2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

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Emotive

I am an emotive person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face can tell you what I am feeling – #PokerFaceGameNotStrong.

As much as I love my job, I am not happy with the office atmosphere. The relationships within the larger team are very cliquey. I have recently become of the ilk that if I am not part of the change then I am part of the problem. So rather than complain and moan to my peers, I decided to apply for a job. It wasn’t planned. I mean, I was going to start looking but I was on LinkedIn and a job came up (with a company that I had previously worked with) that was closer to home (in my industry, the companies are located in a cluster about 20-40 miles away). On a whim, I applied. It turned out that I had previously worked with the hiring manager. Not directly but she knew who I was. Following a telephone interview, I had a face to face interview. I didn’t think I fared very well. But the hiring manager contacted the VP of the department whom I had previously worked with at this company who gave me a glowing reference. And so, within 24 hours of my face to face interview, I was offered the job.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make in a long time. A lot of my colleagues that I work directly with are not based in the office. And they have been incredible to me! So it pains me that the folk in the office have lead me to this decision. Breaking the news to my LM was hard. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay (the new position is home based) including working from home (WFH). But I was honest with him. I said, I don’t want you to persuade me to stay and then in 8 months I feel the same as I do now and I apply for jobs again – it wouldn’t have been fair on either of us. So on Friday, I handed in my resignation. I have had one of the senior directors reach out to me expressing his sadness (well I think sadness is a bit of an extreme word to use but you know what I mean right?!). This is in turn made me sad. I mean, not blowing my own trumpet but I am a valued member of the team. I bring wit and compassion to the table and I think it is really appreciated here.

I have a 3 month notice period which I am trying to negotiate down to 2 – who wants to announce they are leaving and stay for 3 months?!  I am truly unsure if I am doing the right thing. I have been here 3 years now (the longest I have been at any job) and I don’t know if it the length that is making me question this decision.

Surely God/Fate would not have presented the opportunity if it wasn’t meant to be?

The Positivity in Break Ups

That point when you can start flirting with people and you know that whatever happened was because that was what the world intended.

My colleague is on Tinder. Now I know that Tinder is renowned for being a hook up site but she wanted someone to talk to about her antics and a comrade in arms as such. So she forced me to join. I didn’t have anything to lose. I mean, I had tried to join a few times in the past, but literally deleted the app after a day each time. But this time my run has lasted a week.

I am not sure how I feel about Tinder. It’s a great distraction app – bored? Just log in and swipe (mostly left in my case!). The few occasions I have swiped right, I have been surprised to see that it is a mutual swipe (especially the young ones!) – I mean the text messages that I received from Baba’s new wife would lead you to believe that I am hideous. And there were instances where I believed I might have been!

However, the guys don’t seem to want to message first. I know that in the 21st Century that it shouldn’t be expected and I don’t but my colleague swears by The Rules so I thought let’s give it a go. To be fair, I am taking this all with a pinch of salt. I don’t know if I am ready for dating or anything. But I am definitely happy flirting and being found attractive.

In Baba news – my number has changed and I don’t receive calls from anybody associated with that aspect of my life. It is a relief. Prior to it changing, I received a call from him – and I spoke with him at length. He sounded unhappy. And I asked him why? There were no answers. I don’t think there ever will be. But I think the closure is that I have accepted that this was all him. I could not have loved him harder or better in all of my capacity.

Toronto

Work have just asked me if I want to go to Toronto. Hell yeah! My manager always asks me in such a way that he makes it sound like an inconvenience! What he doesn’t realise that I love the fact that I get the opportunity to travel at the expense of my job.

Toronto – let’s go! 🙂

Even Jeremy Kyle Wouldn’t Believe It!

Since my last post, I have been to Moscow, Russia – did I mention how truly blessed I am to have a job that I enjoy and gives me the opportunity to see places in the world that I might not have otherwise? If I haven’t – please let me be thankful for that.

I wasn’t looking forward to spending time alone with my thoughts. I know what I am like when I am alone. I know that I will over think things. But then something happened just before I went away. This situation is so effed up that even The Jeremy Kyle Show would be slightly surprised (maybe?).

My ex’s child bride called me. She had seen a text in his phone from me (For someone who is so good at erasing text messages and call logs I’m thoroughly surprised!). She accused me of harassing her husband! Once I had got over this indignation, I politely asked her to discuss with her husband who is harassing who. And I asked her that if she is having marital problems, she should leave me out of it. I then blocked her number. And then the ex called me. From Bangladesh. Asking why I had called his wife – where does he think I would have got her number from?! I said to him “Your lies are going to kill you”. Promptly hung up and blocked that number as well. And at that moment, I felt like a weight had lifted. Only a few moments before all this had happened, I had made the decision that I would not speak to the other woman. Because as I said previously, I was speaking to her in a bid to keep the ex close. But I didn’t want that. A realisation that I had come to all by myself (this was progress!).

I then went to Russia and had an amazing time and did not think of this situation at all.

It has been two weeks since this happened. I have gone to sleep every night with a light head and a clean heart. I am in a good place. I am not hideous looking – confirmed by more than one young man who I have smiled at (and/or kissed!). I have told my sister what happened (in short) and I have started to tell close friends – and not once did I break down in tears or did my voice break.

I know that I was too good for him. I mean, I thought our differences made us compatible. But he wouldn’t have fitted in my lifestyle. I know hindsight is a great thing – I do. I know now I needed this lesson. I needed this to guide me away from my naivety that everyone is kind and that things are not what they seem on the surface – that I need to scratch that little bit more. That being said, I also know that I can’t stop wearing my heart on my sleeve just because of this. I know that my feelings for him were pure. That if anything he has cheated himself out of what would have been innocent and pure love. It is his loss.

I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt. Of course, in love, there is no greater hurt than betrayal (at least that’s what I think) and that hurts. Makes Made me feel worthless. But I know I am worth so much more to others. Worth so much more to myself.

I remember saying last time my heart was broken – never underestimate the kindness of strangers. To those that have commented – your words have been so comforting and I am so thankful that not only do I have a blog to pour out my emotions but that I have people who read and take the time to comment. Thank you so much.

As begins this new chapter in my life, here is my new policy – smile at everyone, flirt with everyone and whatever is meant to be will be.

Flowers

I am a sucker for flowers. I know they die after a while. But whilst they are present, they bloom and are beautiful.

I received some beautiful flowers from my honorary Godson (B’s gorgeous son).

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Aren’t they beautiful? 3 years old and I am smitten with him. Especially as he sent me a beautiful video in the morning!

Baba also sent me flowers (to my work address no less!). They are absolutely gorgeous and they brought back a whole load of memories. Good ones. I follow a lot of random people on Instagram. And something I read this morning was along the lines of “Don’t let others guide you with illusions of ‘The One’. You determine who is ‘The One’ by being with them.” I think this was quite profound for me in this moment. I know that we never know what happens behind closed doors and that people portray their best moments on social media. I know relationships are hard work. And I think I know deep down that our relationship was not meant to be. But I also know that he is a good guy. I honestly have so much faith in him. To succeed. To make someone happy. And to be the best version of himself for someone. I don’t think that person is me though. I don’t know how I feeling right now. Mixed emotions.

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I thanked him enthusiastically. Because they were not necessary. But I love them. The same way I still love him.

Another Year

Today is my birthday. Another year older and hopefully a little bit wiser. Today is about me and I will celebrate the fact that I have been given another year to reflect upon and another year to experience amazing things! I miss Baba so much at times. But I think I have found my closure. Whatever happened with us – I truly loved him – I know that now. I know that I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and I could not have asked for more of myself (or him to be fair). What is meant to be will be.

Today – I have no celebrations planned. I am tired from two weeks of continuous travel and living out of suitcases. I am going to enjoy my home comforts – sitting in from of the telly watching WWE RAW with my siblings and then falling asleep in my own bed.

Of course, a part of me yearns for the comfort of a companion – someone to talk to about your fears and aspirations but I know that is not the be all and end all. I am not silly.

I am thankful for so much. I sometimes forget that I am so much more fortunate than most. I have a family who love me beyond belief, friends who are the family I have chosen for myself, a roof over my head, a job that allows me to see the world, food on the table when I want it are just a few of these things. I live in an amazing city – in whic there is so much to do and experience.

Happy Birthday to me. I am not going to feel guilty today for celebrating me! 🙂

Birthdays

It was my birthday yesterday. Notmuch you can do when it falls on a weekday and that the first one of the week as well. Everyone was working so there was no point in me taking the day off of work.

Wasn’t the best birthday I have ever had. The AP kicking off and upsetting everybody. My mum writing an emotional message in my card about how me not being married is very upsetting for her. As you know being 32 and unmarried in Asian culture is a big no no. She’s upset at herself. All every parents wants is to see their children settled down. This set me off in tears for disappointing her. For not being good enough to attract someone of our own culture. She didn’t do it in a malicious way – my mother does not have a malicious bone in her body. I told Baba about this and he got upset because she doesn’t see him as a marriage candidate.

With the AP yelling at my non AP parent, Baba sulking, my family going through a stupid amount personal issues, there wasn’t much to celebrate. In fact, I may have cried myself to sleep.

But I am not ungrateful. I am loved by so many – it may not be apparent but there are people with much less than me who are far more thankful than I am. So I am thankful. Thankful for having my family around me, thankful I have a job, thankful that I am able to have a meal on my table when I feel like it. Thankful for being able to have lived another year.

Happy belated birthday to me.