My Purpose

I have kind of been flitting in and out of online dating – it’s a means to an end but it is laborious and time consuming and I don’t put in the effort I should to reap the rewards that I want.

I recently started speaking to a guy – same background as me. A colourful past though – not someone who I would consider introducing to my parents – but you know bad things happen to good people – we cannot let our pasts define us.

The conversation flowed so easily – I didn’t think about his past at all – I don’t know why. We spoke so often and it seemed inevitable for us to meet. The evening before we were due to meet, he called me and we were chatting our inane nonsense before he told me had something to tell me. He told me that there was someone else as well. And he’d met her before me. So I told him , I would make things easy – I deleted everything and told him that we wouldn’t meet. I was sensible. And that my friends is where all sensibility stopped.

He called me later that night “as friends” – we spoke for over 4 hours. Just stupid things and we agreed that we would have a drink. Nothing had been set in stone with the other girl. So a harmless drink. But a harmless drink turned into dinner which ended up with me kissing him.

We have since seen other a few times, and each time we have had fun. We speak and message constantly. I was slightly optimistic (perhaps that’s where I went wrong). The parameters of what we were doing had not been defined. I think I was happy with that. We were just two people who enjoyed each other’s company.

And then yesterday happened. The other girl told her father that he was the one. It was inevitable. I kind of knew that this was the end goal and there would be nothing between us.

He called me this morning to explain the situation. She has basically sacrificed everything for him and I know this.

I told him , I had served Fate’s/God’s purpose for me in his life. I was there to distract him. And that there was nothing more that I could give. He disagreed. But I have made it clear, that I can’t be in his life. It wouldn’t be fair on anybody.

But it left me wondering – is my purpose to be a stopping gap for these men.

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Untitled

I spent my time in the shower this morning crying. I don’t even know why. Well I guess I kind of do. Why did God put me through such heartbreak? Like what did I do that he thought that I needed that lesson? I have been thinking a lot about what happened with me and O. And everything I felt just feels so worthless. What a waste of 4 years of my life.

I have been on some dates with someone. I think he likes me. But I am so scared to give myself up to that again.  He appears to be the complete opposite of O. But then I was such bad judge of character before, what says I won’t be again.

How can someone enjoy their own company and still feel lonely?

Why do I overthink things?

Humbling

I feel lonely today. The kind of lonely that hurts my soul. I don’t want to tell anyone else. Just because, what can they do? I don’t want to bring them down and I don’t want to be a burden for them. Whilst I know my friends care about me, they don’t need my heartache.

I think I know what triggered it too. As we all know, I am on a dating website. I met a guy not long after O and I. We went on a few dates and I told him I wasn’t interested. He blocked me and that was that. Until mid last year, he found me again on said dating website and insisted that he’d like to take me out. I said, we can try being friends (not that I need anymore and this was quite shitty behaviour on my part – my ego needed a boost – not my finest moment.  I should have just ignored him so I know!). But I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in him like that after a few conversations and again he blocked me. Last week he found me again (3 for 3!) and said he wanted to see me. I said nothing had changed. But he persisted. So I gave him my number (God, I am such a dickhead!). But I told him that I want stability, I want marriage and I want long term. I also told him that I know his religion is important to him and it would make things complicated for us. He said, he doesn’t “see race, creed or colour”. And he was like – I wouldn’t expect anything else. But I said let’s see how it goes. Cue this morning, he text me saying he met up with his ex last night and that they’re going to give it another go (which is great for them – honestly). But what fucked me off is the whole – she’s the same religion as me and that’s what I wanted. We wouldn’t have gone anywhere and it would have been a waste of time.

Er.. OK? So we’ve established that I am a complete and utter dickhead. Not only for giving him the time of day twice more than necessary. But because he thinks that this was acceptable behaviour?

And then I felt like that this is God’s way of humbling me. Because I think for a slight minute, I may have felt overly good about myself that here was a guy who actually wanted to be with me, who understood what I wanted, who is probably a nice guy (maybe) and well maybe it was my time.

2017

Gosh, it has been a while hasn’t it? I haven’t had the urge to write. I mean, life has been on going – I have been doing things that are blog worthy but my heart hasn’t been in it.

A recap of Aug – Dec: I became unhappy at work – office politics will do that to people and it is a shame that senior management don’t understand.

I joined WW in August (in a bid to lose some weight before my US trip!) and currently am 17lbs down – I am a slow loser (in weight loss – a quick loser in life!).

As a result, I started a new job in October – with a company I have previously worked for. 3 months in and I don’t know if it was the right decision but time will tell.

November saw me travel to LA, Las Vegas and Yosemite National Park with my siblings. My sister’s boyfriend joined us as well on this trip – his first time abroad. It is funny how an extra person can change the dynamics so easily. I didn’t enjoy Vegas and LA so much – I’ve been there before and they are not cities that touch my heart. Yosemite was an amazing experience. We were lucky enough to get there before the snow started to fall and roads started to close so we saw all that we needed to see (including a bear!).

I moved out of home in early December – away from my parents and siblings. Not so far, 4 miles at most but I am still away from them. I see them a lot (every weekend). Working from home and living by myself as meant that I need to find other ways to get out of the house. What I have realised though, is that living by yourself is not all that it is cracked up to be. Cooking for one person continuously is a chore. Eating the same meal for lunch because of leftovers is not ideal. And they don’t sell things in the grocery store for one person! Though I am trying to learn new things to cook. What living by myself has taught me is that I like to learn – I am looking at recipes and trying things that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to at home.

You might realise I left out September – purposely I might add. September saw O re-enter my life. It must have been a moment of madness. He had messaged me on an old Skype account and I replied. We spoke erratically. He asked to see me, told me he missed me and the spiel that I guess I needed to hear. We met up and old feelings stirred. He was everything he was in the beginning. In my head, I was screaming at myself “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”, but your heart does not always hear that. I know he did wrong by me. I know. And I know that I do not want to be the other woman. I have since put the final nail in that coffin. I know picking at wounds does not make them heal.

And now we are in 2017 – I think I am trying to love myself. It’s hard. I feel as though everyone I know has settled down and are living that dream of having a family and children. Some days I question, do I want children? Or is it because that is what is expected of me? Is there a reason why God hasn’t presented me with this opportunity? Would I not make a good mum? So much revolves around finding somebody to love you. Unconditionally. Most often than not, I question why that eludes me.

 

Emotive

I am an emotive person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face can tell you what I am feeling – #PokerFaceGameNotStrong.

As much as I love my job, I am not happy with the office atmosphere. The relationships within the larger team are very cliquey. I have recently become of the ilk that if I am not part of the change then I am part of the problem. So rather than complain and moan to my peers, I decided to apply for a job. It wasn’t planned. I mean, I was going to start looking but I was on LinkedIn and a job came up (with a company that I had previously worked with) that was closer to home (in my industry, the companies are located in a cluster about 20-40 miles away). On a whim, I applied. It turned out that I had previously worked with the hiring manager. Not directly but she knew who I was. Following a telephone interview, I had a face to face interview. I didn’t think I fared very well. But the hiring manager contacted the VP of the department whom I had previously worked with at this company who gave me a glowing reference. And so, within 24 hours of my face to face interview, I was offered the job.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make in a long time. A lot of my colleagues that I work directly with are not based in the office. And they have been incredible to me! So it pains me that the folk in the office have lead me to this decision. Breaking the news to my LM was hard. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay (the new position is home based) including working from home (WFH). But I was honest with him. I said, I don’t want you to persuade me to stay and then in 8 months I feel the same as I do now and I apply for jobs again – it wouldn’t have been fair on either of us. So on Friday, I handed in my resignation. I have had one of the senior directors reach out to me expressing his sadness (well I think sadness is a bit of an extreme word to use but you know what I mean right?!). This is in turn made me sad. I mean, not blowing my own trumpet but I am a valued member of the team. I bring wit and compassion to the table and I think it is really appreciated here.

I have a 3 month notice period which I am trying to negotiate down to 2 – who wants to announce they are leaving and stay for 3 months?!  I am truly unsure if I am doing the right thing. I have been here 3 years now (the longest I have been at any job) and I don’t know if it the length that is making me question this decision.

Surely God/Fate would not have presented the opportunity if it wasn’t meant to be?

How long as it been?!

Oh gosh, it has been so long. Nearly two months. A quick summary of my life:

Two trips to the USA. The first incorporating Whittier, CA (a sleepy “city” where the highlight of my trip was being the only non-Mexican in a Mexican supermarket – so much fun!), Portland, OR (which has firmly become my favourite city (a whole separate post when I get some time!)) and King of Prussia, PA (to visit our offices and where it rained the whole time I was there!). I think I ate a years worth of food in the two weeks I was away this time round.

The second trip was just 4 short days to KOP where the sun shined gloriously until today (when I am about to leave!).

In that time, I have had one date. I had been speaking with this guy for like a month before we met up. In fact, I thought he was super nice considering he made the effort to text me every day whilst I was away and not once did he ask me for a “picture”. We met up shortly after I got back from my first trip away and I thought that it went rather well (just goes to show how much I know!). A few days after though, I could feel that he wasn’t feeling me – you just know right. So I asked him what the deal was, we’d been getting on well, he’d even kissed me so I wasn’t hideous(!). But he said, that it’s probably best that we don’t “see” each other. I will be honest and say I was slightly disappointed (because personality wise – we got on) but hey – if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. Better to cut our ties early rather than late. I deleted all traces of him from my phone book and phone.

Other random news – I dropped my phone whilst I was out here in KOP and it now refuses to turn itself back on. AND I am pissed because I never backed up any of my photos.

I return back to London this evening, where I will need to do some “laundry”, pack and then I leave on Wednesday again for India. This time for pleasure as my friend has her destination wedding.

This is clearly a filler post – I’m sorry that I have to subject you to these random writings! 🙂

When Your Selfie is Fire*

*I believe that this is the term that all the cool kids use when they post a selfie that is on point! I had a date on Saturday night. So I made an effort and when I looked at myself in the mirror – I scrubbed up alright. I know make up makes big difference. Because I rarely look this good, I took a few selfies (as is the norm nowadays!) and one was particularly flattering. So I milked the ish out of it. I posted it as my WhatsApp display picture and guess who decided to message me… this guy! Low key I was super gassed because of how I felt here but at the same time I’d forgotten about him. Onwards and upwards! This post is merely just to show how true this meme is! (I’m all about meme life!)

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But on a side note – I will be off to the land of the free in just over two weeks and I am excited! 🙂

Cancellation

So this trip here was cancelled! I was super sad because I’d arranged to see family whilst I was over there but I guess these things happen.

However, I have since been asked to visit Portland, OR and Whittier, CA – I am super excited. Portland looks incredible. I’ve never been and am really looking forward to exploring.

Any tips are welcome! 🙂

No More Tindering

I was regaling stories to B of the guy from this post. We were supposed to go out yesterday. He confirmed in the morning and then cancelled two hours later. I know something could have genuinely came up so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when I went and checked my Tinder, he wasn’t in my matches any more. So I assumed he unmatched me. I deleted his number out of my phone book and didn’t think he would message me again. Until he did late last night asking if I’d blocked him (because he could longer see my picture via whatsapp!) and accused me of being petty. I think he was jesting. I said no, I just deleted his number and I wasn’t looking for somebody to play games with. He then came out with this big amount of BS about waves and riding the surf with big waves and small waves and I was like “sure (WTF?!). So I just said, not to worry. He also then told me he thinks I am hot. To which I replied there is more to me than being hot! To which he replied that I am a feminist and that this wouldn’t work out. I had such high hopes for him.

So as I was regaling Tinder tales to B, I told her that whilst it was a great ego boost – maybe Tinder wasn’t for me. And her being the bestie that she is said “The problem is that you think you need these fuck boys to validate your worth and you don’t. You are beautiful and you will find someone who loves you for all you are and so much more”. She was right. So with that I deleted Tinder.