2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

Emotive

I am an emotive person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face can tell you what I am feeling – #PokerFaceGameNotStrong.

As much as I love my job, I am not happy with the office atmosphere. The relationships within the larger team are very cliquey. I have recently become of the ilk that if I am not part of the change then I am part of the problem. So rather than complain and moan to my peers, I decided to apply for a job. It wasn’t planned. I mean, I was going to start looking but I was on LinkedIn and a job came up (with a company that I had previously worked with) that was closer to home (in my industry, the companies are located in a cluster about 20-40 miles away). On a whim, I applied. It turned out that I had previously worked with the hiring manager. Not directly but she knew who I was. Following a telephone interview, I had a face to face interview. I didn’t think I fared very well. But the hiring manager contacted the VP of the department whom I had previously worked with at this company who gave me a glowing reference. And so, within 24 hours of my face to face interview, I was offered the job.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make in a long time. A lot of my colleagues that I work directly with are not based in the office. And they have been incredible to me! So it pains me that the folk in the office have lead me to this decision. Breaking the news to my LM was hard. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay (the new position is home based) including working from home (WFH). But I was honest with him. I said, I don’t want you to persuade me to stay and then in 8 months I feel the same as I do now and I apply for jobs again – it wouldn’t have been fair on either of us. So on Friday, I handed in my resignation. I have had one of the senior directors reach out to me expressing his sadness (well I think sadness is a bit of an extreme word to use but you know what I mean right?!). This is in turn made me sad. I mean, not blowing my own trumpet but I am a valued member of the team. I bring wit and compassion to the table and I think it is really appreciated here.

I have a 3 month notice period which I am trying to negotiate down to 2 – who wants to announce they are leaving and stay for 3 months?!  I am truly unsure if I am doing the right thing. I have been here 3 years now (the longest I have been at any job) and I don’t know if it the length that is making me question this decision.

Surely God/Fate would not have presented the opportunity if it wasn’t meant to be?

How long as it been?!

Oh gosh, it has been so long. Nearly two months. A quick summary of my life:

Two trips to the USA. The first incorporating Whittier, CA (a sleepy “city” where the highlight of my trip was being the only non-Mexican in a Mexican supermarket – so much fun!), Portland, OR (which has firmly become my favourite city (a whole separate post when I get some time!)) and King of Prussia, PA (to visit our offices and where it rained the whole time I was there!). I think I ate a years worth of food in the two weeks I was away this time round.

The second trip was just 4 short days to KOP where the sun shined gloriously until today (when I am about to leave!).

In that time, I have had one date. I had been speaking with this guy for like a month before we met up. In fact, I thought he was super nice considering he made the effort to text me every day whilst I was away and not once did he ask me for a “picture”. We met up shortly after I got back from my first trip away and I thought that it went rather well (just goes to show how much I know!). A few days after though, I could feel that he wasn’t feeling me – you just know right. So I asked him what the deal was, we’d been getting on well, he’d even kissed me so I wasn’t hideous(!). But he said, that it’s probably best that we don’t “see” each other. I will be honest and say I was slightly disappointed (because personality wise – we got on) but hey – if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. Better to cut our ties early rather than late. I deleted all traces of him from my phone book and phone.

Other random news – I dropped my phone whilst I was out here in KOP and it now refuses to turn itself back on. AND I am pissed because I never backed up any of my photos.

I return back to London this evening, where I will need to do some “laundry”, pack and then I leave on Wednesday again for India. This time for pleasure as my friend has her destination wedding.

This is clearly a filler post – I’m sorry that I have to subject you to these random writings! 🙂

Cancellation

So this trip here was cancelled! I was super sad because I’d arranged to see family whilst I was over there but I guess these things happen.

However, I have since been asked to visit Portland, OR and Whittier, CA – I am super excited. Portland looks incredible. I’ve never been and am really looking forward to exploring.

Any tips are welcome! 🙂

Toronto

Work have just asked me if I want to go to Toronto. Hell yeah! My manager always asks me in such a way that he makes it sound like an inconvenience! What he doesn’t realise that I love the fact that I get the opportunity to travel at the expense of my job.

Toronto – let’s go! 🙂

I love my job!

I don’t know how many people can say that. I am not self employed and I don’t have a creative job. I work for a private company and I do it because it helps pay my bills (my aspiration is complete my Masters in Political Science and join the UN!).

But that said, when my job involves travelling – it can’t be all bad. This year so far I have travelled to Seville, Spain; Cadiz, Spain; Grenoble, France; Nancy, France, Frankfurt, Germany (twice!); and I will soon be travelling to Pittsburgh, USA and Los Angeles, USA. Not only is this great for my air miles but I am truly lucky to have a line manager that has confidence in me. Management that have confidence in me. Some of these places, I wouldn’t consider visiting as a tourist so business tourism is definitely a win-win situation.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s far from glamourous – living out of a suitcase 1-2 times a month. But it’s at times like this I am fortunate for everything I have and every opportunity I have been given.

In the word of the illustrious Drake “Started from the bottom now we here!”.

What’s That?!

Oh you want me to go to Perth, Australia for business? And you’re going to pay for it?

But I’ve only been at the comapny 4 months – are you sure?

Wow – this is a great opportunity – thank you!

 

(How amazing that I get to go to the other side of the world ofr work related activities?! I think it’s my time to shine!)

The Wrong Signature

Yesterday as I typed my (LONG) surname into an email, the spellcheck highlighted it. Now this is not strange as there are so many letters in it so sometimes I mistype them. As I checked, I coudl see that I typed it right so why hadn’t it been picked up by my aceepted words that are in the dictionary?

 

As I checked my email signature, I saw that I had typed my name in incorrectly the first time and this is what I had been sending out all this time.

#sadtimes when you can’t even spell your own surname.

Intermittent

My blogging has become so intermittent. I’m still reading all my regular blogs (thanks to Sarah and her blog roll!) but have hardly any time to comment or post myself!

The new job is keeping me busy and there is talk of travel to Australia – whether it materialises or not, the talk itself is enough to keep me motivated!

Baba is well. We are doing OK. Every day is hard. Purely because of the pressure I put on what I want out of this relationship. There have been times when I have questioned if I am with him because it’s better than being alone. I have read all the inspirational quotes about it being better to be alone but when we are together, it is so easy. Sometimes I think about if I just want to look after him. He is broken. I know I can’t fix him. But I want to look after him. Hold him and tell him that everything will be OK. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. I work so far from him now and seeing each other has decreased. I get tired. I can’t travel halfway across the city to see him. And the option of him coming to me is limited as I still live at home.

But that said – I am house/flat hunting! Property prices in London are CRAZY though! Partly because it is time to move out (but as an Asian girl who has been dedicated to her family all her life – this is so hard to think about!) but my family and I are getting on top of each other. What I used to appreciate as closeness is sometimes resentful. I don’t get the time to sulk after arguments. I am expected to be happy all the time. It’s hard. Sometimes, I want to sit in the living room and read my book. I just need some me time – ALONE. I know this sounds bratty. That isn’t my intention – you only have to read any of my family/sibling posts to know that I love them without a shadow of a doubt and wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them. But I want some space. To grow. To be able to enjoy my own company once in a while.

A New Beginning

I have decided to give him another chance. Well not so much another chance. We’re trying to be friends. We’re going on dates. I know – fool me once shame on me… but I need to try. Because I need to be sure.

It’s been tough. I mean – trusting him is hard. I mean – he is trying very hard. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I don’t know if I’m handling this the right way. I guess only time will tell.

But in other news – I have a new job. It’s my last week at my current one and I can’t wait. I’m hoping this new job will stimulate me a lot more mentally so I can kind of remove Baba as my emotional crutch. I need time to do my own thing and hopefully I’ll get it. It helps that Ramadan is starting. We won’t have to see each other as much.

In more other news – a little FB stalking tells me that S is now a father. I am truly happy for him. I think he’ll be an amazing dad. I want to speak to him to congratulate him but I won’t. I just hope that God has a way of letting him know that I am really pleased for him.

A crappy crappy blog post but hopefully a little filler for the time being! 🙂