Being the daughter of an alcoholic is hard.
Since my last post, I have been to Moscow, Russia – did I mention how truly blessed I am to have a job that I enjoy and gives me the opportunity to see places in the world that I might not have otherwise? If I haven’t – please let me be thankful for that.
I wasn’t looking forward to spending time alone with my thoughts. I know what I am like when I am alone. I know that I will over think things. But then something happened just before I went away. This situation is so effed up that even The Jeremy Kyle Show would be slightly surprised (maybe?).
My ex’s child bride called me. She had seen a text in his phone from me (For someone who is so good at erasing text messages and call logs I’m thoroughly surprised!). She accused me of harassing her husband! Once I had got over this indignation, I politely asked her to discuss with her husband who is harassing who. And I asked her that if she is having marital problems, she should leave me out of it. I then blocked her number. And then the ex called me. From Bangladesh. Asking why I had called his wife – where does he think I would have got her number from?! I said to him “Your lies are going to kill you”. Promptly hung up and blocked that number as well. And at that moment, I felt like a weight had lifted. Only a few moments before all this had happened, I had made the decision that I would not speak to the other woman. Because as I said previously, I was speaking to her in a bid to keep the ex close. But I didn’t want that. A realisation that I had come to all by myself (this was progress!).
I then went to Russia and had an amazing time and did not think of this situation at all.
It has been two weeks since this happened. I have gone to sleep every night with a light head and a clean heart. I am in a good place. I am not hideous looking – confirmed by more than one young man who I have smiled at (and/or kissed!). I have told my sister what happened (in short) and I have started to tell close friends – and not once did I break down in tears or did my voice break.
I know that I was too good for him. I mean, I thought our differences made us compatible. But he wouldn’t have fitted in my lifestyle. I know hindsight is a great thing – I do. I know now I needed this lesson. I needed this to guide me away from my naivety that everyone is kind and that things are not what they seem on the surface – that I need to scratch that little bit more. That being said, I also know that I can’t stop wearing my heart on my sleeve just because of this. I know that my feelings for him were pure. That if anything he has cheated himself out of what would have been innocent and pure love. It is his loss.
I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt. Of course, in love, there is no greater hurt than betrayal (at least that’s what I think) and that hurts.
Makes Made me feel worthless. But I know I am worth so much more to others. Worth so much more to myself.
I remember saying last time my heart was broken – never underestimate the kindness of strangers. To those that have commented – your words have been so comforting and I am so thankful that not only do I have a blog to pour out my emotions but that I have people who read and take the time to comment. Thank you so much.
As begins this new chapter in my life, here is my new policy – smile at everyone, flirt with everyone and whatever is meant to be will be.
You would have thought 4 weeks away would have been good for me. But 3 weeks having to pretend to my family that I was OK took its toll.
He called me whilst I was away – several times. Telling me loves me, misses me. I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.
Today I keep think about how could he do that to me? How can you hurt someone you love so bad? Was it my fault? Am I to blame? Why wasn’t I good enough? And I know none of the responsibility of his cheating is on me. But how can he seem to get away with it.
The lady that he cheated on me with (one of many) messages me. I don’t know if I reply so that through her I can still keep him close. I don’t want to know what is happening with him, but at the same time I do. She still sees him, talks to him and has him in her life daily. I cannot comprehend their relationship (she has a partner!). Out of the women that I know he has cheated on me with, it seems I am the only one with morals. Reading of quotes does not help me. I am constantly sad. I want this to go away. I want to feel loved – like I am good enough for love.
I wish I could explain to somebody how my heart aches. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about this.
I have tried so hard not to cry. But I need to. However, the tears are not enough. I do not know how to exorcise myself of him. Of the relationship. Of the good memories I have. I have deleted everything. But I miss him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I miss the moments that might have been genuine.
I will be on travels from tomorrow – 4 weeks of being away from reality. He called me yesterday (number withheld). I answered because I didn’t know who it was. He blew me kisses down the phone. I told him “Don’t do this. Don’t you have anything better to do?” And every time I said to him don’t do this he blew me a kiss. I should have hung up as soon as I realised it was him. I’m not sure why I didn’t. I made the mistake of asking him – “what’s wrong?” to which he replied “I miss you too much and I will always love you regardless”. And at that point I hung up.
It threw me. Why would he do that? He’s engaged to be married. He betrayed me. He lied to me. That is not love. I know this. But it took me a while to get back to my train of thought – “What a dick!”
It nearly took my recovery back a few steps but not to worry – I am worth so much more than what he deserves.
Is he mental? I think he might be. He called me repeatedly on Friday – whilst I was out having fun! And has now just sent me a Skype request?! I have no idea what is going through the fucker’s mind but seriously how fucked up is that?
(Apologies for the language – I rarely swear but he brings out this side of me that is not good!)
My biggest weakness is not kindness – it’s my ability to do stupid things when I am feeling like shit. I joined Plenty of Fish in a moment of madness. I have heard all about it and how it’s basically like a hook up site. And I am not looking for a hook up! I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know it was just for an ego boost – but I really miss O. Well I miss the familiarity of him. I don’t know. However, PoF has proved to be an ego boost – definitely. But in my moment of weakness, I have agreed to a “date”. What was I thinking?! Arghhhhh.
O getting married to a very young girl – all for money and power. The other woman calls me every day to check if I am OK. Talking to her helps me kind of remain close to O. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. Truly I mean that with all my heart. I want him to find with someone else what he couldn’t find with me. I gave him my all. I invested my time into him. Time that I won’t get back. How can someone pretend and lie so much? Do people not see the damage the that they cause? The only question I have now is why was I so worthless to him?
Kindness. I have too much of it. I am not blowing my own trumpet. But I forgave him the first time. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told myself that I loved him and I could get through this. And yet the wanker goes and does it again (and multiple times I am sure! – Ewwww!).
And again, I found out from the horse’s mouth (per se). When I am ready – I will tell you the whole story. In fact, you couldn’t make this shit up! But I am not ready just yet.
The last few days have not been easy – so many things have not made sense but then so many things do. I was in love with a narcissist. Money and power so much more important that love and compassion. He’s married to a child bride. (well she isn’t a child bride – I don’t want him arrested! but she is very young)
I have known that I haven’t been in love with him for a while. I love him – don’t get me wrong but I am not in love with him. We finished on a high. The last few times when I have tried to walk away it has always been as the result of an argument – my heart not ready to let go. Imagining into the arms of which woman am I sending him to. This time, my heart was ready. We’d had a good trip away. No fighting. Just love and I was happy. I may sound like I am in denial but today the tears have been less.
My best friend – B – she has been amazing. My siblings – amazing. Strangers – amazing.
Put your faith in people – so what if they let you down? There will always be some that exceed expectations and redeem your faith in humanity, compassion and kindness.
The hardest thing about heartache of any kind is pretending to the world that you are doing OK. That nothing is wrong and you carry on with the daily routine knowing that inside you are crumbling.
I have told B, my siblings and a few other people about what has happened. I feel all the better for it.
No part of me in the last 4 days has thought of O. Well not in the concerned sense. I mean I don’t care whether he eats, sleeps or is in trouble. I have thought of the situation, what he has put me through but at the end of it all, I truly believe that this is God’s way of saving me. Saving me from a lifetime of deceit, lies, abuse, debt – the list is endless. I am not going to sit here and demonise our relationship – there was a time when it was the best thing for me and he was what I needed. But now he is not.
What is meant for me will be mine. Until then I will carry on pretending like everything is OK and try not to break down in tears every so often.
The ex-boyfriend (O) has just come back from Bangladesh – where he is building a house. It turns out that he is now engaged. Or married even. Why do bad things happen to good people? He used me. So many revelations in the last 24 hours. All making me question myself. But it wasn’t me that was the problem. I realise that. So I will cry it out and forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was not capable of love.
And then I will forgive him – I won’t carry that burden.
The worst feeling in the world is loneliness. Or so you would think. But worse than that – it when you are surrounded by people you love and you still feel lonely. That is the worst feeling of them all.