You would have thought 4 weeks away would have been good for me. But 3 weeks having to pretend to my family that I was OK took its toll.
He called me whilst I was away – several times. Telling me loves me, misses me. I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.
Today I keep think about how could he do that to me? How can you hurt someone you love so bad? Was it my fault? Am I to blame? Why wasn’t I good enough? And I know none of the responsibility of his cheating is on me. But how can he seem to get away with it.
The lady that he cheated on me with (one of many) messages me. I don’t know if I reply so that through her I can still keep him close. I don’t want to know what is happening with him, but at the same time I do. She still sees him, talks to him and has him in her life daily. I cannot comprehend their relationship (she has a partner!). Out of the women that I know he has cheated on me with, it seems I am the only one with morals. Reading of quotes does not help me. I am constantly sad. I want this to go away. I want to feel loved – like I am good enough for love.
I wish I could explain to somebody how my heart aches. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about this.
I have tried so hard not to cry. But I need to. However, the tears are not enough. I do not know how to exorcise myself of him. Of the relationship. Of the good memories I have. I have deleted everything. But I miss him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I miss the moments that might have been genuine.
I will be on travels from tomorrow – 4 weeks of being away from reality. He called me yesterday (number withheld). I answered because I didn’t know who it was. He blew me kisses down the phone. I told him “Don’t do this. Don’t you have anything better to do?” And every time I said to him don’t do this he blew me a kiss. I should have hung up as soon as I realised it was him. I’m not sure why I didn’t. I made the mistake of asking him – “what’s wrong?” to which he replied “I miss you too much and I will always love you regardless”. And at that point I hung up.
It threw me. Why would he do that? He’s engaged to be married. He betrayed me. He lied to me. That is not love. I know this. But it took me a while to get back to my train of thought – “What a dick!”
It nearly took my recovery back a few steps but not to worry – I am worth so much more than what he deserves.
Is he mental? I think he might be. He called me repeatedly on Friday – whilst I was out having fun! And has now just sent me a Skype request?! I have no idea what is going through the fucker’s mind but seriously how fucked up is that?
(Apologies for the language – I rarely swear but he brings out this side of me that is not good!)
My biggest weakness is not kindness – it’s my ability to do stupid things when I am feeling like shit. I joined Plenty of Fish in a moment of madness. I have heard all about it and how it’s basically like a hook up site. And I am not looking for a hook up! I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know it was just for an ego boost – but I really miss O. Well I miss the familiarity of him. I don’t know. However, PoF has proved to be an ego boost – definitely. But in my moment of weakness, I have agreed to a “date”. What was I thinking?! Arghhhhh.
O getting married to a very young girl – all for money and power. The other woman calls me every day to check if I am OK. Talking to her helps me kind of remain close to O. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. Truly I mean that with all my heart. I want him to find with someone else what he couldn’t find with me. I gave him my all. I invested my time into him. Time that I won’t get back. How can someone pretend and lie so much? Do people not see the damage the that they cause? The only question I have now is why was I so worthless to him?
Kindness. I have too much of it. I am not blowing my own trumpet. But I forgave him the first time. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told myself that I loved him and I could get through this. And yet the wanker goes and does it again (and multiple times I am sure! – Ewwww!).
And again, I found out from the horse’s mouth (per se). When I am ready – I will tell you the whole story. In fact, you couldn’t make this shit up! But I am not ready just yet.
The last few days have not been easy – so many things have not made sense but then so many things do. I was in love with a narcissist. Money and power so much more important that love and compassion. He’s married to a child bride. (well she isn’t a child bride – I don’t want him arrested! but she is very young)
I have known that I haven’t been in love with him for a while. I love him – don’t get me wrong but I am not in love with him. We finished on a high. The last few times when I have tried to walk away it has always been as the result of an argument – my heart not ready to let go. Imagining into the arms of which woman am I sending him to. This time, my heart was ready. We’d had a good trip away. No fighting. Just love and I was happy. I may sound like I am in denial but today the tears have been less.
My best friend – B – she has been amazing. My siblings – amazing. Strangers – amazing.
Put your faith in people – so what if they let you down? There will always be some that exceed expectations and redeem your faith in humanity, compassion and kindness.
The hardest thing about heartache of any kind is pretending to the world that you are doing OK. That nothing is wrong and you carry on with the daily routine knowing that inside you are crumbling.
I have told B, my siblings and a few other people about what has happened. I feel all the better for it.
No part of me in the last 4 days has thought of O. Well not in the concerned sense. I mean I don’t care whether he eats, sleeps or is in trouble. I have thought of the situation, what he has put me through but at the end of it all, I truly believe that this is God’s way of saving me. Saving me from a lifetime of deceit, lies, abuse, debt – the list is endless. I am not going to sit here and demonise our relationship – there was a time when it was the best thing for me and he was what I needed. But now he is not.
What is meant for me will be mine. Until then I will carry on pretending like everything is OK and try not to break down in tears every so often.
The ex-boyfriend (O) has just come back from Bangladesh – where he is building a house. It turns out that he is now engaged. Or married even. Why do bad things happen to good people? He used me. So many revelations in the last 24 hours. All making me question myself. But it wasn’t me that was the problem. I realise that. So I will cry it out and forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was not capable of love.
And then I will forgive him – I won’t carry that burden.
The worst feeling in the world is loneliness. Or so you would think. But worse than that – it when you are surrounded by people you love and you still feel lonely. That is the worst feeling of them all.
Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder in my case. Baba has gone home for a bit. He left yesterday and I didn’t think it would affect me. I mean I haven’t spoken to him properly for a while. But yesterday when he called to tell me goodbye, it hit me how much I still love him. Am I doing the right thing? Can I work through my insecurities? I don’t know.
Hearing him tell me he loves me did not help. Who knows? Maybe these two weeks will be good for me.
I am a sucker for flowers. I know they die after a while. But whilst they are present, they bloom and are beautiful.
I received some beautiful flowers from my honorary Godson (B’s gorgeous son).
Aren’t they beautiful? 3 years old and I am smitten with him. Especially as he sent me a beautiful video in the morning!
Baba also sent me flowers (to my work address no less!). They are absolutely gorgeous and they brought back a whole load of memories. Good ones. I follow a lot of random people on Instagram. And something I read this morning was along the lines of “Don’t let others guide you with illusions of ‘The One’. You determine who is ‘The One’ by being with them.” I think this was quite profound for me in this moment. I know that we never know what happens behind closed doors and that people portray their best moments on social media. I know relationships are hard work. And I think I know deep down that our relationship was not meant to be. But I also know that he is a good guy. I honestly have so much faith in him. To succeed. To make someone happy. And to be the best version of himself for someone. I don’t think that person is me though. I don’t know how I feeling right now. Mixed emotions.
I thanked him enthusiastically. Because they were not necessary. But I love them. The same way I still love him.