Emotive

I am an emotive person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face can tell you what I am feeling – #PokerFaceGameNotStrong.

As much as I love my job, I am not happy with the office atmosphere. The relationships within the larger team are very cliquey. I have recently become of the ilk that if I am not part of the change then I am part of the problem. So rather than complain and moan to my peers, I decided to apply for a job. It wasn’t planned. I mean, I was going to start looking but I was on LinkedIn and a job came up (with a company that I had previously worked with) that was closer to home (in my industry, the companies are located in a cluster about 20-40 miles away). On a whim, I applied. It turned out that I had previously worked with the hiring manager. Not directly but she knew who I was. Following a telephone interview, I had a face to face interview. I didn’t think I fared very well. But the hiring manager contacted the VP of the department whom I had previously worked with at this company who gave me a glowing reference. And so, within 24 hours of my face to face interview, I was offered the job.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make in a long time. A lot of my colleagues that I work directly with are not based in the office. And they have been incredible to me! So it pains me that the folk in the office have lead me to this decision. Breaking the news to my LM was hard. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay (the new position is home based) including working from home (WFH). But I was honest with him. I said, I don’t want you to persuade me to stay and then in 8 months I feel the same as I do now and I apply for jobs again – it wouldn’t have been fair on either of us. So on Friday, I handed in my resignation. I have had one of the senior directors reach out to me expressing his sadness (well I think sadness is a bit of an extreme word to use but you know what I mean right?!). This is in turn made me sad. I mean, not blowing my own trumpet but I am a valued member of the team. I bring wit and compassion to the table and I think it is really appreciated here.

I have a 3 month notice period which I am trying to negotiate down to 2 – who wants to announce they are leaving and stay for 3 months?!  I am truly unsure if I am doing the right thing. I have been here 3 years now (the longest I have been at any job) and I don’t know if it the length that is making me question this decision.

Surely God/Fate would not have presented the opportunity if it wasn’t meant to be?

Confused

I don’t know why my heart and head can’t both tell me the same thing. He denies everything. I have no concrete evidence but I see no other reason why she would lie to me. He tells me he’ll prove his innocence. But I can’t believe that.

He ended up in hospital last night. His sister phoned me this morning. I couldn’t not go. And I dragged myself to be there. His whole family were there. I have met them more times in the last week than in the last 15 months. I don’t know. I need to break this hold he has over me. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy but he seems insistent that I am a part of his future.

Me? I want to be wrong. But if I was wrong in my accusations, what does that say about our relationship? I just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate.

Special Day

I can’t believe a year has gone so quickly. This time last year we celebrated your birthday – the first of what I hoped was many to come. When my plans didn’t work out. But we still celebrated.

Today, we celebrate your birthday. You don’t really celebrate because let’s face it – you’re old. OK – fine! You’re older. But I celebrate it. With a little too much enthusiasm. Because without this day, you wouldn’t be in my life. I honestly don’t know what life has in store for us baba. I don’t know if I am strong enough to be with you. My heart and mind are so conflicted. Things have not been easy for us recently – I would be a fool to think they were. Maybe I am the saboteur. Maybe.

I love you. Of that there is no doubt. But sometimes love isn’t enough. We both know this.

Happy birthday my baba.

Lonely

The true definitely of lonely? Is having everyone you love around you and still there is nobody to talk to.

The AP is on fine form. Everyone is allowed to say their piece but me. Especially because of the history I have with AP. But how many times can you listen to them abusing  your siblings and your other parent?

Softie. Sensi (short for sensitive). Words that are used to describe me. And not in an endearing way. Yes I am those things. I can’t help it. I should be stronger. I shouldn’t let things get to me so easily. But that’s what makes me me. And maybe that version of me is not a good person to be. Maybe I should change. But at 30 years old – is it too late.

Chivalry

A young boy gave his seat up for me on the train yesterday. I am not sure if I should be flattered or distraught. Flattered because I’m a female and he was being chivalrous (also he was getting off at the stop after which I’d got on) or distraught because he thought I was too old or too pregnant to stand!

Let’s go with the flattered. Makes me feel better!

A Little Hope Yet

It’s confirmed. I am not hideous. Something which I questioned irrefutably this weekend (refer to this!) and the last few weekends actually.

A HOT guy asked me for my number on Sunday. It’s been so long since I’ve actually been asked for my number, I forgot what it feels like. That feeling of “wow, you think I’m attractive?” followed by “awww, you think I’m attractive!”.

A very nice boost to the ego which was in desperate need of boosting.

I know you’re all going to ask whether I gave it to him or not. I haven’t yet. Because. I have issues.

Sri Lanka’s Killing Fields

Channel 4 screened this last night. At 23:05. Way past the watershed because the scenes were too distressing and some quite gruesome. For those outside of the UK – it can be watched on 4OD here.

My FB , texts, emails and Twitter were bombarded with reminders and pleas urging friends and families to watch it. To spread the word and help raise the profile of it. I did the same.

Tamils in the Diaspora are labelled as “terrorist sympathisers” because they want to see people brought to justice for the death of innocent Tamil civilians.

The short documentary shows footage from civilian recordings and from military personnel (trophy videos I call them!). I cannot even begin to explain how I felt seeing this stuff.

Let’s face it – the end of the civil war in SL was a bloody one. I mean wars usually are. And the defeat of the LTTE signifies hope and peace for the beautiful island but it was at a big cost to the civilians that were caught in the no fire safety zone.

The no fire safety zone – created by the GOSL and its military powers so that civilians leaving the north would be able to be safe. Encouraged to stay there for their own safety only to be bombarded by shelling and artillery fire. By both sides. I don’t doubt that the LTTE didn’t have some part to play in the deaths of civilians by using them not only as human shields but their own shelling in retaliation to the attack by the military forces in the “no fire safety zone” (they might even have instigated it – but without independent reporting, we’ll never know).

The report calls for an independent war crime investigation. The UN published a report in April 2011 that as many as 40000 people died in the final weeks of the civil war and the report states that Ban Ki-Moon refuses to call for an independent inquiry.
The UN is a complete and utter joke. How can it be taken seriously when it talks of war crimes in Libya but Ban-Ki Moon ignores them elsewhere? Are civilian casualties not important when they are in the third world?! Or when there is a lack of oil profits available? How disheartening is it that a human life is worth so much less than the commodity that is oil?!

Look at the similarities between Ratko Mladic, Bosnian Serb army chief and what happened in Srebrenica and what has happened in SL. Will the world need to wait an excess amount of years before someone is to answer for the deaths?

It will be said that this is LTTE propaganda and in all fairness the documentary does not present a balanced view (in my humble opinion). Both sides are to blame and both should face the consequences. But the GoSL should hand over the captured LTTE members (if in fact they are still alive) so that they can also face charges against them for war crimes.

You judge a person by the company they keep. SL allies itself with China, Russia, Iran and Israel – all countries with questionable human rights and still the UN stands by and does nothing. The worst thing is – SL gets it weapons from these countries but these countries get it from the USA/UK. It’s a joke!

I don’t live in SL. I never have. I will never know what it’s like to experience being a Tamil in SL first hand. Nor will I never know what it is like questioning whether I would have able to board a bus safely in the Colombo without fearing for my life. So my writings here are a reflection of what I have seen, heard and do know.

What I do know is that it is not our place to take peoples’ lives.

It’s not a question of LTTE vs. GoSL. It’s not a question of Tamils vs. Sinhalese. It’s a question of how were tens of thousands of innocent Tamil civilians were allowed to die and nobody did anything to stop it. And now nobody is doing anything to question it.