2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

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Intermittent

My blogging has become so intermittent. I’m still reading all my regular blogs (thanks to Sarah and her blog roll!) but have hardly any time to comment or post myself!

The new job is keeping me busy and there is talk of travel to Australia – whether it materialises or not, the talk itself is enough to keep me motivated!

Baba is well. We are doing OK. Every day is hard. Purely because of the pressure I put on what I want out of this relationship. There have been times when I have questioned if I am with him because it’s better than being alone. I have read all the inspirational quotes about it being better to be alone but when we are together, it is so easy. Sometimes I think about if I just want to look after him. He is broken. I know I can’t fix him. But I want to look after him. Hold him and tell him that everything will be OK. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. I work so far from him now and seeing each other has decreased. I get tired. I can’t travel halfway across the city to see him. And the option of him coming to me is limited as I still live at home.

But that said – I am house/flat hunting! Property prices in London are CRAZY though! Partly because it is time to move out (but as an Asian girl who has been dedicated to her family all her life – this is so hard to think about!) but my family and I are getting on top of each other. What I used to appreciate as closeness is sometimes resentful. I don’t get the time to sulk after arguments. I am expected to be happy all the time. It’s hard. Sometimes, I want to sit in the living room and read my book. I just need some me time – ALONE. I know this sounds bratty. That isn’t my intention – you only have to read any of my family/sibling posts to know that I love them without a shadow of a doubt and wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them. But I want some space. To grow. To be able to enjoy my own company once in a while.

A Catch Up

This is going to be a very haphazard post. Believe me – there will be no flow to it. In fact, it’ll be lots of little snippets of what has been happening. I might just even bullet point it in chronological to form some sort of order.

  • I’m another year older. Oh my God this sucks. I didn’t want to celebrate too much this year and in a bid to introduce baba to my family, I invited a few friends over for lunch/dinner. Baba agreed and in the days leading up to it, I was overcome with nerves. My mother has spoken to him on Skype before so that wasn’t so bad – but he’s never spoken to my father. And we all know that fathers are the ones boys have to convince if they want to marry their daughter (not that I’m saying we will get married but “if” opens a whole world of possibilities! Thankfully he was the first to arrive with flowers for myself, my mum and my sister. And then my mum had to rush off. So once my other friends had all arrived, we sat and chilled. After food was served, my friends and I retreated to the living room. I thought baba would join us but instead he spent the next four hours talking and joking with my dad and my siblings (and my mother once she’d come back!). I would like to think it was a success, but you can never be too sure! I also received a very beautiful cake courtesy of baba. In fact he may have come out of this alright! 🙂
  • I hate my job. Seriously – the new job is not how I thought it would be. There’s not enough structure to the role and I really need that with a job. Especially a new one. I’m only 6 months in but I would like to apply for a new one.
  • The AP has cut down on their drinking. It’s been great *touch wood* – I don’t know how long it will last for but at this moment in time I am so content with it.
  • Baba – we have out ups and downs – we are a flawed couple. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me but sometimes I think our differences will be our downfall. I am scared of getting hurt. Scared that I have become this vulnerable. That he has this effect on me. We have been together for a while and I still get butterflies every time I talk to him and he is on my mind constantly – this can’t be good for either of us.
  • Random snippet of conversations:
  1. “You are so beautiful. I was looking at photos of us together – we are so hot together” – modesty at its best!
  2. “You will make a better man out of me – and for that I love you.” – causing my heart to burst with love.
  3. “I know I do stupid things – but I can’t lose you. Please don’t hurt me” – causing my heart to break.

Confused and unsure – not a good place to be in right now.

  • There was a Jodeci/Blackstreet/SWV concert on over the weekend. Many of my friends went but apparently Jodeci were so bad, they got booed off the stage (one of them may have even fallen off the stage!). I was working with a girl on the weekend who is 21 and I mentioned about the concert. Her response “Who’s that?”. She didn’t even know what Sweet Valley High was! This generation is a lost cause! To be fair, she didn’t know that Egypt was in Africa either and I shouldn’t judge but come on?!!!!
  • The weather in Britain is cold. I want the spring to start. I miss the sun. It’s getting everyone down – I really want to wear a nice skirt or a nice shirt that is not layered up with thick woolen tights or with jumpers masking it! I want to be pretty again!

And that sums up what has been happening (in a nut shell).

Happy birthday to me! 🙂

Weakness

Mine is my loved ones. I rarely stand up for myself anymore. Choosing to weather the storm rather than brave it. Choosing to let them have the last word. Choosing to be weak. Let their words and actions get to me. I don’t have the strength to fight back. I am weak. And I am sad that this is who I am. That is how people see me. That my heart breaks so easily.

Lonely

The true definitely of lonely? Is having everyone you love around you and still there is nobody to talk to.

The AP is on fine form. Everyone is allowed to say their piece but me. Especially because of the history I have with AP. But how many times can you listen to them abusing  your siblings and your other parent?

Softie. Sensi (short for sensitive). Words that are used to describe me. And not in an endearing way. Yes I am those things. I can’t help it. I should be stronger. I shouldn’t let things get to me so easily. But that’s what makes me me. And maybe that version of me is not a good person to be. Maybe I should change. But at 30 years old – is it too late.

Tears As They Fall

How can alcohol make someone such a cunt?!
I don’t care how you talk to me; whatever names you may call me – I’m used to it.
You have no right to talk to my brother like that. Disowned as your children again. It hurts me much more when I hear you talk to him like that. Sometimes I wonder what we must have done so wrong in a previous life to end up in this one. Hearing your baby brother cry himself to sleep is the worst thing thing in the world.

Importance

Is it important that someone you want to be with has more in common with you religiously/culturally? Or that that someone loves you, makes you feel as though you’re the most important thing in their life, will go out of their way to look after you?

I’ve always made such a big deal about the guy I end up with being Tamil. Just because of the language barrier but languages can be learnt right? People are supposed to get wiser as they get older! WTF happened to me?!

How Young

I don’t write about my sister much. In fact, I always group my siblings together and my brother gets mentioned more so than she does. The only reason is because he does more than she does.

My sister is a quiet soul. She’s calm and she doesn’t share too much. She’s a bit different to both me and my brother and would probably rather stay in as opposed to a night out (I’m the opposite most of the time).

My brother is in Canada at the moment with my dad. A holiday of convenience to get my dad out of the way so that we can redecorate our living room (and that saga will follow later!). It’s been tough – my sister and I definitely not cut out for manual labour! We’ve managed to strip the walls of wallpaper, get the plastering sorted (someone else did this!) and start painting.

Yesterday as me and my sister were painting, she opened up to me. I remember when she was 16, I found out she had a boyfriend. I went mad. Seriously. The role of the bigger sister has not shone as brightly as did that day. 16 is too young right? And he was 3 years older than her. It just wasn’t the done thing. I remember there were tantrums. My brother knew about it kinda. My parents were completely confused as to why none of us were talking to each other. I remember telling her that she I wouldn’t accept it. I remember her telling me that she’d always choose her family over him. And that she was sorry. There’d be nothing more about this “relationship”. He – a family friend who I’ve known just as long as my sister – someone whom to this day, I love dearly. So what was the problem? I really do believe she was too young.

Fast forward 8 years. They are still in each other’s lives. In fact – he is as much of our family as could be. But they have never pursued where they left off. Mainly because our family has so many issues with him. But now, my sister has grown up. Today is her 24th birthday. My beautiful baby sister. And whilst we were painting yesterday she spoke of how she feels about him. How he feels about her and what path she could take. The fact that we can share such things over such random activities brings smiles and tears – happy emotional tears.

And to me, that is what makes what we have special.

To my beautiful baby sister – Happy Birthday my fatty!

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