The Date is Set

July 15th.

I thought I would be more upset than I am. I have written so many memos to myself of how I am/have been feeling at any given time during this “relationship”. And yet I have known now for a week and I still haven’t written anything.

I am genuinely happy for you. Well not happy that you are committing to something that you say don’t really want. But happy that you are doing the right thing (in some way I guess) by her, by your family and by your loved ones.

I have told you previously that as soon as you get married, I would leave. You told me right at the beginning that this would stop but you have changed the narrative. But I can’t be that person. At the same time, I know you are my best friend. I can’t imagine not telling you my inane nonsense. Or listening to your drunken ramblings.

I would like to believe that we are completely honest with each other and I think that is why this has gone so well. Because I have nothing to hide from you.

We meet on a night out – we knew we were going but you with your friends and I with mine. We share a drink at the bar and a cheeky kiss as I pass you on my way to the dancefloor. But I meet a guy (I’m drunk and my inhibitions are lapse to say the least!). I give him my number and we have been speaking for the last 2 weeks. Every day. I tell you – partly because I want you to know but mainly because I want to make you jealous (petty games I know). I don’t think it works. Your voice doesn’t waver, you don’t really pay no mind. And I am slightly gutted. But he is nice. He makes me laugh to the point where I am wheezing! And I think he could be good for me.

I see you yesterday and we share a drink – you considerably more than me and I can see you are tipsy. You ask me about the other guy. You tell me that you are jealous that he is getting so much of my time – that he gets to enjoy my company. I ask if you want me to keep talking to you about him – about how things progress with him and you say yes. I don’t understand. Glutton for punishment? Ego trip? I don’t know.

All I know if I enjoy your company. We get on. And we’re friends. Maybe it going to be me that will pull the plug. Who the hell knows?! :/

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Tindering

Tinder is not for me I don’t think – actually maybe dating isn’t for me. I had had a few matches and I have actually had a little bit of chat with some of the men on there. But I fear the art of being a gentleman is being lost in the generations of today. So far I have been sent 5 pictures of d*cks, 1 video of a gentleman stroking his d*ck and some topless photos (these aren’t so bad!). I guess that is the generation of Snapchat. The fact that you can send a video/picture and know that it will disappear in 10 seconds.

Men are so quick to talk about sex though – I mean, I am no prude by any means but surely guys know that women are not that quick to talk about sex (purely I think because of the slut shaming that still goes on society – unfortunate I know!). Also, at least try and lull me into a false sense of security. Pretend that you somewhat have an interest in me other than just the fact that the thought of my lips satisfying you turns you on! Honestly, I have looked at my lips in a different light since joining Tinder. My photos are all of me fully clothed with bright eyes and big smiles. But men don’t see this!

You can only communicate with someone on Tinder if they have matched you as well. So last week, I matched someone and he started talking to me. I was like OK – I’m bored at work, let me entertain myself. He was keen to meet and I was going out that evening in the city centre. So I thought let me kill two birds with one stone – this way, I only have to make the effort once! I agreed to meet him at a tube station before I met my friends. We didn’t exchange numbers. So imagine my surprise when I went to message him to tell him that I was running late that he had unmatched me!! So was I supposed to still meet him? He made such an effort to get me to agree so I don’t understand the point of this. I don’t even know what he looked like – that’s how bad it was! I walked past the station we were supposed to meet to realise that there are three exits! I can’t make this shit up. I literally just walked past and hoped that there wasn’t anybody waiting for me!

I think Tinder has done what I needed it to though, which is give my ego a boost – which it was in desperate need of! ūüôā

 

Away from Reality

I will be on travels from tomorrow – 4 weeks of being away from reality. He called me yesterday (number withheld). I answered because I didn’t know who it was. He blew me kisses down the phone. I told him “Don’t do this. Don’t you have anything better to do?” And every time I said to him don’t do this he blew me a kiss. I should have hung up as soon as I realised it was him. I’m not sure why I didn’t. I made the mistake of asking him – “what’s wrong?” to which he replied “I miss you too much and I will always love you regardless”. And at that point I hung up.

It threw me. Why would he do that? He’s engaged to be married. He betrayed me. He lied to me. That is not love. I know this. But it took me a while to get back to my train of thought – “What a dick!”

It nearly took my recovery back a few steps but not to worry – I am worth so much more than what he deserves.

Boys

Baba and I went to 2 weddings over the weekend for people that he knows. We hadn’t seen each other all week. I really think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Highlight was him making sure all my pieces of lamb were off the bone as he put it onto my plate. The simplest gesture with massive amounts of love.

On another note, S text me yesterday. I am used to the Happy New Year/Merry Christmas texts – I haven’t ever once responded to any of them. And I always assumed them to be generic – sent to everybody in his phone book. But this one, this one was different. “Hello stubborn female”. Really? What does he expect? For me to text back and forgive him? Let him back into my life.

I won’t respond but I hate when he does things like this. Throws me off my path in life.

The Wrong Signature

Yesterday as I typed my (LONG) surname into an email, the spellcheck highlighted it. Now this is not strange as there are so many letters in it so sometimes I mistype them. As I checked, I coudl see that I typed it right so why hadn’t it been picked up by my aceepted words that are in the dictionary?

 

As I checked my email signature, I saw that I had typed my name in incorrectly the first time and this is what I had been sending out all this time.

#sadtimes when you can’t even spell your own surname.

A Catch Up

This is going to be a very haphazard post. Believe me – there will be no flow to it. In fact, it’ll be lots of little snippets of what has been happening. I might just even bullet point it in chronological to form some sort of order.

  • I’m another year older. Oh my God this sucks. I didn’t want to celebrate too much this year and in a bid to introduce baba to my family, I invited a few friends over for lunch/dinner. Baba agreed and in the days leading up to it, I was overcome with nerves. My mother has spoken to him on Skype before so that wasn’t so bad – but he’s never spoken to my father. And we all know that fathers are the ones boys have to convince if they want to marry their daughter (not that I’m saying we will get married but “if” opens a whole world of possibilities! Thankfully he was the first to arrive with flowers for myself, my mum and my sister. And then my mum had to rush off. So once my other¬†friends¬†had all arrived, we sat and chilled. After food was served, my friends and I retreated to the¬†living¬†room. I thought baba would join us but instead he spent the next four hours talking and joking with my dad and my siblings (and my mother once she’d come back!). I would like to think it was a success, but you can never be too sure! I also received a very beautiful cake courtesy of baba. In fact he may have come out of this alright! ūüôā
  • I hate my job. Seriously – the new job is not how I thought it would be. There’s not enough structure to the role and I really need that with a job. Especially a new one. I’m only 6 months in but I would like to apply for a new one.
  • The AP has cut down on their drinking. It’s been great *touch wood* – I don’t know how long it will last for but at this moment in time I am so content with it.
  • Baba – we have out ups and downs – we are a flawed couple. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me but sometimes I think our differences will be our downfall. I am scared of getting hurt. Scared that I have become this vulnerable. That he has this effect on me. We have been together for a while and I still get butterflies every time I talk to him and he is on my mind constantly – this can’t be good for either of us.
  • Random snippet of conversations:
  1. “You are so beautiful. I was looking at photos of us together – we are so hot together” – modesty at its best!
  2. “You will make a better man out of me – and for that I love you.” – causing my heart to¬†burst¬†with love.
  3. “I know I do stupid things – but I can’t lose you. Please don’t hurt me” – causing my heart to break.

Confused and unsure – not a good place to be in right now.

  • There was a Jodeci/Blackstreet/SWV concert on over the weekend. Many of my friends went but apparently Jodeci were so bad, they got booed off the stage (one of them may have even fallen off the stage!). I was working with a girl on the weekend who is 21 and I mentioned about the concert. Her response “Who’s that?”. She didn’t even know what Sweet Valley High was! This generation is a lost cause! To be fair, she didn’t know that Egypt was in Africa either and I shouldn’t judge but come on?!!!!
  • The weather in Britain is cold. I want the spring to start. I miss the sun. It’s getting everyone down – I really want to wear a nice skirt or a nice shirt that is not layered up with thick woolen tights or with jumpers masking it! I want to be pretty again!

And that sums up what has been happening (in a nut shell).

Happy birthday to me! ūüôā

Sleep When You Should Be

Baba is a night owl. When we first starting dating, we did the whole late night phone calls and texts. As our relationship has progressed, this has obviously toned down (awww I miss the joys of the honeymoon period). However, Baba’s night owl traits continue. Regularly, I will wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning and see missed calls/text messages at completely un-Godly hours of the early morning.

Sometimes, I will get a text saying “love you” which always makes my heart swell. And most often than not, in a sleep induced state and with only one eye open, I will text back – “love you too”. This is the way we are.

But the other night, I awoke in the middle of the night and sent a text “kiss. x” to Baba. Or well it looked like Baba in my¬†induced state and with only one eye open. And I realised as soon as I pressed the send button that it wasn’t Baba but a male¬†acquaintance. I was mortified. Quickly sent him another text to apologise (he must have loved me texting him at 2:00am!) and then sent the kiss text to Baba.

Moral of the story – sleep when you should be. Don’t text.

Chivalry

A young boy gave his seat up for me on the train yesterday. I am not sure if I should be flattered or distraught. Flattered because I’m a female and he was being chivalrous (also he was getting off at the stop after which I’d got on) or¬†distraught¬†because¬†he thought I was too old or too¬†pregnant¬†to stand!

Let’s go with the flattered. Makes me feel better!

50 Shades Over

I’ve finished all three books. And I can only say one thing – For the love of all things humane, please don’t do it.

*few spoilers ahead*

The “plot” (and I use that term very loosely), is central around a young, just graduated girl (Anastasia) who by fate meets this drop dead, mega rich and mega kinky but with a whole load of issues guy (Christian). Christian is into S&M. In fact, he extremely into S&M and he has a penchant for girls who look like Ana (brunette, petite, slim) because they look like his “crack whore” mother who died when he was a child (he is adopted in the “plot” by Angel-like people). He doesn’t do relationships – he does contracts with his submissives. And he tries to rope Ana into signing a contract to be his sub. Ana (the celestial Virgin) runs for the hills at the end of the first book (once she’s had her way with him a few times) because she needs love and affection (as what any girl wants from a relationship).

The second book sees them back together – Christian does not see Ana as a sub. He has greater feelings for her. He loves her. He agrees to try to have a relationship with her and suppress his love for S&M and she in turn agrees to tolerate the easy side of S&M for him. The rest of the book is scenes of fevour love making, a lil’ bit of kinky sex, and¬†their undeniable love for each other. It ends with someone trying to kill Christian (and failing).

The third and final book sees them married (she’s 21 people!!!) and get pregnant (dampener for Christian who just wants to shag his wife for a few years) and face a few more attempts on his life and even Ana’s. And so it goes on. And there’s a happy ever after.

What’s wrong with this book?! Well WTF is right with it?! It is poorly written (says she who writes a blog in 1st/3rd person whenever it suits her!). There are mistakes in the editing. The prose is crap and it’s repetitive. I have read erotic literature and the scenes in these books were the same over and over again. I have never seen the word “carnal” used so many times in my life. It is not erotic literature (unless my mind is far in the gutter that I didn’t find it erotic!). It’s so bad, it’s cringe worthy.

So why is it so popular? Because it is a love story. An intense love story of two people who love each other unconditionally. Because the love that Christian has for Ana is what every woman craves – to be looked after, to be pampered, to feel safe that someone loves us as much as he does. I think that is why women love the book¬†– the sex side of things¬†in the book do not make it worthwhile reading. That’s¬†just something the media has got carried away with.

In conclusion? Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.