Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

The Guy and me are done. It was easier than I thought it would be. Helped by the fact The Boy was in the picture. Has been since that eventful night when I met him back in May.

The Guy – An Update: Following your civil ceremony, I didn’t see you. I haven’t seen you. We speak on the phone – infrequently – The Boy taking up all my time. You ask to see me and I keep making excuses. When we do talk, you mention that you miss me but I can’t say I feel the same. I know the date for the Hindu ceremony is set. And I am happy for you. Between May and now, we have seen each other on a night out – except I am with The Boy – that is the one brief time.

You call one evening – drunk(!). And you tell me that I don’t have time for you any more. And that you’ve slept with someone else. And it doesn’t hurt me. I am not upset but disappointed. I can’t criticize because that will make me a hypocrite. But I don’t know if you tell me to make me feel some kind of way!

It is scary how easy it was for me to stop contact with you – if you read any of my previous posts, I thought I was in Love! We arrange to meet up – I wanted to wish you well. But then you text me in the day to tell me you can’t. Later that day, I have a car accident. Nothing major – I am safe and cosmetic damage to the car. You call me around midnight to tell me you went to dinner with the girl you slept with. And that is it for me. I know you didn’t know I had an accident but the fact that you blew me off for someone who is random (as far as I am concerned) is enough for me to cut all ties. You tell me that I wouldn’t have seen you – we had made plans so why wouldn’t I have? I tell you our friendship is over. I had tried to call you but you didn’t answer. I make it clear that we can never be friends because I can never call you in a time of need because I know that you might not be able to answer. You won’t be able to explain to whomever you’re with who I am. And what kinda friendship is that?

And with that I am done. I unfollow you on all social media. I don’t answer your calls. I don’t reply to messages. And you soon get the hint. I see pictures on Instagram from the Hindu ceremony and you look happy. She looks happy. And whilst I know that morally what I did wasn’t correct, I don’t regret it.

The Boy – An Intro: We meet on a night out. We share a taxi home and in my drunken state I give you my number. You call me as soon as the taxi drops me off outside my front door. We are on the phone until I think I pass out (I think – my phone battery dead when I check it in the morning!). You’re younger than me. Recently separated and with alcohol dependency issues. I should have run a fucking marathon away from you! But there is something about you that keeps me around. You make me smile. Friends we say. But I don’t understand how people can be just friends with someone they talk to morning, noon and night. Clearly I am going to develop feelings for you. And slowly our “friendship” evolves. You end up in hospital about a month into our friendship – and I am there for the duration – 4 days and 4 nights by your side – only going to your parent’s house to have a shower. You have met my family. My siblings, my parents and some of my closest friends. Introducing you as my friend. I am honest with you about everything – The Guy, Baba, S – the exes of my past. You tell me that you can’t commit to me (yet) and that we take things as they come. I am OK with this. But inevitably I am not seeing anyone else, I don’t want anyone else and it is clear that I am committed to you. But I accept the label of…. well whatever “this” is. But I make it clear that I can’t continue past December. I can’t wait for something that might never come.

But I am silly – yesterday I looked through your phone. I have trust issues. I am needy and in basic words, I am downright crazy – my past relationships have made me feel a type of way that I shouldn’t. I had some doubts about you and a friend of yours. You always confirmed that nothing had happened. But there are videos and pictures of her that suggest otherwise.

I tell you that I have seen them and you carry on denying it. But I have seen them. And you begin to make me doubt myself. I tell you that I am done. You tell me you love me. That you have fallen in love with me. But I don’t believe you. Besides, even if I did – I can’t be with someone who lies. I have been in that position before and it broke me.

I didn’t realise that I would be this upset. Yesterday when I saw your phone I was just relieved that I hadn’t been imagining things. But today I haven’t stopped crying. I thought it might be different. But it is the same cycle. Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

 

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Birthdays

It was my birthday yesterday. Notmuch you can do when it falls on a weekday and that the first one of the week as well. Everyone was working so there was no point in me taking the day off of work.

Wasn’t the best birthday I have ever had. The AP kicking off and upsetting everybody. My mum writing an emotional message in my card about how me not being married is very upsetting for her. As you know being 32 and unmarried in Asian culture is a big no no. She’s upset at herself. All every parents wants is to see their children settled down. This set me off in tears for disappointing her. For not being good enough to attract someone of our own culture. She didn’t do it in a malicious way – my mother does not have a malicious bone in her body. I told Baba about this and he got upset because she doesn’t see him as a marriage candidate.

With the AP yelling at my non AP parent, Baba sulking, my family going through a stupid amount personal issues, there wasn’t much to celebrate. In fact, I may have cried myself to sleep.

But I am not ungrateful. I am loved by so many – it may not be apparent but there are people with much less than me who are far more thankful than I am. So I am thankful. Thankful for having my family around me, thankful I have a job, thankful that I am able to have a meal on my table when I feel like it. Thankful for being able to have lived another year.

Happy belated birthday to me.

Perspective with Alcohol

The AP will never change. And it saddens me. They should know better but they don’t. But the worst thing about this is how I feel. I expect so much. I see a few “dry” days and my heart leaps with Hope. Hope that this is It. This time my prayers will have been answered. And the feeling I get when it isn’t It. The feeling of despair as I listen to the arguments. The criticism. The same shit on a different day.

And then I get a reality check. I see the news. I read about the lives lost in Phillipines. And it puts everything into perspective. That God has bigger problems to solve than that of my alcoholic parent.

So I deal with it.

A Catch Up

This is going to be a very haphazard post. Believe me – there will be no flow to it. In fact, it’ll be lots of little snippets of what has been happening. I might just even bullet point it in chronological to form some sort of order.

  • I’m another year older. Oh my God this sucks. I didn’t want to celebrate too much this year and in a bid to introduce baba to my family, I invited a few friends over for lunch/dinner. Baba agreed and in the days leading up to it, I was overcome with nerves. My mother has spoken to him on Skype before so that wasn’t so bad – but he’s never spoken to my father. And we all know that fathers are the ones boys have to convince if they want to marry their daughter (not that I’m saying we will get married but “if” opens a whole world of possibilities! Thankfully he was the first to arrive with flowers for myself, my mum and my sister. And then my mum had to rush off. So once my other friends had all arrived, we sat and chilled. After food was served, my friends and I retreated to the living room. I thought baba would join us but instead he spent the next four hours talking and joking with my dad and my siblings (and my mother once she’d come back!). I would like to think it was a success, but you can never be too sure! I also received a very beautiful cake courtesy of baba. In fact he may have come out of this alright! 🙂
  • I hate my job. Seriously – the new job is not how I thought it would be. There’s not enough structure to the role and I really need that with a job. Especially a new one. I’m only 6 months in but I would like to apply for a new one.
  • The AP has cut down on their drinking. It’s been great *touch wood* – I don’t know how long it will last for but at this moment in time I am so content with it.
  • Baba – we have out ups and downs – we are a flawed couple. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me but sometimes I think our differences will be our downfall. I am scared of getting hurt. Scared that I have become this vulnerable. That he has this effect on me. We have been together for a while and I still get butterflies every time I talk to him and he is on my mind constantly – this can’t be good for either of us.
  • Random snippet of conversations:
  1. “You are so beautiful. I was looking at photos of us together – we are so hot together” – modesty at its best!
  2. “You will make a better man out of me – and for that I love you.” – causing my heart to burst with love.
  3. “I know I do stupid things – but I can’t lose you. Please don’t hurt me” – causing my heart to break.

Confused and unsure – not a good place to be in right now.

  • There was a Jodeci/Blackstreet/SWV concert on over the weekend. Many of my friends went but apparently Jodeci were so bad, they got booed off the stage (one of them may have even fallen off the stage!). I was working with a girl on the weekend who is 21 and I mentioned about the concert. Her response “Who’s that?”. She didn’t even know what Sweet Valley High was! This generation is a lost cause! To be fair, she didn’t know that Egypt was in Africa either and I shouldn’t judge but come on?!!!!
  • The weather in Britain is cold. I want the spring to start. I miss the sun. It’s getting everyone down – I really want to wear a nice skirt or a nice shirt that is not layered up with thick woolen tights or with jumpers masking it! I want to be pretty again!

And that sums up what has been happening (in a nut shell).

Happy birthday to me! 🙂

Lonely

The true definitely of lonely? Is having everyone you love around you and still there is nobody to talk to.

The AP is on fine form. Everyone is allowed to say their piece but me. Especially because of the history I have with AP. But how many times can you listen to them abusing  your siblings and your other parent?

Softie. Sensi (short for sensitive). Words that are used to describe me. And not in an endearing way. Yes I am those things. I can’t help it. I should be stronger. I shouldn’t let things get to me so easily. But that’s what makes me me. And maybe that version of me is not a good person to be. Maybe I should change. But at 30 years old – is it too late.

Tears As They Fall

How can alcohol make someone such a cunt?!
I don’t care how you talk to me; whatever names you may call me – I’m used to it.
You have no right to talk to my brother like that. Disowned as your children again. It hurts me much more when I hear you talk to him like that. Sometimes I wonder what we must have done so wrong in a previous life to end up in this one. Hearing your baby brother cry himself to sleep is the worst thing thing in the world.