I am still on Tinder. I mean, it gives the ego boost I need once in a while. No dick pics in a while but boys are quick to offer. I met a really nice guy. At least he came across as super nice. He asked me out on a date. And I said yes because he looked handsome enough and sounded normal enough after our phone conversation. But he keeps sending me mixed signals. Man. Why must these things be so hard?
Tinder is not for me I don’t think – actually maybe dating isn’t for me. I had had a few matches and I have actually had a little bit of chat with some of the men on there. But I fear the art of being a gentleman is being lost in the generations of today. So far I have been sent 5 pictures of d*cks, 1 video of a gentleman stroking his d*ck and some topless photos (these aren’t so bad!). I guess that is the generation of Snapchat. The fact that you can send a video/picture and know that it will disappear in 10 seconds.
Men are so quick to talk about sex though – I mean, I am no prude by any means but surely guys know that women are not that quick to talk about sex (purely I think because of the slut shaming that still goes on society – unfortunate I know!). Also, at least try and lull me into a false sense of security. Pretend that you somewhat have an interest in me other than just the fact that the thought of my lips satisfying you turns you on! Honestly, I have looked at my lips in a different light since joining Tinder. My photos are all of me fully clothed with bright eyes and big smiles. But men don’t see this!
You can only communicate with someone on Tinder if they have matched you as well. So last week, I matched someone and he started talking to me. I was like OK – I’m bored at work, let me entertain myself. He was keen to meet and I was going out that evening in the city centre. So I thought let me kill two birds with one stone – this way, I only have to make the effort once! I agreed to meet him at a tube station before I met my friends. We didn’t exchange numbers. So imagine my surprise when I went to message him to tell him that I was running late that he had unmatched me!! So was I supposed to still meet him? He made such an effort to get me to agree so I don’t understand the point of this. I don’t even know what he looked like – that’s how bad it was! I walked past the station we were supposed to meet to realise that there are three exits! I can’t make this shit up. I literally just walked past and hoped that there wasn’t anybody waiting for me!
I think Tinder has done what I needed it to though, which is give my ego a boost – which it was in desperate need of! 🙂
That point when you can start flirting with people and you know that whatever happened was because that was what the world intended.
My colleague is on Tinder. Now I know that Tinder is renowned for being a hook up site but she wanted someone to talk to about her antics and a comrade in arms as such. So she forced me to join. I didn’t have anything to lose. I mean, I had tried to join a few times in the past, but literally deleted the app after a day each time. But this time my run has lasted a week.
I am not sure how I feel about Tinder. It’s a great distraction app – bored? Just log in and swipe (mostly left in my case!). The few occasions I have swiped right, I have been surprised to see that it is a mutual swipe (especially the young ones!) – I mean the text messages that I received from Baba’s new wife would lead you to believe that I am hideous. And there were instances where I believed I might have been!
However, the guys don’t seem to want to message first. I know that in the 21st Century that it shouldn’t be expected and I don’t but my colleague swears by The Rules so I thought let’s give it a go. To be fair, I am taking this all with a pinch of salt. I don’t know if I am ready for dating or anything. But I am definitely happy flirting and being found attractive.
In Baba news – my number has changed and I don’t receive calls from anybody associated with that aspect of my life. It is a relief. Prior to it changing, I received a call from him – and I spoke with him at length. He sounded unhappy. And I asked him why? There were no answers. I don’t think there ever will be. But I think the closure is that I have accepted that this was all him. I could not have loved him harder or better in all of my capacity.
Work have just asked me if I want to go to Toronto. Hell yeah! My manager always asks me in such a way that he makes it sound like an inconvenience! What he doesn’t realise that I love the fact that I get the opportunity to travel at the expense of my job.
Toronto – let’s go! 🙂
It is inevitable that I write a post toasting the New Year. I had made a decision towards the end of 2015 that I would be done with Baba. He continues to call but I have changed my number and as of the 23rd of January, he shouldn’t be able to contact me (my old number will cease to exist!). I am hoping by then he will have given up. I am sad to see my old telephone number go though. It’s the only thing that has remained constant in my life in the last 12 years. But I came into 2016 super positive. And I hope it stays that way. I don’t miss him or the companionship anymore. In fact, I feel like it is a great weight off of my shoulders and genuinely I am happy.
I only have two resolutions:
- Be kind to people. And by that I mean kinder to people I don’t know. Not that I am not innately kind in general. But I think I am going to try to do more.
- Try not to be so flakey. Like I am the worst. I will “commit” to something. And then when the times come to follow through, I would much rather slit my wrists! Getting me out is the problem – once I am out, then it’s all good but I hate the rigmarole of having to get ready to go out – why isn’t it acceptable for me to go out in my pyjamas with bedhead and no make up?! (There are still going to be times when I am flakey but hopefully not as often!)
Today I had my first cry of the year – I don’t know if it’s because my hormones are in overdrive or just because. But I cried reading this and this. The first link because it is so nice to see people celebrate their faith – whatever it is. I know in the last year my faith has increased dramatically. I am not a religious person by any means. But I believe in God. And I have faith in God. In whatever form I choose to worship/believe in him – he has saved me from myself. For that I am thankful. The second link because it just shows me that however shit I might be feeling, there are others who have it worse than I do. And if they can get on and do it, so can I!
I have so much to look forward to this year – work though increasingly busy is going well *touch wood*. I will have a new line manager soon who is US based and I think she wants me over there a few times this year for work. I have mentioned that I would be happy to move over there for 3-6 months (how incredible would that be?!). My siblings – my biggest supporters and my strongest allies. I am truly blessed to have two younger siblings who bully the life out of me. My parents – growing older and more fragile . A harsh reality that I am not sure I want to face. Hell, not sure I can face it. But needs must. My friends – B trusted me with her son over the weekend (the younger one who is 6 months) and he is still alive and well! My friends who have my back. I may not have many, but the ones I do have are my family.
In the words of the illustrious DJ Khaled – “They don’t want us to win, but we gon win!”
(I love DJ Khaled).
Happy New Year to you all and your loved ones!
Being the daughter of an alcoholic is hard.
Since my last post, I have been to Moscow, Russia – did I mention how truly blessed I am to have a job that I enjoy and gives me the opportunity to see places in the world that I might not have otherwise? If I haven’t – please let me be thankful for that.
I wasn’t looking forward to spending time alone with my thoughts. I know what I am like when I am alone. I know that I will over think things. But then something happened just before I went away. This situation is so effed up that even The Jeremy Kyle Show would be slightly surprised (maybe?).
My ex’s child bride called me. She had seen a text in his phone from me (For someone who is so good at erasing text messages and call logs I’m thoroughly surprised!). She accused me of harassing her husband! Once I had got over this indignation, I politely asked her to discuss with her husband who is harassing who. And I asked her that if she is having marital problems, she should leave me out of it. I then blocked her number. And then the ex called me. From Bangladesh. Asking why I had called his wife – where does he think I would have got her number from?! I said to him “Your lies are going to kill you”. Promptly hung up and blocked that number as well. And at that moment, I felt like a weight had lifted. Only a few moments before all this had happened, I had made the decision that I would not speak to the other woman. Because as I said previously, I was speaking to her in a bid to keep the ex close. But I didn’t want that. A realisation that I had come to all by myself (this was progress!).
I then went to Russia and had an amazing time and did not think of this situation at all.
It has been two weeks since this happened. I have gone to sleep every night with a light head and a clean heart. I am in a good place. I am not hideous looking – confirmed by more than one young man who I have smiled at (and/or kissed!). I have told my sister what happened (in short) and I have started to tell close friends – and not once did I break down in tears or did my voice break.
I know that I was too good for him. I mean, I thought our differences made us compatible. But he wouldn’t have fitted in my lifestyle. I know hindsight is a great thing – I do. I know now I needed this lesson. I needed this to guide me away from my naivety that everyone is kind and that things are not what they seem on the surface – that I need to scratch that little bit more. That being said, I also know that I can’t stop wearing my heart on my sleeve just because of this. I know that my feelings for him were pure. That if anything he has cheated himself out of what would have been innocent and pure love. It is his loss.
I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt. Of course, in love, there is no greater hurt than betrayal (at least that’s what I think) and that hurts.
Makes Made me feel worthless. But I know I am worth so much more to others. Worth so much more to myself.
I remember saying last time my heart was broken – never underestimate the kindness of strangers. To those that have commented – your words have been so comforting and I am so thankful that not only do I have a blog to pour out my emotions but that I have people who read and take the time to comment. Thank you so much.
As begins this new chapter in my life, here is my new policy – smile at everyone, flirt with everyone and whatever is meant to be will be.
You would have thought 4 weeks away would have been good for me. But 3 weeks having to pretend to my family that I was OK took its toll.
He called me whilst I was away – several times. Telling me loves me, misses me. I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.
Today I keep think about how could he do that to me? How can you hurt someone you love so bad? Was it my fault? Am I to blame? Why wasn’t I good enough? And I know none of the responsibility of his cheating is on me. But how can he seem to get away with it.
The lady that he cheated on me with (one of many) messages me. I don’t know if I reply so that through her I can still keep him close. I don’t want to know what is happening with him, but at the same time I do. She still sees him, talks to him and has him in her life daily. I cannot comprehend their relationship (she has a partner!). Out of the women that I know he has cheated on me with, it seems I am the only one with morals. Reading of quotes does not help me. I am constantly sad. I want this to go away. I want to feel loved – like I am good enough for love.
I wish I could explain to somebody how my heart aches. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about this.
I have tried so hard not to cry. But I need to. However, the tears are not enough. I do not know how to exorcise myself of him. Of the relationship. Of the good memories I have. I have deleted everything. But I miss him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I miss the moments that might have been genuine.
I will be on travels from tomorrow – 4 weeks of being away from reality. He called me yesterday (number withheld). I answered because I didn’t know who it was. He blew me kisses down the phone. I told him “Don’t do this. Don’t you have anything better to do?” And every time I said to him don’t do this he blew me a kiss. I should have hung up as soon as I realised it was him. I’m not sure why I didn’t. I made the mistake of asking him – “what’s wrong?” to which he replied “I miss you too much and I will always love you regardless”. And at that point I hung up.
It threw me. Why would he do that? He’s engaged to be married. He betrayed me. He lied to me. That is not love. I know this. But it took me a while to get back to my train of thought – “What a dick!”
It nearly took my recovery back a few steps but not to worry – I am worth so much more than what he deserves.
Is he mental? I think he might be. He called me repeatedly on Friday – whilst I was out having fun! And has now just sent me a Skype request?! I have no idea what is going through the fucker’s mind but seriously how fucked up is that?
(Apologies for the language – I rarely swear but he brings out this side of me that is not good!)