Humbling

I feel lonely today. The kind of lonely that hurts my soul. I don’t want to tell anyone else. Just because, what can they do? I don’t want to bring them down and I don’t want to be a burden for them. Whilst I know my friends care about me, they don’t need my heartache.

I think I know what triggered it too. As we all know, I am on a dating website. I met a guy not long after O and I. We went on a few dates and I told him I wasn’t interested. He blocked me and that was that. Until mid last year, he found me again on said dating website and insisted that he’d like to take me out. I said, we can try being friends (not that I need anymore and this was quite shitty behaviour on my part – my ego needed a boost – not my finest moment.  I should have just ignored him so I know!). But I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in him like that after a few conversations and again he blocked me. Last week he found me again (3 for 3!) and said he wanted to see me. I said nothing had changed. But he persisted. So I gave him my number (God, I am such a dickhead!). But I told him that I want stability, I want marriage and I want long term. I also told him that I know his religion is important to him and it would make things complicated for us. He said, he doesn’t “see race, creed or colour”. And he was like – I wouldn’t expect anything else. But I said let’s see how it goes. Cue this morning, he text me saying he met up with his ex last night and that they’re going to give it another go (which is great for them – honestly). But what fucked me off is the whole – she’s the same religion as me and that’s what I wanted. We wouldn’t have gone anywhere and it would have been a waste of time.

Er.. OK? So we’ve established that I am a complete and utter dickhead. Not only for giving him the time of day twice more than necessary. But because he thinks that this was acceptable behaviour?

And then I felt like that this is God’s way of humbling me. Because I think for a slight minute, I may have felt overly good about myself that here was a guy who actually wanted to be with me, who understood what I wanted, who is probably a nice guy (maybe) and well maybe it was my time.

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Even Jeremy Kyle Wouldn’t Believe It!

Since my last post, I have been to Moscow, Russia – did I mention how truly blessed I am to have a job that I enjoy and gives me the opportunity to see places in the world that I might not have otherwise? If I haven’t – please let me be thankful for that.

I wasn’t looking forward to spending time alone with my thoughts. I know what I am like when I am alone. I know that I will over think things. But then something happened just before I went away. This situation is so effed up that even The Jeremy Kyle Show would be slightly surprised (maybe?).

My ex’s child bride called me. She had seen a text in his phone from me (For someone who is so good at erasing text messages and call logs I’m thoroughly surprised!). She accused me of harassing her husband! Once I had got over this indignation, I politely asked her to discuss with her husband who is harassing who. And I asked her that if she is having marital problems, she should leave me out of it. I then blocked her number. And then the ex called me. From Bangladesh. Asking why I had called his wife – where does he think I would have got her number from?! I said to him “Your lies are going to kill you”. Promptly hung up and blocked that number as well. And at that moment, I felt like a weight had lifted. Only a few moments before all this had happened, I had made the decision that I would not speak to the other woman. Because as I said previously, I was speaking to her in a bid to keep the ex close. But I didn’t want that. A realisation that I had come to all by myself (this was progress!).

I then went to Russia and had an amazing time and did not think of this situation at all.

It has been two weeks since this happened. I have gone to sleep every night with a light head and a clean heart. I am in a good place. I am not hideous looking – confirmed by more than one young man who I have smiled at (and/or kissed!). I have told my sister what happened (in short) and I have started to tell close friends – and not once did I break down in tears or did my voice break.

I know that I was too good for him. I mean, I thought our differences made us compatible. But he wouldn’t have fitted in my lifestyle. I know hindsight is a great thing – I do. I know now I needed this lesson. I needed this to guide me away from my naivety that everyone is kind and that things are not what they seem on the surface – that I need to scratch that little bit more. That being said, I also know that I can’t stop wearing my heart on my sleeve just because of this. I know that my feelings for him were pure. That if anything he has cheated himself out of what would have been innocent and pure love. It is his loss.

I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt. Of course, in love, there is no greater hurt than betrayal (at least that’s what I think) and that hurts. Makes Made me feel worthless. But I know I am worth so much more to others. Worth so much more to myself.

I remember saying last time my heart was broken – never underestimate the kindness of strangers. To those that have commented – your words have been so comforting and I am so thankful that not only do I have a blog to pour out my emotions but that I have people who read and take the time to comment. Thank you so much.

As begins this new chapter in my life, here is my new policy – smile at everyone, flirt with everyone and whatever is meant to be will be.

My biggest strength is my biggest weakness

Kindness. I have too much of it. I am not blowing my own trumpet. But I forgave him the first time. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told myself that I loved him and I could get through this. And yet the wanker goes and does it again (and multiple times I am sure! – Ewwww!).
And again, I found out from the horse’s mouth (per se). When I am ready – I will tell you the whole story. In fact, you couldn’t make this shit up! But I am not ready just yet.

The last few days have not been easy – so many things have not made sense but then so many things do. I was in love with a narcissist. Money and power so much more important that love and compassion. He’s married to a child bride. (well she isn’t a child bride – I don’t want him arrested! but she is very young)
I have known that I haven’t been in love with him for a while. I love him – don’t get me wrong but I am not in love with him. We finished on a high. The last few times when I have tried to walk away it has always been as the result of an argument – my heart not ready to let go. Imagining into the arms of which woman am I sending him to. This time, my heart was ready. We’d had a good trip away. No fighting. Just love and I was happy. I may sound like I am in denial but today the tears have been less.
My best friend – B – she has been amazing. My siblings – amazing. Strangers – amazing.

Put your faith in people – so what if they let you down? There will always be some that exceed expectations and redeem your faith in humanity, compassion and kindness.

Another Year

Today is my birthday. Another year older and hopefully a little bit wiser. Today is about me and I will celebrate the fact that I have been given another year to reflect upon and another year to experience amazing things! I miss Baba so much at times. But I think I have found my closure. Whatever happened with us – I truly loved him – I know that now. I know that I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and I could not have asked for more of myself (or him to be fair). What is meant to be will be.

Today – I have no celebrations planned. I am tired from two weeks of continuous travel and living out of suitcases. I am going to enjoy my home comforts – sitting in from of the telly watching WWE RAW with my siblings and then falling asleep in my own bed.

Of course, a part of me yearns for the comfort of a companion – someone to talk to about your fears and aspirations but I know that is not the be all and end all. I am not silly.

I am thankful for so much. I sometimes forget that I am so much more fortunate than most. I have a family who love me beyond belief, friends who are the family I have chosen for myself, a roof over my head, a job that allows me to see the world, food on the table when I want it are just a few of these things. I live in an amazing city – in whic there is so much to do and experience.

Happy Birthday to me. I am not going to feel guilty today for celebrating me! 🙂

I love my job!

I don’t know how many people can say that. I am not self employed and I don’t have a creative job. I work for a private company and I do it because it helps pay my bills (my aspiration is complete my Masters in Political Science and join the UN!).

But that said, when my job involves travelling – it can’t be all bad. This year so far I have travelled to Seville, Spain; Cadiz, Spain; Grenoble, France; Nancy, France, Frankfurt, Germany (twice!); and I will soon be travelling to Pittsburgh, USA and Los Angeles, USA. Not only is this great for my air miles but I am truly lucky to have a line manager that has confidence in me. Management that have confidence in me. Some of these places, I wouldn’t consider visiting as a tourist so business tourism is definitely a win-win situation.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s far from glamourous – living out of a suitcase 1-2 times a month. But it’s at times like this I am fortunate for everything I have and every opportunity I have been given.

In the word of the illustrious Drake “Started from the bottom now we here!”.

What’s That?!

Oh you want me to go to Perth, Australia for business? And you’re going to pay for it?

But I’ve only been at the comapny 4 months – are you sure?

Wow – this is a great opportunity – thank you!

 

(How amazing that I get to go to the other side of the world ofr work related activities?! I think it’s my time to shine!)

A New Beginning

I have decided to give him another chance. Well not so much another chance. We’re trying to be friends. We’re going on dates. I know – fool me once shame on me… but I need to try. Because I need to be sure.

It’s been tough. I mean – trusting him is hard. I mean – he is trying very hard. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I don’t know if I’m handling this the right way. I guess only time will tell.

But in other news – I have a new job. It’s my last week at my current one and I can’t wait. I’m hoping this new job will stimulate me a lot more mentally so I can kind of remove Baba as my emotional crutch. I need time to do my own thing and hopefully I’ll get it. It helps that Ramadan is starting. We won’t have to see each other as much.

In more other news – a little FB stalking tells me that S is now a father. I am truly happy for him. I think he’ll be an amazing dad. I want to speak to him to congratulate him but I won’t. I just hope that God has a way of letting him know that I am really pleased for him.

A crappy crappy blog post but hopefully a little filler for the time being! 🙂

Complicated

I am confused. Heart broken and confused. Baba adamantly defends that he didn’t cheat on me. The other woman messages me every day – giving random updates about her life. And I know she is hurt. He hasn’t contacted her since she “alleged” his cheating. So I make the time to have conversation with her. She is a nomad – a loner and I feel bad. I have loved ones who make up for the lonely times – but she doesn’t. It’s hard – because had we met under different circumstances I think we would have got on well.

I don’t  know what to  believe any more. I have spent time with Baba since it happened. He was hospitalised a few days after it all happened. I should have left him to be cared for by his family but his sister called and said he was asking for me. I was so worried that I went. In hindsight, I am not sure if this was my best decision. But feelings don’t change overnight. And I would never wish ill health on anybody. If I can give the other woman the time to tell her story, I can give Baba the time to tell his side.

It’s hard because every time I see him, I want to hold him. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. He seems like a broken man. Is that my fault for being distant? I want him to get better. I want him to achieve all his dreams. The ones we spent so much time making. So what if they’re without me? I was stupid to believe that I was enough for him. But do I believe him? He’s had a difficult life. A childhood that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Sometimes I feel as though he doesn’t know how to appreciate love. Not his fault – but I have an overwhelming amount of love to give – to everybody but to those I care for – my love knows no bounds. As a result, it can be stifling. I don’t know. I am confused. And writing this post isn’t helping because I am at work and not writing properly.

The other woman seems so normal (but then I come across as normal to most)!). She’s also started writing a blog and shared it with me. She writes very well. I haven’t told anyone that I am talking to Baba. B would disown me. He knows what he’s losing. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I am a good cup of tea.

I realise I am being naive. And perhaps too kind for my own good but I don’t think I can change this. Everyone deserves a chance. I can’t promise you that I will be with Baba forever and I can’tr promise you that I will ever know the truth. I have to take a chance. I’m not sure with what yet. When I realise, you will be the first to know.

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” – Robert Muller”

Happy New Year

It has been a quiet start to the year but one stand out feeling is that of getting old. How do I know? I was the first to leave the office Christmas party at a respectable time of 22:00. Sad times.

Happy New Year my lovelies. 🙂