Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

The Guy and me are done. It was easier than I thought it would be. Helped by the fact The Boy was in the picture. Has been since that eventful night when I met him back in May.

The Guy – An Update: Following your civil ceremony, I didn’t see you. I haven’t seen you. We speak on the phone – infrequently – The Boy taking up all my time. You ask to see me and I keep making excuses. When we do talk, you mention that you miss me but I can’t say I feel the same. I know the date for the Hindu ceremony is set. And I am happy for you. Between May and now, we have seen each other on a night out – except I am with The Boy – that is the one brief time.

You call one evening – drunk(!). And you tell me that I don’t have time for you any more. And that you’ve slept with someone else. And it doesn’t hurt me. I am not upset but disappointed. I can’t criticize because that will make me a hypocrite. But I don’t know if you tell me to make me feel some kind of way!

It is scary how easy it was for me to stop contact with you – if you read any of my previous posts, I thought I was in Love! We arrange to meet up – I wanted to wish you well. But then you text me in the day to tell me you can’t. Later that day, I have a car accident. Nothing major – I am safe and cosmetic damage to the car. You call me around midnight to tell me you went to dinner with the girl you slept with. And that is it for me. I know you didn’t know I had an accident but the fact that you blew me off for someone who is random (as far as I am concerned) is enough for me to cut all ties. You tell me that I wouldn’t have seen you – we had made plans so why wouldn’t I have? I tell you our friendship is over. I had tried to call you but you didn’t answer. I make it clear that we can never be friends because I can never call you in a time of need because I know that you might not be able to answer. You won’t be able to explain to whomever you’re with who I am. And what kinda friendship is that?

And with that I am done. I unfollow you on all social media. I don’t answer your calls. I don’t reply to messages. And you soon get the hint. I see pictures on Instagram from the Hindu ceremony and you look happy. She looks happy. And whilst I know that morally what I did wasn’t correct, I don’t regret it.

The Boy – An Intro: We meet on a night out. We share a taxi home and in my drunken state I give you my number. You call me as soon as the taxi drops me off outside my front door. We are on the phone until I think I pass out (I think – my phone battery dead when I check it in the morning!). You’re younger than me. Recently separated and with alcohol dependency issues. I should have run a fucking marathon away from you! But there is something about you that keeps me around. You make me smile. Friends we say. But I don’t understand how people can be just friends with someone they talk to morning, noon and night. Clearly I am going to develop feelings for you. And slowly our “friendship” evolves. You end up in hospital about a month into our friendship – and I am there for the duration – 4 days and 4 nights by your side – only going to your parent’s house to have a shower. You have met my family. My siblings, my parents and some of my closest friends. Introducing you as my friend. I am honest with you about everything – The Guy, Baba, S – the exes of my past. You tell me that you can’t commit to me (yet) and that we take things as they come. I am OK with this. But inevitably I am not seeing anyone else, I don’t want anyone else and it is clear that I am committed to you. But I accept the label of…. well whatever “this” is. But I make it clear that I can’t continue past December. I can’t wait for something that might never come.

But I am silly – yesterday I looked through your phone. I have trust issues. I am needy and in basic words, I am downright crazy – my past relationships have made me feel a type of way that I shouldn’t. I had some doubts about you and a friend of yours. You always confirmed that nothing had happened. But there are videos and pictures of her that suggest otherwise.

I tell you that I have seen them and you carry on denying it. But I have seen them. And you begin to make me doubt myself. I tell you that I am done. You tell me you love me. That you have fallen in love with me. But I don’t believe you. Besides, even if I did – I can’t be with someone who lies. I have been in that position before and it broke me.

I didn’t realise that I would be this upset. Yesterday when I saw your phone I was just relieved that I hadn’t been imagining things. But today I haven’t stopped crying. I thought it might be different. But it is the same cycle. Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

 

Advertisements

The Date is Set

July 15th.

I thought I would be more upset than I am. I have written so many memos to myself of how I am/have been feeling at any given time during this “relationship”. And yet I have known now for a week and I still haven’t written anything.

I am genuinely happy for you. Well not happy that you are committing to something that you say don’t really want. But happy that you are doing the right thing (in some way I guess) by her, by your family and by your loved ones.

I have told you previously that as soon as you get married, I would leave. You told me right at the beginning that this would stop but you have changed the narrative. But I can’t be that person. At the same time, I know you are my best friend. I can’t imagine not telling you my inane nonsense. Or listening to your drunken ramblings.

I would like to believe that we are completely honest with each other and I think that is why this has gone so well. Because I have nothing to hide from you.

We meet on a night out – we knew we were going but you with your friends and I with mine. We share a drink at the bar and a cheeky kiss as I pass you on my way to the dancefloor. But I meet a guy (I’m drunk and my inhibitions are lapse to say the least!). I give him my number and we have been speaking for the last 2 weeks. Every day. I tell you – partly because I want you to know but mainly because I want to make you jealous (petty games I know). I don’t think it works. Your voice doesn’t waver, you don’t really pay no mind. And I am slightly gutted. But he is nice. He makes me laugh to the point where I am wheezing! And I think he could be good for me.

I see you yesterday and we share a drink – you considerably more than me and I can see you are tipsy. You ask me about the other guy. You tell me that you are jealous that he is getting so much of my time – that he gets to enjoy my company. I ask if you want me to keep talking to you about him – about how things progress with him and you say yes. I don’t understand. Glutton for punishment? Ego trip? I don’t know.

All I know if I enjoy your company. We get on. And we’re friends. Maybe it going to be me that will pull the plug. Who the hell knows?! :/

5 months and counting

I don’t know what I am doing really. I have been consistently writing memos to myself. I read them back to myself – and out of 30 – 2 are maybe “sad” – the others all the happy moments.

The guy and me did this thing in the beginning – “Are you happy?” we would ask each other – giving us the opportunity to be honest with each other. And we used to ask each other this pretty much every week. And my answer has always been yes – his too! Cue about 4 weeks ago, he raised the point that we hadn’t asked each other in a while (maybe a month) and I knew why – because I was genuinely happy – it never crossed my mind that I should ask. I told him as such and I told him that he hadn’t asked either and he said the same. We have been genuinely happy – the situation is so shitty. But when we spend time together, when we talk to each other – we are happy.

He has become more familiar now – conversations are littered with “baby” and that in itself is enough to melt my heart – I am trying to not get attached. I mean, I am attached but I know what the outcome is.

I started writing this in February – and I never got around to publishing it. It is now almost mid March and nothing has really changed.

Our conversations are very candid. We are honest with each other and that is a breath of fresh air to me.

I wish things could be so different.

The Same Mistake

Why do I keep making the same mistake or taking the same decisions and expecting different results?

I am my own worst enemy. Remember the guy (because I can hardly call him the boy!)? He asked to see me shortly after the drama that ensued when she told her father about him. We went from talking every day for at least 12 hours of the day – to 30 mins of rushed catch up. Of course that was hard – but I told myself, you can do this. He wasn’t mine to begin with. I didn’t want to agree but of course my heart overruled my head. He got in my car and sat down in the passenger seat. I curled up cross legged in the driver seat facing him. It took all of my will power to not reach out and caress his face, touch his hand or have some form of physical contact. He looked tired.I told him as such “You look shit!”. He laughed – “I knew you’d be honest with me. How are you?”.

Oh the numerous ways that I could answer that. Was it ironic that I am so honest with him and in that moment I couldn’t be? I deflected and asked him “Don’t worry about me – how are you doing?” He took my hand up to his cheek – “I missed you. I didn’t know this was going to happen so quickly”

“But we knew it was going to happen and at least it has now – better for you.”

I leaned over to get my handbag from the back seat and he kissed me – it was unexpected. There was something so different about it. A sense of urgency. I should have pulled away – but heart on sleeve wearer – I know where my emotions lie and I couldn’t pull away. I didn’t know if this was my last time feeling his touch. So I let him. I let him kiss me, and when he hugged me tight – I held on just as hard.

That was nearly 7 weeks ago. And since then I haven’t given him up. We are so similar in so many ways – and we have so much in common – it is uncanny! Our outlook on life, our music tastes, our sense of humour – just – it all seems to click.

We have had some intense conversations – Does he wish he’d met me before her? A question I shouldn’t ask but I do – because I am tipsy and loved up and my emotions are not in check. “Yes” and so I berate him for telling me what I want to hear.

Our schedules mean we don’t see each other for a week. And the following I am away – in a country where the time zone is not convenient. When he calls, our conversation is cut short most often than not as I am on holiday with family. He texts me telling he can’t wait until I am back – missing out conversations. In all honesty, I agree with him – our conversations are the best – they are filled with so much randomness and rubbish. Silences are not common and if they are they are certainly not uncomfortable.

I see him the day I return home. And as we are there in each other’s company – he tells me something has changed. I ask him what? But he doesn’t elaborate. I can tell he missed me. And I can see in the way he looks at me (but I am crap at reading people – S and Baba clearly are testament to that!) that he cares for me. We have an amazing time together. I profess my love for him and he does the same. Later on, I realise the change he implied – it wasn’t lust any more. I don’t think it ever had been just lust. But now we’re fucked. Because he missed me more than he should have done. He missed my conversation. He missed me. And it works both ways. I  missed him. I missed his conversation – but I have been missing his conversation since the drama unfolded. I have got used to it. But I never told him so.

Why are we like this? Because I know she has left her family for him. So we’re both shits basically.

It has become so bad, that I writing memos to myself. Because I don’t want to blog about it yet but I want to document how I am feeling. I want to remember everything. How I feel at this particular moment in time.

We said we would stop. I told him it would have to be him that pulls the plug – but the other day he changed the narrative – what if he doesn’t? And I said I don’t know.

The Positivity in Break Ups

That point when you can start flirting with people and you know that whatever happened was because that was what the world intended.

My colleague is on Tinder. Now I know that Tinder is renowned for being a hook up site but she wanted someone to talk to about her antics and a comrade in arms as such. So she forced me to join. I didn’t have anything to lose. I mean, I had tried to join a few times in the past, but literally deleted the app after a day each time. But this time my run has lasted a week.

I am not sure how I feel about Tinder. It’s a great distraction app – bored? Just log in and swipe (mostly left in my case!). The few occasions I have swiped right, I have been surprised to see that it is a mutual swipe (especially the young ones!) – I mean the text messages that I received from Baba’s new wife would lead you to believe that I am hideous. And there were instances where I believed I might have been!

However, the guys don’t seem to want to message first. I know that in the 21st Century that it shouldn’t be expected and I don’t but my colleague swears by The Rules so I thought let’s give it a go. To be fair, I am taking this all with a pinch of salt. I don’t know if I am ready for dating or anything. But I am definitely happy flirting and being found attractive.

In Baba news – my number has changed and I don’t receive calls from anybody associated with that aspect of my life. It is a relief. Prior to it changing, I received a call from him – and I spoke with him at length. He sounded unhappy. And I asked him why? There were no answers. I don’t think there ever will be. But I think the closure is that I have accepted that this was all him. I could not have loved him harder or better in all of my capacity.

Even Jeremy Kyle Wouldn’t Believe It!

Since my last post, I have been to Moscow, Russia – did I mention how truly blessed I am to have a job that I enjoy and gives me the opportunity to see places in the world that I might not have otherwise? If I haven’t – please let me be thankful for that.

I wasn’t looking forward to spending time alone with my thoughts. I know what I am like when I am alone. I know that I will over think things. But then something happened just before I went away. This situation is so effed up that even The Jeremy Kyle Show would be slightly surprised (maybe?).

My ex’s child bride called me. She had seen a text in his phone from me (For someone who is so good at erasing text messages and call logs I’m thoroughly surprised!). She accused me of harassing her husband! Once I had got over this indignation, I politely asked her to discuss with her husband who is harassing who. And I asked her that if she is having marital problems, she should leave me out of it. I then blocked her number. And then the ex called me. From Bangladesh. Asking why I had called his wife – where does he think I would have got her number from?! I said to him “Your lies are going to kill you”. Promptly hung up and blocked that number as well. And at that moment, I felt like a weight had lifted. Only a few moments before all this had happened, I had made the decision that I would not speak to the other woman. Because as I said previously, I was speaking to her in a bid to keep the ex close. But I didn’t want that. A realisation that I had come to all by myself (this was progress!).

I then went to Russia and had an amazing time and did not think of this situation at all.

It has been two weeks since this happened. I have gone to sleep every night with a light head and a clean heart. I am in a good place. I am not hideous looking – confirmed by more than one young man who I have smiled at (and/or kissed!). I have told my sister what happened (in short) and I have started to tell close friends – and not once did I break down in tears or did my voice break.

I know that I was too good for him. I mean, I thought our differences made us compatible. But he wouldn’t have fitted in my lifestyle. I know hindsight is a great thing – I do. I know now I needed this lesson. I needed this to guide me away from my naivety that everyone is kind and that things are not what they seem on the surface – that I need to scratch that little bit more. That being said, I also know that I can’t stop wearing my heart on my sleeve just because of this. I know that my feelings for him were pure. That if anything he has cheated himself out of what would have been innocent and pure love. It is his loss.

I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt. Of course, in love, there is no greater hurt than betrayal (at least that’s what I think) and that hurts. Makes Made me feel worthless. But I know I am worth so much more to others. Worth so much more to myself.

I remember saying last time my heart was broken – never underestimate the kindness of strangers. To those that have commented – your words have been so comforting and I am so thankful that not only do I have a blog to pour out my emotions but that I have people who read and take the time to comment. Thank you so much.

As begins this new chapter in my life, here is my new policy – smile at everyone, flirt with everyone and whatever is meant to be will be.

Today is a shitty day

You would have thought 4 weeks away would have been good for me. But 3 weeks having to pretend to my family that I was OK took its toll.

He called me whilst I was away – several times. Telling me loves me, misses me. I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.

Today I keep think about how could he do that to me? How can you hurt someone you love so bad? Was it my fault? Am I to blame? Why wasn’t I good enough? And I know none of the responsibility of his cheating is on me. But how can he seem to get away with it.

The lady that he cheated on me with (one of many) messages me. I don’t know if I reply so that through her I can still keep him close. I don’t want to know what is happening with him, but at the same time I do. She still sees him, talks to him and has him in her life daily. I cannot comprehend their relationship (she has a partner!). Out of the women that I know he has cheated on me with, it seems I am the only one with morals. Reading of quotes does not help me. I am constantly sad. I want this to go away. I want to feel loved – like I am good enough for love.

I wish I could explain to somebody how my heart aches. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about this.

I have tried so hard not to cry. But I need to. However, the tears are not enough. I do not know how to exorcise myself of him. Of the relationship. Of the good memories I have. I have deleted everything. But I miss him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I miss the moments that might have been genuine.

My biggest strength is my biggest weakness

Kindness. I have too much of it. I am not blowing my own trumpet. But I forgave him the first time. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told myself that I loved him and I could get through this. And yet the wanker goes and does it again (and multiple times I am sure! – Ewwww!).
And again, I found out from the horse’s mouth (per se). When I am ready – I will tell you the whole story. In fact, you couldn’t make this shit up! But I am not ready just yet.

The last few days have not been easy – so many things have not made sense but then so many things do. I was in love with a narcissist. Money and power so much more important that love and compassion. He’s married to a child bride. (well she isn’t a child bride – I don’t want him arrested! but she is very young)
I have known that I haven’t been in love with him for a while. I love him – don’t get me wrong but I am not in love with him. We finished on a high. The last few times when I have tried to walk away it has always been as the result of an argument – my heart not ready to let go. Imagining into the arms of which woman am I sending him to. This time, my heart was ready. We’d had a good trip away. No fighting. Just love and I was happy. I may sound like I am in denial but today the tears have been less.
My best friend – B – she has been amazing. My siblings – amazing. Strangers – amazing.

Put your faith in people – so what if they let you down? There will always be some that exceed expectations and redeem your faith in humanity, compassion and kindness.

Pretending

The hardest thing about heartache of any kind is pretending to the world that you are doing OK. That nothing is wrong and you carry on with the daily routine knowing that inside you are crumbling.

I have told B, my siblings and a few other people about what has happened. I feel all the better for it.

No part of me in the last 4 days has thought of O. Well not in the concerned sense. I mean I don’t care whether he eats, sleeps or is in trouble. I have thought of the situation, what he has put me through but at the end of it all, I truly believe that this is God’s way of saving me. Saving me from a lifetime of deceit, lies, abuse, debt – the list is endless. I am not going to sit here and demonise our relationship – there was a time when it was the best thing for me and he was what I needed. But now he is not.

What is meant for me will be mine. Until then I will carry on pretending like everything is OK and try not to break down in tears every so often.

Flowers

I am a sucker for flowers. I know they die after a while. But whilst they are present, they bloom and are beautiful.

I received some beautiful flowers from my honorary Godson (B’s gorgeous son).

IMG_20150303_165939

Aren’t they beautiful? 3 years old and I am smitten with him. Especially as he sent me a beautiful video in the morning!

Baba also sent me flowers (to my work address no less!). They are absolutely gorgeous and they brought back a whole load of memories. Good ones. I follow a lot of random people on Instagram. And something I read this morning was along the lines of “Don’t let others guide you with illusions of ‘The One’. You determine who is ‘The One’ by being with them.” I think this was quite profound for me in this moment. I know that we never know what happens behind closed doors and that people portray their best moments on social media. I know relationships are hard work. And I think I know deep down that our relationship was not meant to be. But I also know that he is a good guy. I honestly have so much faith in him. To succeed. To make someone happy. And to be the best version of himself for someone. I don’t think that person is me though. I don’t know how I feeling right now. Mixed emotions.

IMG_20150303_165926_1

I thanked him enthusiastically. Because they were not necessary. But I love them. The same way I still love him.