*I believe that this is the term that all the cool kids use when they post a selfie that is on point! I had a date on Saturday night. So I made an effort and when I looked at myself in the mirror – I scrubbed up alright. I know make up makes big difference. Because I rarely look this good, I took a few selfies (as is the norm nowadays!) and one was particularly flattering. So I milked the ish out of it. I posted it as my WhatsApp display picture and guess who decided to message me… this guy! Low key I was super gassed because of how I felt here but at the same time I’d forgotten about him. Onwards and upwards! This post is merely just to show how true this meme is! (I’m all about meme life!)
But on a side note – I will be off to the land of the free in just over two weeks and I am excited!
So this trip here was cancelled! I was super sad because I’d arranged to see family whilst I was over there but I guess these things happen.
However, I have since been asked to visit Portland, OR and Whittier, CA – I am super excited. Portland looks incredible. I’ve never been and am really looking forward to exploring.
Any tips are welcome!
And because he was a patronising dick, I can’t seem to stop the urge to call him. I won’t – because I am stubborn as fuck but damn, how I want him to message me!😦
I was regaling stories to B of the guy from this post. We were supposed to go out yesterday. He confirmed in the morning and then cancelled two hours later. I know something could have genuinely came up so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when I went and checked my Tinder, he wasn’t in my matches any more. So I assumed he unmatched me. I deleted his number out of my phone book and didn’t think he would message me again. Until he did late last night asking if I’d blocked him (because he could longer see my picture via whatsapp!) and accused me of being petty. I think he was jesting. I said no, I just deleted his number and I wasn’t looking for somebody to play games with. He then came out with this big amount of BS about waves and riding the surf with big waves and small waves and I was like “sure (WTF?!). So I just said, not to worry. He also then told me he thinks I am hot. To which I replied there is more to me than being hot! To which he replied that I am a feminist and that this wouldn’t work out. I had such high hopes for him.
So as I was regaling Tinder tales to B, I told her that whilst it was a great ego boost – maybe Tinder wasn’t for me. And her being the bestie that she is said “The problem is that you think you need these fuck boys to validate your worth and you don’t. You are beautiful and you will find someone who loves you for all you are and so much more”. She was right. So with that I deleted Tinder.
I am still on Tinder. I mean, it gives the ego boost I need once in a while. No dick pics in a while but boys are quick to offer. I met a really nice guy. At least he came across as super nice. He asked me out on a date. And I said yes because he looked handsome enough and sounded normal enough after our phone conversation. But he keeps sending me mixed signals. Man. Why must these things be so hard?
Tinder is not for me I don’t think – actually maybe dating isn’t for me. I had had a few matches and I have actually had a little bit of chat with some of the men on there. But I fear the art of being a gentleman is being lost in the generations of today. So far I have been sent 5 pictures of d*cks, 1 video of a gentleman stroking his d*ck and some topless photos (these aren’t so bad!). I guess that is the generation of Snapchat. The fact that you can send a video/picture and know that it will disappear in 10 seconds.
Men are so quick to talk about sex though – I mean, I am no prude by any means but surely guys know that women are not that quick to talk about sex (purely I think because of the slut shaming that still goes on society – unfortunate I know!). Also, at least try and lull me into a false sense of security. Pretend that you somewhat have an interest in me other than just the fact that the thought of my lips satisfying you turns you on! Honestly, I have looked at my lips in a different light since joining Tinder. My photos are all of me fully clothed with bright eyes and big smiles. But men don’t see this!
You can only communicate with someone on Tinder if they have matched you as well. So last week, I matched someone and he started talking to me. I was like OK – I’m bored at work, let me entertain myself. He was keen to meet and I was going out that evening in the city centre. So I thought let me kill two birds with one stone – this way, I only have to make the effort once! I agreed to meet him at a tube station before I met my friends. We didn’t exchange numbers. So imagine my surprise when I went to message him to tell him that I was running late that he had unmatched me!! So was I supposed to still meet him? He made such an effort to get me to agree so I don’t understand the point of this. I don’t even know what he looked like – that’s how bad it was! I walked past the station we were supposed to meet to realise that there are three exits! I can’t make this shit up. I literally just walked past and hoped that there wasn’t anybody waiting for me!
I think Tinder has done what I needed it to though, which is give my ego a boost – which it was in desperate need of!
That point when you can start flirting with people and you know that whatever happened was because that was what the world intended.
My colleague is on Tinder. Now I know that Tinder is renowned for being a hook up site but she wanted someone to talk to about her antics and a comrade in arms as such. So she forced me to join. I didn’t have anything to lose. I mean, I had tried to join a few times in the past, but literally deleted the app after a day each time. But this time my run has lasted a week.
I am not sure how I feel about Tinder. It’s a great distraction app – bored? Just log in and swipe (mostly left in my case!). The few occasions I have swiped right, I have been surprised to see that it is a mutual swipe (especially the young ones!) – I mean the text messages that I received from Baba’s new wife would lead you to believe that I am hideous. And there were instances where I believed I might have been!
However, the guys don’t seem to want to message first. I know that in the 21st Century that it shouldn’t be expected and I don’t but my colleague swears by The Rules so I thought let’s give it a go. To be fair, I am taking this all with a pinch of salt. I don’t know if I am ready for dating or anything. But I am definitely happy flirting and being found attractive.
In Baba news – my number has changed and I don’t receive calls from anybody associated with that aspect of my life. It is a relief. Prior to it changing, I received a call from him – and I spoke with him at length. He sounded unhappy. And I asked him why? There were no answers. I don’t think there ever will be. But I think the closure is that I have accepted that this was all him. I could not have loved him harder or better in all of my capacity.
Work have just asked me if I want to go to Toronto. Hell yeah! My manager always asks me in such a way that he makes it sound like an inconvenience! What he doesn’t realise that I love the fact that I get the opportunity to travel at the expense of my job.
Toronto – let’s go!
It is inevitable that I write a post toasting the New Year. I had made a decision towards the end of 2015 that I would be done with Baba. He continues to call but I have changed my number and as of the 23rd of January, he shouldn’t be able to contact me (my old number will cease to exist!). I am hoping by then he will have given up. I am sad to see my old telephone number go though. It’s the only thing that has remained constant in my life in the last 12 years. But I came into 2016 super positive. And I hope it stays that way. I don’t miss him or the companionship anymore. In fact, I feel like it is a great weight off of my shoulders and genuinely I am happy.
I only have two resolutions:
- Be kind to people. And by that I mean kinder to people I don’t know. Not that I am not innately kind in general. But I think I am going to try to do more.
- Try not to be so flakey. Like I am the worst. I will “commit” to something. And then when the times come to follow through, I would much rather slit my wrists! Getting me out is the problem – once I am out, then it’s all good but I hate the rigmarole of having to get ready to go out – why isn’t it acceptable for me to go out in my pyjamas with bedhead and no make up?! (There are still going to be times when I am flakey but hopefully not as often!)
Today I had my first cry of the year – I don’t know if it’s because my hormones are in overdrive or just because. But I cried reading this and this. The first link because it is so nice to see people celebrate their faith – whatever it is. I know in the last year my faith has increased dramatically. I am not a religious person by any means. But I believe in God. And I have faith in God. In whatever form I choose to worship/believe in him – he has saved me from myself. For that I am thankful. The second link because it just shows me that however shit I might be feeling, there are others who have it worse than I do. And if they can get on and do it, so can I!
I have so much to look forward to this year – work though increasingly busy is going well *touch wood*. I will have a new line manager soon who is US based and I think she wants me over there a few times this year for work. I have mentioned that I would be happy to move over there for 3-6 months (how incredible would that be?!). My siblings – my biggest supporters and my strongest allies. I am truly blessed to have two younger siblings who bully the life out of me. My parents – growing older and more fragile . A harsh reality that I am not sure I want to face. Hell, not sure I can face it. But needs must. My friends – B trusted me with her son over the weekend (the younger one who is 6 months) and he is still alive and well! My friends who have my back. I may not have many, but the ones I do have are my family.
In the words of the illustrious DJ Khaled – “They don’t want us to win, but we gon win!”
(I love DJ Khaled).
Happy New Year to you all and your loved ones!
Being the daughter of an alcoholic is hard.