My Purpose

I have kind of been flitting in and out of online dating – it’s a means to an end but it is laborious and time consuming and I don’t put in the effort I should to reap the rewards that I want.

I recently started speaking to a guy – same background as me. A colourful past though – not someone who I would consider introducing to my parents – but you know bad things happen to good people – we cannot let our pasts define us.

The conversation flowed so easily – I didn’t think about his past at all – I don’t know why. We spoke so often and it seemed inevitable for us to meet. The evening before we were due to meet, he called me and we were chatting our inane nonsense before he told me had something to tell me. He told me that there was someone else as well. And he’d met her before me. So I told him , I would make things easy – I deleted everything and told him that we wouldn’t meet. I was sensible. And that my friends is where all sensibility stopped.

He called me later that night “as friends” – we spoke for over 4 hours. Just stupid things and we agreed that we would have a drink. Nothing had been set in stone with the other girl. So a harmless drink. But a harmless drink turned into dinner which ended up with me kissing him.

We have since seen other a few times, and each time we have had fun. We speak and message constantly. I was slightly optimistic (perhaps that’s where I went wrong). The parameters of what we were doing had not been defined. I think I was happy with that. We were just two people who enjoyed each other’s company.

And then yesterday happened. The other girl told her father that he was the one. It was inevitable. I kind of knew that this was the end goal and there would be nothing between us.

He called me this morning to explain the situation. She has basically sacrificed everything for him and I know this.

I told him , I had served Fate’s/God’s purpose for me in his life. I was there to distract him. And that there was nothing more that I could give. He disagreed. But I have made it clear, that I can’t be in his life. It wouldn’t be fair on anybody.

But it left me wondering – is my purpose to be a stopping gap for these men.

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How long as it been?!

Oh gosh, it has been so long. Nearly two months. A quick summary of my life:

Two trips to the USA. The first incorporating Whittier, CA (a sleepy “city” where the highlight of my trip was being the only non-Mexican in a Mexican supermarket – so much fun!), Portland, OR (which has firmly become my favourite city (a whole separate post when I get some time!)) and King of Prussia, PA (to visit our offices and where it rained the whole time I was there!). I think I ate a years worth of food in the two weeks I was away this time round.

The second trip was just 4 short days to KOP where the sun shined gloriously until today (when I am about to leave!).

In that time, I have had one date. I had been speaking with this guy for like a month before we met up. In fact, I thought he was super nice considering he made the effort to text me every day whilst I was away and not once did he ask me for a “picture”. We met up shortly after I got back from my first trip away and I thought that it went rather well (just goes to show how much I know!). A few days after though, I could feel that he wasn’t feeling me – you just know right. So I asked him what the deal was, we’d been getting on well, he’d even kissed me so I wasn’t hideous(!). But he said, that it’s probably best that we don’t “see” each other. I will be honest and say I was slightly disappointed (because personality wise – we got on) but hey – if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. Better to cut our ties early rather than late. I deleted all traces of him from my phone book and phone.

Other random news – I dropped my phone whilst I was out here in KOP and it now refuses to turn itself back on. AND I am pissed because I never backed up any of my photos.

I return back to London this evening, where I will need to do some “laundry”, pack and then I leave on Wednesday again for India. This time for pleasure as my friend has her destination wedding.

This is clearly a filler post – I’m sorry that I have to subject you to these random writings! 🙂

When Your Selfie is Fire*

*I believe that this is the term that all the cool kids use when they post a selfie that is on point! I had a date on Saturday night. So I made an effort and when I looked at myself in the mirror – I scrubbed up alright. I know make up makes big difference. Because I rarely look this good, I took a few selfies (as is the norm nowadays!) and one was particularly flattering. So I milked the ish out of it. I posted it as my WhatsApp display picture and guess who decided to message me… this guy! Low key I was super gassed because of how I felt here but at the same time I’d forgotten about him. Onwards and upwards! This post is merely just to show how true this meme is! (I’m all about meme life!)

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But on a side note – I will be off to the land of the free in just over two weeks and I am excited! 🙂

No More Tindering

I was regaling stories to B of the guy from this post. We were supposed to go out yesterday. He confirmed in the morning and then cancelled two hours later. I know something could have genuinely came up so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when I went and checked my Tinder, he wasn’t in my matches any more. So I assumed he unmatched me. I deleted his number out of my phone book and didn’t think he would message me again. Until he did late last night asking if I’d blocked him (because he could longer see my picture via whatsapp!) and accused me of being petty. I think he was jesting. I said no, I just deleted his number and I wasn’t looking for somebody to play games with. He then came out with this big amount of BS about waves and riding the surf with big waves and small waves and I was like “sure (WTF?!). So I just said, not to worry. He also then told me he thinks I am hot. To which I replied there is more to me than being hot! To which he replied that I am a feminist and that this wouldn’t work out. I had such high hopes for him.

So as I was regaling Tinder tales to B, I told her that whilst it was a great ego boost – maybe Tinder wasn’t for me. And her being the bestie that she is said “The problem is that you think you need these fuck boys to validate your worth and you don’t. You are beautiful and you will find someone who loves you for all you are and so much more”. She was right. So with that I deleted Tinder.

Tindering

I am still on Tinder. I mean, it gives the ego boost I need once in a while. No dick pics in a while but boys are quick to offer. I met a really nice guy. At least he came across as super nice. He asked me out on a date. And I said yes because he looked handsome enough and sounded normal enough after our phone conversation. But he keeps sending me mixed signals. Man. Why must these things be so hard?