My Own Worst Enemy

And because he was a patronising dick, I can’t seem to stop the urge to call him. I won’t – because I am stubborn as fuck but damn, how I want him to message me! 😦

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No More Tindering

I was regaling stories to B of the guy from this post. We were supposed to go out yesterday. He confirmed in the morning and then cancelled two hours later. I know something could have genuinely came up so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when I went and checked my Tinder, he wasn’t in my matches any more. So I assumed he unmatched me. I deleted his number out of my phone book and didn’t think he would message me again. Until he did late last night asking if I’d blocked him (because he could longer see my picture via whatsapp!) and accused me of being petty. I think he was jesting. I said no, I just deleted his number and I wasn’t looking for somebody to play games with. He then came out with this big amount of BS about waves and riding the surf with big waves and small waves and I was like “sure (WTF?!). So I just said, not to worry. He also then told me he thinks I am hot. To which I replied there is more to me than being hot! To which he replied that I am a feminist and that this wouldn’t work out. I had such high hopes for him.

So as I was regaling Tinder tales to B, I told her that whilst it was a great ego boost – maybe Tinder wasn’t for me. And her being the bestie that she is said “The problem is that you think you need these fuck boys to validate your worth and you don’t. You are beautiful and you will find someone who loves you for all you are and so much more”. She was right. So with that I deleted Tinder.

Tindering

Tinder is not for me I don’t think – actually maybe dating isn’t for me. I had had a few matches and I have actually had a little bit of chat with some of the men on there. But I fear the art of being a gentleman is being lost in the generations of today. So far I have been sent 5 pictures of d*cks, 1 video of a gentleman stroking his d*ck and some topless photos (these aren’t so bad!). I guess that is the generation of Snapchat. The fact that you can send a video/picture and know that it will disappear in 10 seconds.

Men are so quick to talk about sex though – I mean, I am no prude by any means but surely guys know that women are not that quick to talk about sex (purely I think because of the slut shaming that still goes on society – unfortunate I know!). Also, at least try and lull me into a false sense of security. Pretend that you somewhat have an interest in me other than just the fact that the thought of my lips satisfying you turns you on! Honestly, I have looked at my lips in a different light since joining Tinder. My photos are all of me fully clothed with bright eyes and big smiles. But men don’t see this!

You can only communicate with someone on Tinder if they have matched you as well. So last week, I matched someone and he started talking to me. I was like OK – I’m bored at work, let me entertain myself. He was keen to meet and I was going out that evening in the city centre. So I thought let me kill two birds with one stone – this way, I only have to make the effort once! I agreed to meet him at a tube station before I met my friends. We didn’t exchange numbers. So imagine my surprise when I went to message him to tell him that I was running late that he had unmatched me!! So was I supposed to still meet him? He made such an effort to get me to agree so I don’t understand the point of this. I don’t even know what he looked like – that’s how bad it was! I walked past the station we were supposed to meet to realise that there are three exits! I can’t make this shit up. I literally just walked past and hoped that there wasn’t anybody waiting for me!

I think Tinder has done what I needed it to though, which is give my ego a boost – which it was in desperate need of! 🙂

 

Away from Reality

I will be on travels from tomorrow – 4 weeks of being away from reality. He called me yesterday (number withheld). I answered because I didn’t know who it was. He blew me kisses down the phone. I told him “Don’t do this. Don’t you have anything better to do?” And every time I said to him don’t do this he blew me a kiss. I should have hung up as soon as I realised it was him. I’m not sure why I didn’t. I made the mistake of asking him – “what’s wrong?” to which he replied “I miss you too much and I will always love you regardless”. And at that point I hung up.

It threw me. Why would he do that? He’s engaged to be married. He betrayed me. He lied to me. That is not love. I know this. But it took me a while to get back to my train of thought – “What a dick!”

It nearly took my recovery back a few steps but not to worry – I am worth so much more than what he deserves.

WTF?!

Is he mental? I think he might be. He called me repeatedly on Friday – whilst I was out having fun! And has now just sent me a Skype request?! I have no idea what is going through the fucker’s mind but seriously how fucked up is that?

(Apologies for the language – I rarely swear but he brings out this side of me that is not good!)

Emotions

Shame. Disbelief. Anger. Tearful. Disgust. Pride. Just a few of the emotions that I am feeling today.

No doubt you will have seen or heard about the riots taking place in London.

I was supposed to work last night in north west London but they called me to cancel my shift because they were closing down stores as a precaution.

I spent the next three hours glued to my TV and reading Facebook status updates and twitter.

There are two main implications as to why these riots have started:

i) Off of the back of the police shooting of Mark Duggan

ii) The cuts imposed by the government leading to a lack of facilities for these youths.

Shame – I am ashamed to think that those rioting are fellow Londoners. I am a Londoner – born and bred. I am very proud of my city. I am very proud of the fact that so many different cultures can live together so closely with little animosity. I am proud that it is a city that despite the hardships we face, its people get up and continue with their livelihoods. But these mindless yobs are a disgrace to everything that London stands for.

Disbelief – How is it that these Neanderthals think that this is acceptable behaviour? They’re not doing this to avenge the death of Mark Duggan – the majority of them won’t even know who he is. If anything, his death is in vain if these are the consequences. The pictures and scenes of violence leave me open mouthed. There is no need for this kind of behaviour. Disbelief because I have heard people criticise the Metropolitan Police and the London Fire brigade. Are you fucking kidding me?! They put their lives at risk over the last few days (and I’m not sure it’s over yet!). The riots were all over London. The police and the fire brigade did their very best to respond to all calls I’m sure but we has a city have to be that little bit understanding.

I refuse to believe that there is a social class aspect to this. I am of working class. I grew up in a poor borough of London but I know how to behave. I regularly went without but to this day, I wouldn’t steal anything to get what I want. If you want something, you should work for it.

I also refuse to believe that this is because of a lack of respect towards young people. We were all young once. I know young people and I can safely say that I have never been inclined to behave like this. The young people I know do not behave like this. If you behave like you demonstrated last night you will not get any respect off of me. You reap what you sow and your actions last night will have led to the worst karma you can possibly receive.

Anger – I am angry. How the fuck is it that we stood by and let this happen? If every law abiding citizen in their town took to the streets and threw the missiles back at these louts, maybe they’d see sense. I’m angry at the response by the British Government. In my organisation of 24000, I am not allowed to take annual leave at the same time as my counterparts. So how can the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minister, the Mayor of London and pretty much all those who run our country go on holiday at the same time?! What took Mr Cameron so long to return? As soon as there were burning buildings in London – someone should have shown some leadership and given the city some guidance. I’m angry that the police are not allowed to beat the shit out of these fuckwits.

Tearful – There were riots in Lewisham & Croydon yesterday. Places very close to my heart for a variety of reasons. It saddens me deeply to see not just these places but London in flames. It’s made me teary to see the innocent shops and livelihoods lost due to sheer yob culture and mob mentality. It saddens me that if this is how some of the youth behave today, what hope is there for the future of this country?

Disgust – How are they capable of the mindset that burning buildings is the way forward? What can they possibly achieve from that? You’re shitting in your own front yards you fucking idiots!

I am disgusted by the parents of these fuckers. Were you just sitting at home watching them create this havoc? How can you be proud of this kind of behaviour? If your kid wasn’t at home after 10:00 last night – find out where they were and do the right thing. If they were even a smidgen involved – take the appropriate actions. I don’t see why you would protect fuckers with that kind of mentality. Give parents more powers to discipline their kids. We are close to becoming that much more of a nanny state. When I was younger, if I was doing something wrong, my parents had a look. Just being given the look was enough for me to stop what I was doing, apologise and go to my room. Because I knew the consequences if I didn’t!

The parents of these fuckers should also be made an example of of. They haven’t raised children, they’ve raised savages.

Pride – I am proud of the camaraderie of Londoners. I am proud that we get up and we go about our daily business. I am proud that the behaviour shown by those last night is not representative of a whole generation. I am proud that Londoners are coming together to start the long cleanup process. I am proud that we are not and will not bow down to this thuggish behaviour by these ignorant fuckers. I refuse to call them young people – they are an embarrassment to them.

They say that society has failed them. That the police have failed them – the targets of unnecessary stop and searches. That schools fail them. That the government have failed them. But that’s bollocks. Their parents failed them. But with these actions, they’ve failed themselves more than any other aspect could have.