At some point I will be starting a new blog. One where I write letters to my ex. To tell him how he made me feel. I wish I could tell you that I am over it. But I’m not. I did not think it would affect me to this extent. Hence why I have been so quiet. I wish life was easier. In fact, I wish a lot of things… But wishes do not always come true. I read some of my earlier posts when we first started dating and whilst I realise that people change – I ask if I just fell in love with the wrong guy. I don’t know. My thought process is all over the place right now. I am in a state of heightened emotion – I ramble.
I don’t know how many people can say that. I am not self employed and I don’t have a creative job. I work for a private company and I do it because it helps pay my bills (my aspiration is complete my Masters in Political Science and join the UN!).
But that said, when my job involves travelling – it can’t be all bad. This year so far I have travelled to Seville, Spain; Cadiz, Spain; Grenoble, France; Nancy, France, Frankfurt, Germany (twice!); and I will soon be travelling to Pittsburgh, USA and Los Angeles, USA. Not only is this great for my air miles but I am truly lucky to have a line manager that has confidence in me. Management that have confidence in me. Some of these places, I wouldn’t consider visiting as a tourist so business tourism is definitely a win-win situation.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s far from glamourous – living out of a suitcase 1-2 times a month. But it’s at times like this I am fortunate for everything I have and every opportunity I have been given.
In the word of the illustrious Drake “Started from the bottom now we here!”.
Baba and I are over. Done with. Finished. Khalas It’s only hit me today. So much that I went to the toilet and cried. It was my decision. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt any less.
Things have not been great between us for a while. Ever since I started my new job but especially so in the last 6 months. Lots of travel and not enough time for each other. The last few weeks we have been arguing like crazy. And the man he has shown me that he can be is not somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want sympathy or pity. And if I write it down it will be real.
The relationship was abusive. Not physically. But verbally, mentally and emotionally. The last few months I have walked on eggshells around him. I didn’t dare say anything for fear of upsetting him. I know he has been given a bad hand in life – things that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but there was no need to take them out on me. It got to the point where I dreaded seeing his number come up on my phone. He tried to control me. I am not that girl. I refused to be.
When I told him I don’t want to be with him, he flew into tantrums, threatened to ruin my life, expose my secrets to my family. But what can he do that hasn’t already hurt me. I am hurting. I invested nearly 3 years of my life into loving someone and I didn’t really know them.
He owes me a lot of money. But now I am ready to cut my losses. I keep berating myself. I should have known better than to date him. And he might have been my rebound guy. But he also might have been THE guy.
I think I was charmed at the time. He said all the right things that I wanted (and needed) to hear.
Don;t get me wrong – we had some great times. I have a lot to thank him for. The first guy and only guy to call me beautiful. For loving me. Because I truly believed that he did.
It’s difficult. I am 32 now. My friends pretty much all married and at a different chapter in their lives. And here I am, picking up the pieces of my heart once again.
It was my birthday yesterday. Notmuch you can do when it falls on a weekday and that the first one of the week as well. Everyone was working so there was no point in me taking the day off of work.
Wasn’t the best birthday I have ever had. The AP kicking off and upsetting everybody. My mum writing an emotional message in my card about how me not being married is very upsetting for her. As you know being 32 and unmarried in Asian culture is a big no no. She’s upset at herself. All every parents wants is to see their children settled down. This set me off in tears for disappointing her. For not being good enough to attract someone of our own culture. She didn’t do it in a malicious way – my mother does not have a malicious bone in her body. I told Baba about this and he got upset because she doesn’t see him as a marriage candidate.
With the AP yelling at my non AP parent, Baba sulking, my family going through a stupid amount personal issues, there wasn’t much to celebrate. In fact, I may have cried myself to sleep.
But I am not ungrateful. I am loved by so many – it may not be apparent but there are people with much less than me who are far more thankful than I am. So I am thankful. Thankful for having my family around me, thankful I have a job, thankful that I am able to have a meal on my table when I feel like it. Thankful for being able to have lived another year.
Happy belated birthday to me.
Baba and I went to 2 weddings over the weekend for people that he knows. We hadn’t seen each other all week. I really think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Highlight was him making sure all my pieces of lamb were off the bone as he put it onto my plate. The simplest gesture with massive amounts of love.
On another note, S text me yesterday. I am used to the Happy New Year/Merry Christmas texts – I haven’t ever once responded to any of them. And I always assumed them to be generic – sent to everybody in his phone book. But this one, this one was different. “Hello stubborn female”. Really? What does he expect? For me to text back and forgive him? Let him back into my life.
I won’t respond but I hate when he does things like this. Throws me off my path in life.
It has been nearly three months since my last post. I haven’t really had anything to write about. I think that might be because I am happy. I mean, I am secure in my relationship (apart from when those odd moments where I feel as though I am not enough but those are quickly sorted with a chat and a few tears). Things at home are good *touch wood*. Work is going good – I’m being kept busy and there is plenty more travel on the cards. Things could always be better but I won’t complain.
The New Year came and went in spectacular fashion. I was at home on midnight NYE with my siblings and parents, watching the fireworks on the telly and gave them all a kiss before I headed up to bed at 12:30. I am the last of the great party people(!). A dying breed!
I cannot remember when I became so emotional. Seriously. It’s like my heart wants to burst at times. This morning, I dropped my siblings to a station (because of the crappy tube strike in London – bastards, the lot of them for making my siblings inconvenienced!) It was so early and cold and I felt soooo bad for them. I welled up a little bit. I know I mollycoddle them a bit. I don’t like to see them struggle. In fact, I don’t like to see anyone struggle. I am the same with all my loved ones. Even strangers. If I can help somebody – I will try my best.
There are times when I become so sad though. For no reason. Everything makes me cry. Happy things make me cry. SERIOUSLY! I am a wreck.
My evenings are spent playing Nintendo wii with the siblings. Baba is also busy – things have improved for him recently and i think he is at a better place in life. A happier place. His past has damaged him. I don’t think I was enough to bring him back from that. But he’s OK. And God willing, he will be OK in the long run. I have had doubts about us. The periods of time where I don’t see him but then I see him. I see the smile and eyes light up as he see me. The affection he showers me with and then I doubt my doubts.
I think I am appreciating religion more. Not so much my own but religion in general. I want to learn. I want to know everything about everything. And yet I need to find the time.
It is Baba’s birthday tomorrow and I have not organised anything. But that’s OK. Because I am pretty sure he’ll love me regardless!
AND – even though my siblings bully the shit of me (I’m the oldest!), they did buy me one ticket to go and see Beyoncé the day after my birthday. I am a happy bunny!
The AP will never change. And it saddens me. They should know better but they don’t. But the worst thing about this is how I feel. I expect so much. I see a few “dry” days and my heart leaps with Hope. Hope that this is It. This time my prayers will have been answered. And the feeling I get when it isn’t It. The feeling of despair as I listen to the arguments. The criticism. The same shit on a different day.
And then I get a reality check. I see the news. I read about the lives lost in Phillipines. And it puts everything into perspective. That God has bigger problems to solve than that of my alcoholic parent.
So I deal with it.
Oh you want me to go to Perth, Australia for business? And you’re going to pay for it?
But I’ve only been at the comapny 4 months – are you sure?
Wow – this is a great opportunity – thank you!
(How amazing that I get to go to the other side of the world ofr work related activities?! I think it’s my time to shine!)
A Love Like This Before.
I am completely in love with Baba. To the point that when I hear his voice, it haunts me. It makes me crave him. To be near him.
There is not a moment of the day when I don’t think about him. It is usually fleeting but he is always in my thoughts and I can’t help myself.
Our relationship is comfortable again and slowly but surely I am starting to trust him again.
I know this makes me vulnerable and I can’t be sure that this love will not be the love that breaks me. But whatever happens, I know that I tried. I have truly loved and hopefully won’t have lost.
Yesterday as I typed my (LONG) surname into an email, the spellcheck highlighted it. Now this is not strange as there are so many letters in it so sometimes I mistype them. As I checked, I coudl see that I typed it right so why hadn’t it been picked up by my aceepted words that are in the dictionary?
As I checked my email signature, I saw that I had typed my name in incorrectly the first time and this is what I had been sending out all this time.
#sadtimes when you can’t even spell your own surname.