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I spent my time in the shower this morning crying. I don’t even know why. Well I guess I kind of do. Why did God put me through such heartbreak? Like what did I do that he thought that I needed that lesson? I have been thinking a lot about what happened with me and O. And everything I felt just feels so worthless. What a waste of 4 years of my life.

I have been on some dates with someone. I think he likes me. But I am so scared to give myself up to that again.  He appears to be the complete opposite of O. But then I was such bad judge of character before, what says I won’t be again.

How can someone enjoy their own company and still feel lonely?

Why do I overthink things?

Humbling

I feel lonely today. The kind of lonely that hurts my soul. I don’t want to tell anyone else. Just because, what can they do? I don’t want to bring them down and I don’t want to be a burden for them. Whilst I know my friends care about me, they don’t need my heartache.

I think I know what triggered it too. As we all know, I am on a dating website. I met a guy not long after O and I. We went on a few dates and I told him I wasn’t interested. He blocked me and that was that. Until mid last year, he found me again on said dating website and insisted that he’d like to take me out. I said, we can try being friends (not that I need anymore and this was quite shitty behaviour on my part – my ego needed a boost – not my finest moment.  I should have just ignored him so I know!). But I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in him like that after a few conversations and again he blocked me. Last week he found me again (3 for 3!) and said he wanted to see me. I said nothing had changed. But he persisted. So I gave him my number (God, I am such a dickhead!). But I told him that I want stability, I want marriage and I want long term. I also told him that I know his religion is important to him and it would make things complicated for us. He said, he doesn’t “see race, creed or colour”. And he was like – I wouldn’t expect anything else. But I said let’s see how it goes. Cue this morning, he text me saying he met up with his ex last night and that they’re going to give it another go (which is great for them – honestly). But what fucked me off is the whole – she’s the same religion as me and that’s what I wanted. We wouldn’t have gone anywhere and it would have been a waste of time.

Er.. OK? So we’ve established that I am a complete and utter dickhead. Not only for giving him the time of day twice more than necessary. But because he thinks that this was acceptable behaviour?

And then I felt like that this is God’s way of humbling me. Because I think for a slight minute, I may have felt overly good about myself that here was a guy who actually wanted to be with me, who understood what I wanted, who is probably a nice guy (maybe) and well maybe it was my time.

2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

Today is a shitty day

You would have thought 4 weeks away would have been good for me. But 3 weeks having to pretend to my family that I was OK took its toll.

He called me whilst I was away – several times. Telling me loves me, misses me. I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.

Today I keep think about how could he do that to me? How can you hurt someone you love so bad? Was it my fault? Am I to blame? Why wasn’t I good enough? And I know none of the responsibility of his cheating is on me. But how can he seem to get away with it.

The lady that he cheated on me with (one of many) messages me. I don’t know if I reply so that through her I can still keep him close. I don’t want to know what is happening with him, but at the same time I do. She still sees him, talks to him and has him in her life daily. I cannot comprehend their relationship (she has a partner!). Out of the women that I know he has cheated on me with, it seems I am the only one with morals. Reading of quotes does not help me. I am constantly sad. I want this to go away. I want to feel loved – like I am good enough for love.

I wish I could explain to somebody how my heart aches. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about this.

I have tried so hard not to cry. But I need to. However, the tears are not enough. I do not know how to exorcise myself of him. Of the relationship. Of the good memories I have. I have deleted everything. But I miss him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I miss the moments that might have been genuine.

Pretending

The hardest thing about heartache of any kind is pretending to the world that you are doing OK. That nothing is wrong and you carry on with the daily routine knowing that inside you are crumbling.

I have told B, my siblings and a few other people about what has happened. I feel all the better for it.

No part of me in the last 4 days has thought of O. Well not in the concerned sense. I mean I don’t care whether he eats, sleeps or is in trouble. I have thought of the situation, what he has put me through but at the end of it all, I truly believe that this is God’s way of saving me. Saving me from a lifetime of deceit, lies, abuse, debt – the list is endless. I am not going to sit here and demonise our relationship – there was a time when it was the best thing for me and he was what I needed. But now he is not.

What is meant for me will be mine. Until then I will carry on pretending like everything is OK and try not to break down in tears every so often.

Revelations

The ex-boyfriend (O) has just come back from Bangladesh – where he is building a house. It turns out that he is now engaged. Or married even. Why do bad things happen to good people? He used me. So many revelations in the last 24 hours. All making me question myself. But it wasn’t me that was the problem. I realise that. So I will cry it out and forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was not capable of love.

And then I will forgive him – I won’t carry that burden.

Over

Baba and I are over. Done with. Finished. Khalas It’s only hit me today. So much that I went to the toilet and cried. It was my decision. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt any less.

Things have not been great between us for a while. Ever since I started my new job but especially so in the last 6 months. Lots of travel and not enough time for each other. The last few weeks we have been arguing like crazy. And the man he has shown me that he can be is not somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want sympathy or pity. And if I write it down it will be real.

The relationship was abusive. Not physically. But verbally, mentally and emotionally. The last few months I have walked on eggshells around him. I didn’t dare say anything for fear of upsetting him. I know he has been given a bad hand in life – things that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but there was no need to take them out on me. It got to the point where I dreaded seeing his number come up on my phone. He tried to control me. I am not that girl. I refused to be.
When I told him I don’t want to be with him, he flew into tantrums, threatened to ruin my life, expose my secrets to my family. But what can he do that hasn’t already hurt me. I am hurting. I invested nearly 3 years of my life into loving someone and I didn’t really know them.

He owes me a lot of money. But now I am ready to cut my losses. I keep berating myself. I should have known better than to date him. And he might have been my rebound guy. But he also might have been THE guy.
I think I was charmed at the time. He said all the right things that I wanted (and needed) to hear.

Don;t get me wrong – we had some great times. I have a lot to thank him for. The first guy and only guy to call me beautiful. For loving me. Because I truly believed that he did.

It’s difficult. I am 32 now. My friends pretty much all married and at a different chapter in their lives. And here I am, picking up the pieces of my heart once again.

Boys

Baba and I went to 2 weddings over the weekend for people that he knows. We hadn’t seen each other all week. I really think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Highlight was him making sure all my pieces of lamb were off the bone as he put it onto my plate. The simplest gesture with massive amounts of love.

On another note, S text me yesterday. I am used to the Happy New Year/Merry Christmas texts – I haven’t ever once responded to any of them. And I always assumed them to be generic – sent to everybody in his phone book. But this one, this one was different. “Hello stubborn female”. Really? What does he expect? For me to text back and forgive him? Let him back into my life.

I won’t respond but I hate when he does things like this. Throws me off my path in life.

2014 – the year so far

It has been nearly three months since my last post. I haven’t really had anything to write about. I think that might be because I am happy. I mean, I am secure in my relationship (apart from when those odd moments where I feel as though I am not enough but those are quickly sorted with a chat and a few tears). Things at home are good *touch wood*. Work is going good – I’m being kept busy and there is plenty more travel on the cards. Things could always be better but I won’t complain.

The New Year came and went in spectacular fashion. I was at home on midnight NYE with my siblings and parents, watching the fireworks on the telly and gave them all a kiss before I headed up to bed at 12:30. I am the last of the great party people(!). A dying breed!

I cannot remember when I became so emotional. Seriously. It’s like my heart wants to burst at times. This morning, I dropped my siblings to a station (because of the crappy tube strike in London – bastards, the lot of them for making my siblings inconvenienced!) It was so early and cold and I felt soooo bad for them. I welled up a little bit. I know I mollycoddle them a bit. I don’t like to see them struggle. In fact, I don’t like to see anyone struggle. I am the same with all my loved ones. Even strangers. If I can help somebody – I will try my best.

There are times when I become so sad though. For no reason. Everything makes me cry. Happy things make me cry. SERIOUSLY! I am a wreck.

My evenings are spent playing Nintendo wii with the siblings. Baba is also busy – things have improved for him recently and i think he is at a better place in life. A happier place. His past has damaged him. I don’t think I was enough to bring him back from that. But he’s OK. And God willing, he will be OK in the long run. I have had doubts about us. The periods of time where I don’t see him but then I see him. I see the smile and eyes light up as he see me. The affection he showers me with and then I doubt my doubts.

I think I am appreciating religion more. Not so much my own but religion in general. I want to learn. I want to know everything about everything. And yet I need to find the time.

It is Baba’s birthday tomorrow and I have not organised anything. But that’s OK. Because I am pretty sure he’ll love me regardless!

AND – even though my siblings bully the shit of me (I’m the oldest!), they did buy me one ticket to go and see Beyoncé the day after my birthday. I am a happy bunny!