The worst feeling in the world is loneliness. Or so you would think. But worse than that – it when you are surrounded by people you love and you still feel lonely. That is the worst feeling of them all.
Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder in my case. Baba has gone home for a bit. He left yesterday and I didn’t think it would affect me. I mean I haven’t spoken to him properly for a while. But yesterday when he called to tell me goodbye, it hit me how much I still love him. Am I doing the right thing? Can I work through my insecurities? I don’t know.
Hearing him tell me he loves me did not help. Who knows? Maybe these two weeks will be good for me.
I am a sucker for flowers. I know they die after a while. But whilst they are present, they bloom and are beautiful.
I received some beautiful flowers from my honorary Godson (B’s gorgeous son).
Aren’t they beautiful? 3 years old and I am smitten with him. Especially as he sent me a beautiful video in the morning!
Baba also sent me flowers (to my work address no less!). They are absolutely gorgeous and they brought back a whole load of memories. Good ones. I follow a lot of random people on Instagram. And something I read this morning was along the lines of “Don’t let others guide you with illusions of ‘The One’. You determine who is ‘The One’ by being with them.” I think this was quite profound for me in this moment. I know that we never know what happens behind closed doors and that people portray their best moments on social media. I know relationships are hard work. And I think I know deep down that our relationship was not meant to be. But I also know that he is a good guy. I honestly have so much faith in him. To succeed. To make someone happy. And to be the best version of himself for someone. I don’t think that person is me though. I don’t know how I feeling right now. Mixed emotions.
I thanked him enthusiastically. Because they were not necessary. But I love them. The same way I still love him.
Today is my birthday. Another year older and hopefully a little bit wiser. Today is about me and I will celebrate the fact that I have been given another year to reflect upon and another year to experience amazing things! I miss Baba so much at times. But I think I have found my closure. Whatever happened with us – I truly loved him – I know that now. I know that I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and I could not have asked for more of myself (or him to be fair). What is meant to be will be.
Today – I have no celebrations planned. I am tired from two weeks of continuous travel and living out of suitcases. I am going to enjoy my home comforts – sitting in from of the telly watching WWE RAW with my siblings and then falling asleep in my own bed.
Of course, a part of me yearns for the comfort of a companion – someone to talk to about your fears and aspirations but I know that is not the be all and end all. I am not silly.
I am thankful for so much. I sometimes forget that I am so much more fortunate than most. I have a family who love me beyond belief, friends who are the family I have chosen for myself, a roof over my head, a job that allows me to see the world, food on the table when I want it are just a few of these things. I live in an amazing city – in whic there is so much to do and experience.
Happy Birthday to me. I am not going to feel guilty today for celebrating me! :)
At some point I will be starting a new blog. One where I write letters to my ex. To tell him how he made me feel. I wish I could tell you that I am over it. But I’m not. I did not think it would affect me to this extent. Hence why I have been so quiet. I wish life was easier. In fact, I wish a lot of things… But wishes do not always come true. I read some of my earlier posts when we first started dating and whilst I realise that people change – I ask if I just fell in love with the wrong guy. I don’t know. My thought process is all over the place right now. I am in a state of heightened emotion – I ramble.
I don’t know how many people can say that. I am not self employed and I don’t have a creative job. I work for a private company and I do it because it helps pay my bills (my aspiration is complete my Masters in Political Science and join the UN!).
But that said, when my job involves travelling – it can’t be all bad. This year so far I have travelled to Seville, Spain; Cadiz, Spain; Grenoble, France; Nancy, France, Frankfurt, Germany (twice!); and I will soon be travelling to Pittsburgh, USA and Los Angeles, USA. Not only is this great for my air miles but I am truly lucky to have a line manager that has confidence in me. Management that have confidence in me. Some of these places, I wouldn’t consider visiting as a tourist so business tourism is definitely a win-win situation.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s far from glamourous – living out of a suitcase 1-2 times a month. But it’s at times like this I am fortunate for everything I have and every opportunity I have been given.
In the word of the illustrious Drake “Started from the bottom now we here!”.
Baba and I are over. Done with. Finished. Khalas It’s only hit me today. So much that I went to the toilet and cried. It was my decision. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt any less.
Things have not been great between us for a while. Ever since I started my new job but especially so in the last 6 months. Lots of travel and not enough time for each other. The last few weeks we have been arguing like crazy. And the man he has shown me that he can be is not somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want sympathy or pity. And if I write it down it will be real.
The relationship was abusive. Not physically. But verbally, mentally and emotionally. The last few months I have walked on eggshells around him. I didn’t dare say anything for fear of upsetting him. I know he has been given a bad hand in life – things that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but there was no need to take them out on me. It got to the point where I dreaded seeing his number come up on my phone. He tried to control me. I am not that girl. I refused to be.
When I told him I don’t want to be with him, he flew into tantrums, threatened to ruin my life, expose my secrets to my family. But what can he do that hasn’t already hurt me. I am hurting. I invested nearly 3 years of my life into loving someone and I didn’t really know them.
He owes me a lot of money. But now I am ready to cut my losses. I keep berating myself. I should have known better than to date him. And he might have been my rebound guy. But he also might have been THE guy.
I think I was charmed at the time. He said all the right things that I wanted (and needed) to hear.
Don;t get me wrong – we had some great times. I have a lot to thank him for. The first guy and only guy to call me beautiful. For loving me. Because I truly believed that he did.
It’s difficult. I am 32 now. My friends pretty much all married and at a different chapter in their lives. And here I am, picking up the pieces of my heart once again.
It was my birthday yesterday. Notmuch you can do when it falls on a weekday and that the first one of the week as well. Everyone was working so there was no point in me taking the day off of work.
Wasn’t the best birthday I have ever had. The AP kicking off and upsetting everybody. My mum writing an emotional message in my card about how me not being married is very upsetting for her. As you know being 32 and unmarried in Asian culture is a big no no. She’s upset at herself. All every parents wants is to see their children settled down. This set me off in tears for disappointing her. For not being good enough to attract someone of our own culture. She didn’t do it in a malicious way – my mother does not have a malicious bone in her body. I told Baba about this and he got upset because she doesn’t see him as a marriage candidate.
With the AP yelling at my non AP parent, Baba sulking, my family going through a stupid amount personal issues, there wasn’t much to celebrate. In fact, I may have cried myself to sleep.
But I am not ungrateful. I am loved by so many – it may not be apparent but there are people with much less than me who are far more thankful than I am. So I am thankful. Thankful for having my family around me, thankful I have a job, thankful that I am able to have a meal on my table when I feel like it. Thankful for being able to have lived another year.
Happy belated birthday to me.
Baba and I went to 2 weddings over the weekend for people that he knows. We hadn’t seen each other all week. I really think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Highlight was him making sure all my pieces of lamb were off the bone as he put it onto my plate. The simplest gesture with massive amounts of love.
On another note, S text me yesterday. I am used to the Happy New Year/Merry Christmas texts – I haven’t ever once responded to any of them. And I always assumed them to be generic – sent to everybody in his phone book. But this one, this one was different. “Hello stubborn female”. Really? What does he expect? For me to text back and forgive him? Let him back into my life.
I won’t respond but I hate when he does things like this. Throws me off my path in life.
It has been nearly three months since my last post. I haven’t really had anything to write about. I think that might be because I am happy. I mean, I am secure in my relationship (apart from when those odd moments where I feel as though I am not enough but those are quickly sorted with a chat and a few tears). Things at home are good *touch wood*. Work is going good – I’m being kept busy and there is plenty more travel on the cards. Things could always be better but I won’t complain.
The New Year came and went in spectacular fashion. I was at home on midnight NYE with my siblings and parents, watching the fireworks on the telly and gave them all a kiss before I headed up to bed at 12:30. I am the last of the great party people(!). A dying breed!
I cannot remember when I became so emotional. Seriously. It’s like my heart wants to burst at times. This morning, I dropped my siblings to a station (because of the crappy tube strike in London – bastards, the lot of them for making my siblings inconvenienced!) It was so early and cold and I felt soooo bad for them. I welled up a little bit. I know I mollycoddle them a bit. I don’t like to see them struggle. In fact, I don’t like to see anyone struggle. I am the same with all my loved ones. Even strangers. If I can help somebody – I will try my best.
There are times when I become so sad though. For no reason. Everything makes me cry. Happy things make me cry. SERIOUSLY! I am a wreck.
My evenings are spent playing Nintendo wii with the siblings. Baba is also busy – things have improved for him recently and i think he is at a better place in life. A happier place. His past has damaged him. I don’t think I was enough to bring him back from that. But he’s OK. And God willing, he will be OK in the long run. I have had doubts about us. The periods of time where I don’t see him but then I see him. I see the smile and eyes light up as he see me. The affection he showers me with and then I doubt my doubts.
I think I am appreciating religion more. Not so much my own but religion in general. I want to learn. I want to know everything about everything. And yet I need to find the time.
It is Baba’s birthday tomorrow and I have not organised anything. But that’s OK. Because I am pretty sure he’ll love me regardless!
AND – even though my siblings bully the shit of me (I’m the oldest!), they did buy me one ticket to go and see Beyoncé the day after my birthday. I am a happy bunny!