2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

Birthdays

It was my birthday yesterday. Notmuch you can do when it falls on a weekday and that the first one of the week as well. Everyone was working so there was no point in me taking the day off of work.

Wasn’t the best birthday I have ever had. The AP kicking off and upsetting everybody. My mum writing an emotional message in my card about how me not being married is very upsetting for her. As you know being 32 and unmarried in Asian culture is a big no no. She’s upset at herself. All every parents wants is to see their children settled down. This set me off in tears for disappointing her. For not being good enough to attract someone of our own culture. She didn’t do it in a malicious way – my mother does not have a malicious bone in her body. I told Baba about this and he got upset because she doesn’t see him as a marriage candidate.

With the AP yelling at my non AP parent, Baba sulking, my family going through a stupid amount personal issues, there wasn’t much to celebrate. In fact, I may have cried myself to sleep.

But I am not ungrateful. I am loved by so many – it may not be apparent but there are people with much less than me who are far more thankful than I am. So I am thankful. Thankful for having my family around me, thankful I have a job, thankful that I am able to have a meal on my table when I feel like it. Thankful for being able to have lived another year.

Happy belated birthday to me.

Intermittent

My blogging has become so intermittent. I’m still reading all my regular blogs (thanks to Sarah and her blog roll!) but have hardly any time to comment or post myself!

The new job is keeping me busy and there is talk of travel to Australia – whether it materialises or not, the talk itself is enough to keep me motivated!

Baba is well. We are doing OK. Every day is hard. Purely because of the pressure I put on what I want out of this relationship. There have been times when I have questioned if I am with him because it’s better than being alone. I have read all the inspirational quotes about it being better to be alone but when we are together, it is so easy. Sometimes I think about if I just want to look after him. He is broken. I know I can’t fix him. But I want to look after him. Hold him and tell him that everything will be OK. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. I work so far from him now and seeing each other has decreased. I get tired. I can’t travel halfway across the city to see him. And the option of him coming to me is limited as I still live at home.

But that said – I am house/flat hunting! Property prices in London are CRAZY though! Partly because it is time to move out (but as an Asian girl who has been dedicated to her family all her life – this is so hard to think about!) but my family and I are getting on top of each other. What I used to appreciate as closeness is sometimes resentful. I don’t get the time to sulk after arguments. I am expected to be happy all the time. It’s hard. Sometimes, I want to sit in the living room and read my book. I just need some me time – ALONE. I know this sounds bratty. That isn’t my intention – you only have to read any of my family/sibling posts to know that I love them without a shadow of a doubt and wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them. But I want some space. To grow. To be able to enjoy my own company once in a while.

Weakness

Mine is my loved ones. I rarely stand up for myself anymore. Choosing to weather the storm rather than brave it. Choosing to let them have the last word. Choosing to be weak. Let their words and actions get to me. I don’t have the strength to fight back. I am weak. And I am sad that this is who I am. That is how people see me. That my heart breaks so easily.

Birthday Celebrations

“So what are you doing for your birthday?” B asks me.

Nothing. I was just thinking dinner and drinks – nothing too fancy.

That is soooooooooo lame!

Yeah but I am really lazy.

Let me organise it.

Erm… But you’ve just had a baby.

Which means I have nothing else to do.

If you’re sure…..

Of course I am sure.

And that is how B ended up organising a superb birthday bash – a 1920s Hollywood Glamour themed birthday bash. But this isn’t so much about the bash.

Baba – so I’m going out for my birthday. Do you want to come?

Erm… I guess.

Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s just a few of my friends and family.

No, I’m going to have to meet them sometime right?

And that’s how Baba ended up coming.

No one apart from B actually knows that we’re in a relationship but I think that might have since changed. He arrived late (nothing unusual!) with a beautiful bunch of red roses, a ginormous birthday cake and some presents. He looked so handsome. And he’d made an effort as well by dressing up – I was so impressed.

I’d already warned him against PDAs (and we know how that worked out….). I introduced to my siblings first. I was so worried about this. My brother being the overprotective one that he is but Baba was the perfect gentleman. Showing the right amount of interest, being polite, offering to buy them drinks and just in general being the charmer that he is. After siblings, B’s turn. She’s a little giddy with excitement but I left them to it. It was great that I didn’t have to babysit him. That he was able to hold his own. I flitted about like the social butterfly that I am and I caught him watching me at certain moments. It was like it was just us there. I did end up dragging him to the bar after a while. Mainly so I was able to touch him. Hold his hand, stroke his face and a chance to give him a hug. We spent the rest of the night glued to each other. Obviously talking to and mingling but he didn’t leave my side. We had a few stolen kisses when (hopefully) nobody was looking.

I think it went well. My siblings seemed to like him. B seemed to like him. And I got two approval texts from two of my closest friends.

I am so smitten that I am now scared that I’ve let myself fall too deep too quickly.

Geographical Nonsense!

The above video came on the TV the other day as my siblings and I were watching one of those famous music channels. We do like The Wanted – especially since there is one guy who’s half Tamil (helps that he’s easy on the eye as well!).

Brother: “Best thing to come out of Ireland since Westlife”.

Me: “Are they all Irish then?”

Brother: “YES!”

Me: *quick Google search on my phone (because I Google everything!)*

“Erm.. they’re not all Irish”.

And then I read him this.

Clearly we’re very ignorant! 🙂



But it did make me smile. Especially at how sure sounding he was!