My Purpose

I have kind of been flitting in and out of online dating – it’s a means to an end but it is laborious and time consuming and I don’t put in the effort I should to reap the rewards that I want.

I recently started speaking to a guy – same background as me. A colourful past though – not someone who I would consider introducing to my parents – but you know bad things happen to good people – we cannot let our pasts define us.

The conversation flowed so easily – I didn’t think about his past at all – I don’t know why. We spoke so often and it seemed inevitable for us to meet. The evening before we were due to meet, he called me and we were chatting our inane nonsense before he told me had something to tell me. He told me that there was someone else as well. And he’d met her before me. So I told him , I would make things easy – I deleted everything and told him that we wouldn’t meet. I was sensible. And that my friends is where all sensibility stopped.

He called me later that night “as friends” – we spoke for over 4 hours. Just stupid things and we agreed that we would have a drink. Nothing had been set in stone with the other girl. So a harmless drink. But a harmless drink turned into dinner which ended up with me kissing him.

We have since seen other a few times, and each time we have had fun. We speak and message constantly. I was slightly optimistic (perhaps that’s where I went wrong). The parameters of what we were doing had not been defined. I think I was happy with that. We were just two people who enjoyed each other’s company.

And then yesterday happened. The other girl told her father that he was the one. It was inevitable. I kind of knew that this was the end goal and there would be nothing between us.

He called me this morning to explain the situation. She has basically sacrificed everything for him and I know this.

I told him , I had served Fate’s/God’s purpose for me in his life. I was there to distract him. And that there was nothing more that I could give. He disagreed. But I have made it clear, that I can’t be in his life. It wouldn’t be fair on anybody.

But it left me wondering – is my purpose to be a stopping gap for these men.

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Humbling

I feel lonely today. The kind of lonely that hurts my soul. I don’t want to tell anyone else. Just because, what can they do? I don’t want to bring them down and I don’t want to be a burden for them. Whilst I know my friends care about me, they don’t need my heartache.

I think I know what triggered it too. As we all know, I am on a dating website. I met a guy not long after O and I. We went on a few dates and I told him I wasn’t interested. He blocked me and that was that. Until mid last year, he found me again on said dating website and insisted that he’d like to take me out. I said, we can try being friends (not that I need anymore and this was quite shitty behaviour on my part – my ego needed a boost – not my finest moment.  I should have just ignored him so I know!). But I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in him like that after a few conversations and again he blocked me. Last week he found me again (3 for 3!) and said he wanted to see me. I said nothing had changed. But he persisted. So I gave him my number (God, I am such a dickhead!). But I told him that I want stability, I want marriage and I want long term. I also told him that I know his religion is important to him and it would make things complicated for us. He said, he doesn’t “see race, creed or colour”. And he was like – I wouldn’t expect anything else. But I said let’s see how it goes. Cue this morning, he text me saying he met up with his ex last night and that they’re going to give it another go (which is great for them – honestly). But what fucked me off is the whole – she’s the same religion as me and that’s what I wanted. We wouldn’t have gone anywhere and it would have been a waste of time.

Er.. OK? So we’ve established that I am a complete and utter dickhead. Not only for giving him the time of day twice more than necessary. But because he thinks that this was acceptable behaviour?

And then I felt like that this is God’s way of humbling me. Because I think for a slight minute, I may have felt overly good about myself that here was a guy who actually wanted to be with me, who understood what I wanted, who is probably a nice guy (maybe) and well maybe it was my time.

2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

Special Day

I can’t believe a year has gone so quickly. This time last year we celebrated your birthday – the first of what I hoped was many to come. When my plans didn’t work out. But we still celebrated.

Today, we celebrate your birthday. You don’t really celebrate because let’s face it – you’re old. OK – fine! You’re older. But I celebrate it. With a little too much enthusiasm. Because without this day, you wouldn’t be in my life. I honestly don’t know what life has in store for us baba. I don’t know if I am strong enough to be with you. My heart and mind are so conflicted. Things have not been easy for us recently – I would be a fool to think they were. Maybe I am the saboteur. Maybe.

I love you. Of that there is no doubt. But sometimes love isn’t enough. We both know this.

Happy birthday my baba.

Lonely

The true definitely of lonely? Is having everyone you love around you and still there is nobody to talk to.

The AP is on fine form. Everyone is allowed to say their piece but me. Especially because of the history I have with AP. But how many times can you listen to them abusing  your siblings and your other parent?

Softie. Sensi (short for sensitive). Words that are used to describe me. And not in an endearing way. Yes I am those things. I can’t help it. I should be stronger. I shouldn’t let things get to me so easily. But that’s what makes me me. And maybe that version of me is not a good person to be. Maybe I should change. But at 30 years old – is it too late.

Self Diagnosis

This week has been bad. Baba and I are going through a very rocky period. We spent the weekend together and I said how I was fed up of having to financially support him all the time. I know he has his own shit to deal with but I was really struggling this month. I really dented his ego. And I don’t think he’ll ever be able to forget it. I have been so emotionally weak and I am disappointed with myself. Questioning my whole existence. It didn’t help that I was racially abused by some customers at work last night. They were drinking on the premises when they shouldn’t have been. And when I confronted them about it – got verbally abusive. One comment that sticks out is how they made a reference to my complexion. A quick search on the blog for “complexion” will quickly tell you how that is such a big deal for me. I let it get to me. I could not stop the tears. It was the release of the trauma of the whole week. Overworked, unloved, relationship troubles. I really just needed somebody to talk to. I haven’t opened up to anybody. I have nobody to open up to. My blog – the one thing that I had was taken away from me. My friends – busy with their own lives. I have no doubt that they would be there for me but I’m not giving them that chance – I am not going to be a burden for anybody. My siblings – I am not going to let them see how weak I am. I need to stay strong for them.

Baba – no. I am tired of all the arguing. The lack of trust on my part. I know he has given me no need for me to trust him but he gave me his FB password. And if he had anything to hide, he wouldn’t have given it to me. But I am a girl and I am insecure. If anything, I contributed a great deal to the downfall of this relationship. But that is here nor there. I haven’t said it out loud yet but I seriously think I am done. We are not good for each other. I am definitely not good for him. I have been caught up in the whole someone wanting to be with me despite what I look like. Despite what I am. Despite me being me. Everyone wants to be loved and I really thought I had that.

I Googled signs of depression earlier this week. That can’t be a good thing can it? I don’t think I’m depressed. I just needed somebody to talk to. I spoke to B briefly this morning. I miss her. But I finally admitted to everything. What has been going on. None of the usual “I’m fine” BS. And it is a relief. I feel so much better and having spoken to her.

I believe in God. I had a conversation with him last week. Why does he think that I am not good enough to be a wife to somebody or a mother to somebody? Why create me if there is no purpose to my life? And then the Hindu in me kicked in. That I must have done something so bad in a previous life that I deserve this.

I know that there are people out there that have problems and woes 100 times worse than mine. That I should be thankful for have what I have. But it is how I feel.

I can only hope and pray that this feeling of despair will get better.

9 Months and Counting

It has been 9 months since you told me. And about 7 since I last spoke to you. Things are supposed to get easier with time they say and they have – definitely. But lately I’ve been missing you. Not in a “love of my life kind of way”. But in a “you were my best friend” kind of way. Not being able to share what my latest favourite song is. Not being able to share how I feel about the death of the FBI’s most wanted. And it’s the littlest thing that trigger me off. Seeing the same car that you drive.
The fact that I am at such a different stage in my life than to that of my nearest and dearest friends.

I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this. But I can’t talk to anyone about it. None of them will understand. And it saddens me. Because despite the smile I put on to the outside world, inside I’m crumbling.