Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

The Guy and me are done. It was easier than I thought it would be. Helped by the fact The Boy was in the picture. Has been since that eventful night when I met him back in May.

The Guy – An Update: Following your civil ceremony, I didn’t see you. I haven’t seen you. We speak on the phone – infrequently – The Boy taking up all my time. You ask to see me and I keep making excuses. When we do talk, you mention that you miss me but I can’t say I feel the same. I know the date for the Hindu ceremony is set. And I am happy for you. Between May and now, we have seen each other on a night out – except I am with The Boy – that is the one brief time.

You call one evening – drunk(!). And you tell me that I don’t have time for you any more. And that you’ve slept with someone else. And it doesn’t hurt me. I am not upset but disappointed. I can’t criticize because that will make me a hypocrite. But I don’t know if you tell me to make me feel some kind of way!

It is scary how easy it was for me to stop contact with you – if you read any of my previous posts, I thought I was in Love! We arrange to meet up – I wanted to wish you well. But then you text me in the day to tell me you can’t. Later that day, I have a car accident. Nothing major – I am safe and cosmetic damage to the car. You call me around midnight to tell me you went to dinner with the girl you slept with. And that is it for me. I know you didn’t know I had an accident but the fact that you blew me off for someone who is random (as far as I am concerned) is enough for me to cut all ties. You tell me that I wouldn’t have seen you – we had made plans so why wouldn’t I have? I tell you our friendship is over. I had tried to call you but you didn’t answer. I make it clear that we can never be friends because I can never call you in a time of need because I know that you might not be able to answer. You won’t be able to explain to whomever you’re with who I am. And what kinda friendship is that?

And with that I am done. I unfollow you on all social media. I don’t answer your calls. I don’t reply to messages. And you soon get the hint. I see pictures on Instagram from the Hindu ceremony and you look happy. She looks happy. And whilst I know that morally what I did wasn’t correct, I don’t regret it.

The Boy – An Intro: We meet on a night out. We share a taxi home and in my drunken state I give you my number. You call me as soon as the taxi drops me off outside my front door. We are on the phone until I think I pass out (I think – my phone battery dead when I check it in the morning!). You’re younger than me. Recently separated and with alcohol dependency issues. I should have run a fucking marathon away from you! But there is something about you that keeps me around. You make me smile. Friends we say. But I don’t understand how people can be just friends with someone they talk to morning, noon and night. Clearly I am going to develop feelings for you. And slowly our “friendship” evolves. You end up in hospital about a month into our friendship – and I am there for the duration – 4 days and 4 nights by your side – only going to your parent’s house to have a shower. You have met my family. My siblings, my parents and some of my closest friends. Introducing you as my friend. I am honest with you about everything – The Guy, Baba, S – the exes of my past. You tell me that you can’t commit to me (yet) and that we take things as they come. I am OK with this. But inevitably I am not seeing anyone else, I don’t want anyone else and it is clear that I am committed to you. But I accept the label of…. well whatever “this” is. But I make it clear that I can’t continue past December. I can’t wait for something that might never come.

But I am silly – yesterday I looked through your phone. I have trust issues. I am needy and in basic words, I am downright crazy – my past relationships have made me feel a type of way that I shouldn’t. I had some doubts about you and a friend of yours. You always confirmed that nothing had happened. But there are videos and pictures of her that suggest otherwise.

I tell you that I have seen them and you carry on denying it. But I have seen them. And you begin to make me doubt myself. I tell you that I am done. You tell me you love me. That you have fallen in love with me. But I don’t believe you. Besides, even if I did – I can’t be with someone who lies. I have been in that position before and it broke me.

I didn’t realise that I would be this upset. Yesterday when I saw your phone I was just relieved that I hadn’t been imagining things. But today I haven’t stopped crying. I thought it might be different. But it is the same cycle. Love. Heartbreak. Repeat.

 

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The Date is Set

July 15th.

I thought I would be more upset than I am. I have written so many memos to myself of how I am/have been feeling at any given time during this “relationship”. And yet I have known now for a week and I still haven’t written anything.

I am genuinely happy for you. Well not happy that you are committing to something that you say don’t really want. But happy that you are doing the right thing (in some way I guess) by her, by your family and by your loved ones.

I have told you previously that as soon as you get married, I would leave. You told me right at the beginning that this would stop but you have changed the narrative. But I can’t be that person. At the same time, I know you are my best friend. I can’t imagine not telling you my inane nonsense. Or listening to your drunken ramblings.

I would like to believe that we are completely honest with each other and I think that is why this has gone so well. Because I have nothing to hide from you.

We meet on a night out – we knew we were going but you with your friends and I with mine. We share a drink at the bar and a cheeky kiss as I pass you on my way to the dancefloor. But I meet a guy (I’m drunk and my inhibitions are lapse to say the least!). I give him my number and we have been speaking for the last 2 weeks. Every day. I tell you – partly because I want you to know but mainly because I want to make you jealous (petty games I know). I don’t think it works. Your voice doesn’t waver, you don’t really pay no mind. And I am slightly gutted. But he is nice. He makes me laugh to the point where I am wheezing! And I think he could be good for me.

I see you yesterday and we share a drink – you considerably more than me and I can see you are tipsy. You ask me about the other guy. You tell me that you are jealous that he is getting so much of my time – that he gets to enjoy my company. I ask if you want me to keep talking to you about him – about how things progress with him and you say yes. I don’t understand. Glutton for punishment? Ego trip? I don’t know.

All I know if I enjoy your company. We get on. And we’re friends. Maybe it going to be me that will pull the plug. Who the hell knows?! :/

The Same Mistake

Why do I keep making the same mistake or taking the same decisions and expecting different results?

I am my own worst enemy. Remember the guy (because I can hardly call him the boy!)? He asked to see me shortly after the drama that ensued when she told her father about him. We went from talking every day for at least 12 hours of the day – to 30 mins of rushed catch up. Of course that was hard – but I told myself, you can do this. He wasn’t mine to begin with. I didn’t want to agree but of course my heart overruled my head. He got in my car and sat down in the passenger seat. I curled up cross legged in the driver seat facing him. It took all of my will power to not reach out and caress his face, touch his hand or have some form of physical contact. He looked tired.I told him as such “You look shit!”. He laughed – “I knew you’d be honest with me. How are you?”.

Oh the numerous ways that I could answer that. Was it ironic that I am so honest with him and in that moment I couldn’t be? I deflected and asked him “Don’t worry about me – how are you doing?” He took my hand up to his cheek – “I missed you. I didn’t know this was going to happen so quickly”

“But we knew it was going to happen and at least it has now – better for you.”

I leaned over to get my handbag from the back seat and he kissed me – it was unexpected. There was something so different about it. A sense of urgency. I should have pulled away – but heart on sleeve wearer – I know where my emotions lie and I couldn’t pull away. I didn’t know if this was my last time feeling his touch. So I let him. I let him kiss me, and when he hugged me tight – I held on just as hard.

That was nearly 7 weeks ago. And since then I haven’t given him up. We are so similar in so many ways – and we have so much in common – it is uncanny! Our outlook on life, our music tastes, our sense of humour – just – it all seems to click.

We have had some intense conversations – Does he wish he’d met me before her? A question I shouldn’t ask but I do – because I am tipsy and loved up and my emotions are not in check. “Yes” and so I berate him for telling me what I want to hear.

Our schedules mean we don’t see each other for a week. And the following I am away – in a country where the time zone is not convenient. When he calls, our conversation is cut short most often than not as I am on holiday with family. He texts me telling he can’t wait until I am back – missing out conversations. In all honesty, I agree with him – our conversations are the best – they are filled with so much randomness and rubbish. Silences are not common and if they are they are certainly not uncomfortable.

I see him the day I return home. And as we are there in each other’s company – he tells me something has changed. I ask him what? But he doesn’t elaborate. I can tell he missed me. And I can see in the way he looks at me (but I am crap at reading people – S and Baba clearly are testament to that!) that he cares for me. We have an amazing time together. I profess my love for him and he does the same. Later on, I realise the change he implied – it wasn’t lust any more. I don’t think it ever had been just lust. But now we’re fucked. Because he missed me more than he should have done. He missed my conversation. He missed me. And it works both ways. I  missed him. I missed his conversation – but I have been missing his conversation since the drama unfolded. I have got used to it. But I never told him so.

Why are we like this? Because I know she has left her family for him. So we’re both shits basically.

It has become so bad, that I writing memos to myself. Because I don’t want to blog about it yet but I want to document how I am feeling. I want to remember everything. How I feel at this particular moment in time.

We said we would stop. I told him it would have to be him that pulls the plug – but the other day he changed the narrative – what if he doesn’t? And I said I don’t know.