’t. Later that day, I have a car accident. Nothing major – I am safe and cosmetic damage to the car. You call me around midnight to tell me you went to dinner with the girl you slept with. And that is it for me. I know you didn’t know I had an accident but the fact that you blew me off for someone who is random (as far as I am concerned) is enough for me to cut all ties. You tell me that I wouldn’t have seen you – we had made plans so why wouldn’t I have? I tell you our friendship is over. I had tried to call you but you didn’t answer. I make it clear that we can never be friends because I can never call you in a time of need because I know that you might not be able to answer. You won’t be able to explain to whomever you’re with who I am. And what kinda friendship is that?

And with that I am done. I unfollow you on all social media. I don’t answer your calls. I don’t reply to messages. And you soon get the hint. I see pictures on Instagram from the Hindu ceremony and you look happy. She looks happy. And whilst I know that morally what I did wasn’t correct, I don’t regret it.

The Boy – An Intro: We meet on a night out. We share a taxi home and in my drunken state I give you my number. You call me as soon as the taxi drops me off outside my front door. We are on the phone until I think I pass out (I think – my phone battery dead when I check it in the morning!). You’re younger than me. Recently separated and with alcohol dependency issues. I should have run a fucking marathon away from you! But there is something about you that keeps me around. You make me smile. Friends we say. But I don’t understand how people can be just friends with someone they talk to morning, noon and night. Clearly I am going to develop feelings for you. And slowly our “friendship” evolves. You end up in hospital about a month into our friendship – and I am there for the duration – 4 days and 4 nights by your side – only going to your parent’s house to have a shower. You have met my family. My siblings, my parents and some of my closest friends. Introducing you as my friend. I am honest with you about everything – The Guy, Baba, S – the exes of my past. You tell me that you can’t commit to me (yet) and that we take things as they come. I am OK with this. But inevitably I am not seeing anyone else, I don’t want anyone else and it is clear that I am committed to you. But I accept the label of…. well whatever “this” is. But I make it clear that I can’t continue past December. I can’t wait for something that might never come.

But I am silly – yesterday I looked through your phone. I have trust issues. I am needy and in basic words, I am downright crazy – my past relationships have made me feel a type of way that I shouldn’t. I had some doubts about you and a friend of yours. You always confirmed that nothing had happened. But there are videos and pictures of her that suggest otherwise.

I tell you that I have seen them and you carry on denying it. But I have seen them. And you begin to make me doubt myself. I tell you that I am done. You tell me you love me. That you have fallen in love with me. But I don’t believe you. Besides, even if I did – I can’t be with someone who lies. I have been in that position before and it broke me.

I didn’t realise that I would be this upset. Yesterday when I saw your phone I was just relieved that I hadn’t been imagining things. But today I haven’t stopped crying. I thought it might be different. But it is the same cycle. Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

 

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