My Purpose

I have kind of been flitting in and out of online dating – it’s a means to an end but it is laborious and time consuming and I don’t put in the effort I should to reap the rewards that I want.

I recently started speaking to a guy – same background as me. A colourful past though – not someone who I would consider introducing to my parents – but you know bad things happen to good people – we cannot let our pasts define us.

The conversation flowed so easily – I didn’t think about his past at all – I don’t know why. We spoke so often and it seemed inevitable for us to meet. The evening before we were due to meet, he called me and we were chatting our inane nonsense before he told me had something to tell me. He told me that there was someone else as well. And he’d met her before me. So I told him , I would make things easy – I deleted everything and told him that we wouldn’t meet. I was sensible. And that my friends is where all sensibility stopped.

He called me later that night “as friends” – we spoke for over 4 hours. Just stupid things and we agreed that we would have a drink. Nothing had been set in stone with the other girl. So a harmless drink. But a harmless drink turned into dinner which ended up with me kissing him.

We have since seen other a few times, and each time we have had fun. We speak and message constantly. I was slightly optimistic (perhaps that’s where I went wrong). The parameters of what we were doing had not been defined. I think I was happy with that. We were just two people who enjoyed each other’s company.

And then yesterday happened. The other girl told her father that he was the one. It was inevitable. I kind of knew that this was the end goal and there would be nothing between us.

He called me this morning to explain the situation. She has basically sacrificed everything for him and I know this.

I told him , I had served Fate’s/God’s purpose for me in his life. I was there to distract him. And that there was nothing more that I could give. He disagreed. But I have made it clear, that I can’t be in his life. It wouldn’t be fair on anybody.

But it left me wondering – is my purpose to be a stopping gap for these men.

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Emotive

I am an emotive person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face can tell you what I am feeling – #PokerFaceGameNotStrong.

As much as I love my job, I am not happy with the office atmosphere. The relationships within the larger team are very cliquey. I have recently become of the ilk that if I am not part of the change then I am part of the problem. So rather than complain and moan to my peers, I decided to apply for a job. It wasn’t planned. I mean, I was going to start looking but I was on LinkedIn and a job came up (with a company that I had previously worked with) that was closer to home (in my industry, the companies are located in a cluster about 20-40 miles away). On a whim, I applied. It turned out that I had previously worked with the hiring manager. Not directly but she knew who I was. Following a telephone interview, I had a face to face interview. I didn’t think I fared very well. But the hiring manager contacted the VP of the department whom I had previously worked with at this company who gave me a glowing reference. And so, within 24 hours of my face to face interview, I was offered the job.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make in a long time. A lot of my colleagues that I work directly with are not based in the office. And they have been incredible to me! So it pains me that the folk in the office have lead me to this decision. Breaking the news to my LM was hard. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay (the new position is home based) including working from home (WFH). But I was honest with him. I said, I don’t want you to persuade me to stay and then in 8 months I feel the same as I do now and I apply for jobs again – it wouldn’t have been fair on either of us. So on Friday, I handed in my resignation. I have had one of the senior directors reach out to me expressing his sadness (well I think sadness is a bit of an extreme word to use but you know what I mean right?!). This is in turn made me sad. I mean, not blowing my own trumpet but I am a valued member of the team. I bring wit and compassion to the table and I think it is really appreciated here.

I have a 3 month notice period which I am trying to negotiate down to 2 – who wants to announce they are leaving and stay for 3 months?!  I am truly unsure if I am doing the right thing. I have been here 3 years now (the longest I have been at any job) and I don’t know if it the length that is making me question this decision.

Surely God/Fate would not have presented the opportunity if it wasn’t meant to be?

Confused

I don’t know why my heart and head can’t both tell me the same thing. He denies everything. I have no concrete evidence but I see no other reason why she would lie to me. He tells me he’ll prove his innocence. But I can’t believe that.

He ended up in hospital last night. His sister phoned me this morning. I couldn’t not go. And I dragged myself to be there. His whole family were there. I have met them more times in the last week than in the last 15 months. I don’t know. I need to break this hold he has over me. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy but he seems insistent that I am a part of his future.

Me? I want to be wrong. But if I was wrong in my accusations, what does that say about our relationship? I just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate.

Special Day

I can’t believe a year has gone so quickly. This time last year we celebrated your birthday – the first of what I hoped was many to come. When my plans didn’t work out. But we still celebrated.

Today, we celebrate your birthday. You don’t really celebrate because let’s face it – you’re old. OK – fine! You’re older. But I celebrate it. With a little too much enthusiasm. Because without this day, you wouldn’t be in my life. I honestly don’t know what life has in store for us baba. I don’t know if I am strong enough to be with you. My heart and mind are so conflicted. Things have not been easy for us recently – I would be a fool to think they were. Maybe I am the saboteur. Maybe.

I love you. Of that there is no doubt. But sometimes love isn’t enough. We both know this.

Happy birthday my baba.

Lonely

The true definitely of lonely? Is having everyone you love around you and still there is nobody to talk to.

The AP is on fine form. Everyone is allowed to say their piece but me. Especially because of the history I have with AP. But how many times can you listen to them abusing  your siblings and your other parent?

Softie. Sensi (short for sensitive). Words that are used to describe me. And not in an endearing way. Yes I am those things. I can’t help it. I should be stronger. I shouldn’t let things get to me so easily. But that’s what makes me me. And maybe that version of me is not a good person to be. Maybe I should change. But at 30 years old – is it too late.

Chivalry

A young boy gave his seat up for me on the train yesterday. I am not sure if I should be flattered or distraught. Flattered because I’m a female and he was being chivalrous (also he was getting off at the stop after which I’d got on) or distraught because he thought I was too old or too pregnant to stand!

Let’s go with the flattered. Makes me feel better!

A Little Hope Yet

It’s confirmed. I am not hideous. Something which I questioned irrefutably this weekend (refer to this!) and the last few weekends actually.

A HOT guy asked me for my number on Sunday. It’s been so long since I’ve actually been asked for my number, I forgot what it feels like. That feeling of “wow, you think I’m attractive?” followed by “awww, you think I’m attractive!”.

A very nice boost to the ego which was in desperate need of boosting.

I know you’re all going to ask whether I gave it to him or not. I haven’t yet. Because. I have issues.