I feel lonely today. The kind of lonely that hurts my soul. I don’t want to tell anyone else. Just because, what can they do? I don’t want to bring them down and I don’t want to be a burden for them. Whilst I know my friends care about me, they don’t need my heartache.
I think I know what triggered it too. As we all know, I am on a dating website. I met a guy not long after O and I. We went on a few dates and I told him I wasn’t interested. He blocked me and that was that. Until mid last year, he found me again on said dating website and insisted that he’d like to take me out. I said, we can try being friends (not that I need anymore and this was quite shitty behaviour on my part – my ego needed a boost – not my finest moment. I should have just ignored him so I know!). But I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in him like that after a few conversations and again he blocked me. Last week he found me again (3 for 3!) and said he wanted to see me. I said nothing had changed. But he persisted. So I gave him my number (God, I am such a dickhead!). But I told him that I want stability, I want marriage and I want long term. I also told him that I know his religion is important to him and it would make things complicated for us. He said, he doesn’t “see race, creed or colour”. And he was like – I wouldn’t expect anything else. But I said let’s see how it goes. Cue this morning, he text me saying he met up with his ex last night and that they’re going to give it another go (which is great for them – honestly). But what fucked me off is the whole – she’s the same religion as me and that’s what I wanted. We wouldn’t have gone anywhere and it would have been a waste of time.
Er.. OK? So we’ve established that I am a complete and utter dickhead. Not only for giving him the time of day twice more than necessary. But because he thinks that this was acceptable behaviour?
And then I felt like that this is God’s way of humbling me. Because I think for a slight minute, I may have felt overly good about myself that here was a guy who actually wanted to be with me, who understood what I wanted, who is probably a nice guy (maybe) and well maybe it was my time.