Sometimes….

There are things that make me smile and reaffirm my faith. A’s son is gorgeous. And as he sent me a picture of him – we both made the same comment. Even after all this time, I realise why he’s my friend! 🙂

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A Catch Up

This is going to be a very haphazard post. Believe me – there will be no flow to it. In fact, it’ll be lots of little snippets of what has been happening. I might just even bullet point it in chronological to form some sort of order.

  • I’m another year older. Oh my God this sucks. I didn’t want to celebrate too much this year and in a bid to introduce baba to my family, I invited a few friends over for lunch/dinner. Baba agreed and in the days leading up to it, I was overcome with nerves. My mother has spoken to him on Skype before so that wasn’t so bad – but he’s never spoken to my father. And we all know that fathers are the ones boys have to convince if they want to marry their daughter (not that I’m saying we will get married but “if” opens a whole world of possibilities! Thankfully he was the first to arrive with flowers for myself, my mum and my sister. And then my mum had to rush off. So once my other friends had all arrived, we sat and chilled. After food was served, my friends and I retreated to the living room. I thought baba would join us but instead he spent the next four hours talking and joking with my dad and my siblings (and my mother once she’d come back!). I would like to think it was a success, but you can never be too sure! I also received a very beautiful cake courtesy of baba. In fact he may have come out of this alright! 🙂
  • I hate my job. Seriously – the new job is not how I thought it would be. There’s not enough structure to the role and I really need that with a job. Especially a new one. I’m only 6 months in but I would like to apply for a new one.
  • The AP has cut down on their drinking. It’s been great *touch wood* – I don’t know how long it will last for but at this moment in time I am so content with it.
  • Baba – we have out ups and downs – we are a flawed couple. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me but sometimes I think our differences will be our downfall. I am scared of getting hurt. Scared that I have become this vulnerable. That he has this effect on me. We have been together for a while and I still get butterflies every time I talk to him and he is on my mind constantly – this can’t be good for either of us.
  • Random snippet of conversations:
  1. “You are so beautiful. I was looking at photos of us together – we are so hot together” – modesty at its best!
  2. “You will make a better man out of me – and for that I love you.” – causing my heart to burst with love.
  3. “I know I do stupid things – but I can’t lose you. Please don’t hurt me” – causing my heart to break.

Confused and unsure – not a good place to be in right now.

  • There was a Jodeci/Blackstreet/SWV concert on over the weekend. Many of my friends went but apparently Jodeci were so bad, they got booed off the stage (one of them may have even fallen off the stage!). I was working with a girl on the weekend who is 21 and I mentioned about the concert. Her response “Who’s that?”. She didn’t even know what Sweet Valley High was! This generation is a lost cause! To be fair, she didn’t know that Egypt was in Africa either and I shouldn’t judge but come on?!!!!
  • The weather in Britain is cold. I want the spring to start. I miss the sun. It’s getting everyone down – I really want to wear a nice skirt or a nice shirt that is not layered up with thick woolen tights or with jumpers masking it! I want to be pretty again!

And that sums up what has been happening (in a nut shell).

Happy birthday to me! 🙂

Birthday Celebrations

“So what are you doing for your birthday?” B asks me.

Nothing. I was just thinking dinner and drinks – nothing too fancy.

That is soooooooooo lame!

Yeah but I am really lazy.

Let me organise it.

Erm… But you’ve just had a baby.

Which means I have nothing else to do.

If you’re sure…..

Of course I am sure.

And that is how B ended up organising a superb birthday bash – a 1920s Hollywood Glamour themed birthday bash. But this isn’t so much about the bash.

Baba – so I’m going out for my birthday. Do you want to come?

Erm… I guess.

Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s just a few of my friends and family.

No, I’m going to have to meet them sometime right?

And that’s how Baba ended up coming.

No one apart from B actually knows that we’re in a relationship but I think that might have since changed. He arrived late (nothing unusual!) with a beautiful bunch of red roses, a ginormous birthday cake and some presents. He looked so handsome. And he’d made an effort as well by dressing up – I was so impressed.

I’d already warned him against PDAs (and we know how that worked out….). I introduced to my siblings first. I was so worried about this. My brother being the overprotective one that he is but Baba was the perfect gentleman. Showing the right amount of interest, being polite, offering to buy them drinks and just in general being the charmer that he is. After siblings, B’s turn. She’s a little giddy with excitement but I left them to it. It was great that I didn’t have to babysit him. That he was able to hold his own. I flitted about like the social butterfly that I am and I caught him watching me at certain moments. It was like it was just us there. I did end up dragging him to the bar after a while. Mainly so I was able to touch him. Hold his hand, stroke his face and a chance to give him a hug. We spent the rest of the night glued to each other. Obviously talking to and mingling but he didn’t leave my side. We had a few stolen kisses when (hopefully) nobody was looking.

I think it went well. My siblings seemed to like him. B seemed to like him. And I got two approval texts from two of my closest friends.

I am so smitten that I am now scared that I’ve let myself fall too deep too quickly.

Confession

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaack! With far too many pictures and a few blog posts to write. 


Today was supposed to be my first day back at work. But I went to see B yesterday and stayed the night and this morning she convinced me to call in sick. Which I did. I’ve never done that! I feel so guilty. The worse part though is lying to my family about how my day at work was! I even changed into my work outfit before I left B’s so that they wouldn’t suspect anything!


I’m going to hell!


However, she did ask me to be her baby’s Godmother so I can’t be all that bad.

Circles

“S and I are meeting B & A for brunch – come!” arrives the text from R.

And I am engulfed in loneliness.

It’s tough being single amongst couples.




*”Enough with the pity party” – this is what I keep telling myself!*

Acquaintances

I love my friends – B, A, R, RL, SS and all the other random initials you might have seen on here.

I went out on Friday night without them though. Because I know that when we are out, we stick together. We have our own jokes, our own terminology for things, our own little quirks and I am comfortable around them. Friday night was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Invited out for a birthday party of a boy I didn’t know by a girl who I’ve only recently met is not ideal – social butterfly or not!

But I went because as much as I love my friends, they are at different stages to me and trying to talk to them about how I feel makes me scared. Afraid that they’ll judge me. Thinking that I should have moved on by now.

I met a girl. Someone whom I’ve seen around at other parties. We share mutual friends and have said hello to each other more than once but we’ve never had an actual conversation. But Friday night, I was able to share my fears of loneliness, dating sites, marriage and the future because she is in the exact same boat as me. And it happened so easily. We spoke about our pasts and I mentioned the ex because even though it’s been a while, there is still some pain. My physical insecurities are so rarely voiced in public – in fact not at all. I don’t share with anyone how I feel about myself but with her I did. Not because I want her to become my lifelong friend. But because it felt good to be able to share that with someone who I don’t know. Someone who I don’t care if she’ll judge me or not.
I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that with the usual lot. Not because they wouldn’t support me but because they’d know me at my most vulnerable. And I’m not sure if I want them to see that side of me.

I’m not sure if I want anyone to see that side of me. The side that actually cares. The side that is so lonely that it’s sometimes in despair. The side that matters.

9 Months and Counting

It has been 9 months since you told me. And about 7 since I last spoke to you. Things are supposed to get easier with time they say and they have – definitely. But lately I’ve been missing you. Not in a “love of my life kind of way”. But in a “you were my best friend” kind of way. Not being able to share what my latest favourite song is. Not being able to share how I feel about the death of the FBI’s most wanted. And it’s the littlest thing that trigger me off. Seeing the same car that you drive.
The fact that I am at such a different stage in my life than to that of my nearest and dearest friends.

I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this. But I can’t talk to anyone about it. None of them will understand. And it saddens me. Because despite the smile I put on to the outside world, inside I’m crumbling.