5 months and counting

I don’t know what I am doing really. I have been consistently writing memos to myself. I read them back to myself – and out of 30 – 2 are maybe “sad” – the others all the happy moments.

The guy and me did this thing in the beginning – “Are you happy?” we would ask each other – giving us the opportunity to be honest with each other. And we used to ask each other this pretty much every week. And my answer has always been yes – his too! Cue about 4 weeks ago, he raised the point that we hadn’t asked each other in a while (maybe a month) and I knew why – because I was genuinely happy – it never crossed my mind that I should ask. I told him as such and I told him that he hadn’t asked either and he said the same. We have been genuinely happy – the situation is so shitty. But when we spend time together, when we talk to each other – we are happy.

He has become more familiar now – conversations are littered with “baby” and that in itself is enough to melt my heart – I am trying to not get attached. I mean, I am attached but I know what the outcome is.

I started writing this in February – and I never got around to publishing it. It is now almost mid March and nothing has really changed.

Our conversations are very candid. We are honest with each other and that is a breath of fresh air to me.

I wish things could be so different.

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The Same Mistake

Why do I keep making the same mistake or taking the same decisions and expecting different results?

I am my own worst enemy. Remember the guy (because I can hardly call him the boy!)? He asked to see me shortly after the drama that ensued when she told her father about him. We went from talking every day for at least 12 hours of the day – to 30 mins of rushed catch up. Of course that was hard – but I told myself, you can do this. He wasn’t mine to begin with. I didn’t want to agree but of course my heart overruled my head. He got in my car and sat down in the passenger seat. I curled up cross legged in the driver seat facing him. It took all of my will power to not reach out and caress his face, touch his hand or have some form of physical contact. He looked tired.I told him as such “You look shit!”. He laughed – “I knew you’d be honest with me. How are you?”.

Oh the numerous ways that I could answer that. Was it ironic that I am so honest with him and in that moment I couldn’t be? I deflected and asked him “Don’t worry about me – how are you doing?” He took my hand up to his cheek – “I missed you. I didn’t know this was going to happen so quickly”

“But we knew it was going to happen and at least it has now – better for you.”

I leaned over to get my handbag from the back seat and he kissed me – it was unexpected. There was something so different about it. A sense of urgency. I should have pulled away – but heart on sleeve wearer – I know where my emotions lie and I couldn’t pull away. I didn’t know if this was my last time feeling his touch. So I let him. I let him kiss me, and when he hugged me tight – I held on just as hard.

That was nearly 7 weeks ago. And since then I haven’t given him up. We are so similar in so many ways – and we have so much in common – it is uncanny! Our outlook on life, our music tastes, our sense of humour – just – it all seems to click.

We have had some intense conversations – Does he wish he’d met me before her? A question I shouldn’t ask but I do – because I am tipsy and loved up and my emotions are not in check. “Yes” and so I berate him for telling me what I want to hear.

Our schedules mean we don’t see each other for a week. And the following I am away – in a country where the time zone is not convenient. When he calls, our conversation is cut short most often than not as I am on holiday with family. He texts me telling he can’t wait until I am back – missing out conversations. In all honesty, I agree with him – our conversations are the best – they are filled with so much randomness and rubbish. Silences are not common and if they are they are certainly not uncomfortable.

I see him the day I return home. And as we are there in each other’s company – he tells me something has changed. I ask him what? But he doesn’t elaborate. I can tell he missed me. And I can see in the way he looks at me (but I am crap at reading people – S and Baba clearly are testament to that!) that he cares for me. We have an amazing time together. I profess my love for him and he does the same. Later on, I realise the change he implied – it wasn’t lust any more. I don’t think it ever had been just lust. But now we’re fucked. Because he missed me more than he should have done. He missed my conversation. He missed me. And it works both ways. I  missed him. I missed his conversation – but I have been missing his conversation since the drama unfolded. I have got used to it. But I never told him so.

Why are we like this? Because I know she has left her family for him. So we’re both shits basically.

It has become so bad, that I writing memos to myself. Because I don’t want to blog about it yet but I want to document how I am feeling. I want to remember everything. How I feel at this particular moment in time.

We said we would stop. I told him it would have to be him that pulls the plug – but the other day he changed the narrative – what if he doesn’t? And I said I don’t know.

Tindering

Tinder is not for me I don’t think – actually maybe dating isn’t for me. I had had a few matches and I have actually had a little bit of chat with some of the men on there. But I fear the art of being a gentleman is being lost in the generations of today. So far I have been sent 5 pictures of d*cks, 1 video of a gentleman stroking his d*ck and some topless photos (these aren’t so bad!). I guess that is the generation of Snapchat. The fact that you can send a video/picture and know that it will disappear in 10 seconds.

Men are so quick to talk about sex though – I mean, I am no prude by any means but surely guys know that women are not that quick to talk about sex (purely I think because of the slut shaming that still goes on society – unfortunate I know!). Also, at least try and lull me into a false sense of security. Pretend that you somewhat have an interest in me other than just the fact that the thought of my lips satisfying you turns you on! Honestly, I have looked at my lips in a different light since joining Tinder. My photos are all of me fully clothed with bright eyes and big smiles. But men don’t see this!

You can only communicate with someone on Tinder if they have matched you as well. So last week, I matched someone and he started talking to me. I was like OK – I’m bored at work, let me entertain myself. He was keen to meet and I was going out that evening in the city centre. So I thought let me kill two birds with one stone – this way, I only have to make the effort once! I agreed to meet him at a tube station before I met my friends. We didn’t exchange numbers. So imagine my surprise when I went to message him to tell him that I was running late that he had unmatched me!! So was I supposed to still meet him? He made such an effort to get me to agree so I don’t understand the point of this. I don’t even know what he looked like – that’s how bad it was! I walked past the station we were supposed to meet to realise that there are three exits! I can’t make this shit up. I literally just walked past and hoped that there wasn’t anybody waiting for me!

I think Tinder has done what I needed it to though, which is give my ego a boost – which it was in desperate need of! 🙂

 

Boys

Baba and I went to 2 weddings over the weekend for people that he knows. We hadn’t seen each other all week. I really think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Highlight was him making sure all my pieces of lamb were off the bone as he put it onto my plate. The simplest gesture with massive amounts of love.

On another note, S text me yesterday. I am used to the Happy New Year/Merry Christmas texts – I haven’t ever once responded to any of them. And I always assumed them to be generic – sent to everybody in his phone book. But this one, this one was different. “Hello stubborn female”. Really? What does he expect? For me to text back and forgive him? Let him back into my life.

I won’t respond but I hate when he does things like this. Throws me off my path in life.

The Wrong Signature

Yesterday as I typed my (LONG) surname into an email, the spellcheck highlighted it. Now this is not strange as there are so many letters in it so sometimes I mistype them. As I checked, I coudl see that I typed it right so why hadn’t it been picked up by my aceepted words that are in the dictionary?

 

As I checked my email signature, I saw that I had typed my name in incorrectly the first time and this is what I had been sending out all this time.

#sadtimes when you can’t even spell your own surname.

A Catch Up

This is going to be a very haphazard post. Believe me – there will be no flow to it. In fact, it’ll be lots of little snippets of what has been happening. I might just even bullet point it in chronological to form some sort of order.

  • I’m another year older. Oh my God this sucks. I didn’t want to celebrate too much this year and in a bid to introduce baba to my family, I invited a few friends over for lunch/dinner. Baba agreed and in the days leading up to it, I was overcome with nerves. My mother has spoken to him on Skype before so that wasn’t so bad – but he’s never spoken to my father. And we all know that fathers are the ones boys have to convince if they want to marry their daughter (not that I’m saying we will get married but “if” opens a whole world of possibilities! Thankfully he was the first to arrive with flowers for myself, my mum and my sister. And then my mum had to rush off. So once my other friends had all arrived, we sat and chilled. After food was served, my friends and I retreated to the living room. I thought baba would join us but instead he spent the next four hours talking and joking with my dad and my siblings (and my mother once she’d come back!). I would like to think it was a success, but you can never be too sure! I also received a very beautiful cake courtesy of baba. In fact he may have come out of this alright! 🙂
  • I hate my job. Seriously – the new job is not how I thought it would be. There’s not enough structure to the role and I really need that with a job. Especially a new one. I’m only 6 months in but I would like to apply for a new one.
  • The AP has cut down on their drinking. It’s been great *touch wood* – I don’t know how long it will last for but at this moment in time I am so content with it.
  • Baba – we have out ups and downs – we are a flawed couple. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me but sometimes I think our differences will be our downfall. I am scared of getting hurt. Scared that I have become this vulnerable. That he has this effect on me. We have been together for a while and I still get butterflies every time I talk to him and he is on my mind constantly – this can’t be good for either of us.
  • Random snippet of conversations:
  1. “You are so beautiful. I was looking at photos of us together – we are so hot together” – modesty at its best!
  2. “You will make a better man out of me – and for that I love you.” – causing my heart to burst with love.
  3. “I know I do stupid things – but I can’t lose you. Please don’t hurt me” – causing my heart to break.

Confused and unsure – not a good place to be in right now.

  • There was a Jodeci/Blackstreet/SWV concert on over the weekend. Many of my friends went but apparently Jodeci were so bad, they got booed off the stage (one of them may have even fallen off the stage!). I was working with a girl on the weekend who is 21 and I mentioned about the concert. Her response “Who’s that?”. She didn’t even know what Sweet Valley High was! This generation is a lost cause! To be fair, she didn’t know that Egypt was in Africa either and I shouldn’t judge but come on?!!!!
  • The weather in Britain is cold. I want the spring to start. I miss the sun. It’s getting everyone down – I really want to wear a nice skirt or a nice shirt that is not layered up with thick woolen tights or with jumpers masking it! I want to be pretty again!

And that sums up what has been happening (in a nut shell).

Happy birthday to me! 🙂

Be Over Already!

Valentine’s Day. Just come and go already. What an overrated celebration. Since I have started this blog, my Valentine’s Day posts have been mainly me griping. You’d think that this year, what with me being in a relationship and all, I’d be all loved up and raring to go to celebrate the Holiday of Lurve. But I wish it was over already.

“Baba – are we celebrating Valentine’s? (I’m so romantic aren’t I?!). I mean, it doesn’t need to be Valentine’s Day for me to take you out, buy you a gift or a card. Do I have to buy you a card?”

And my boyfriend is so understanding in that he said it was up to me what I wanted to do. Because I really don’t need him to do all of this.

I walked into a well-known card shop the other day with the thought of buying him a card but I was sooooo overwhelmed. I mean, do I get him lovey-dovey/cute/funny/cheeky – the choice is endless. And do I get boyfriend/be my Valentine/one I love… There are soooo many ways I could offend or scare the poor guy.

So to all those that are single and not celebrating, I’m a little envious because Valentine’s Day scares the crap out of me.

Never Start A Diet Just Before The Festive Season

I joined WeightWatchers 3 weeks ago. Because in 3 months I turn 30 a milestone birthday. And I have seen a beautiful dress that I want to wear. And I want to look all glam (what girl doesn’t?!). So far, I have lost seven and a half pounds. That’s half a stone! I’m well impressed. But in the build up to Christmas I don’t think I’ll survive! Wish me luck! 🙂